How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

If you had a good relationship with them, you'd turn on the heating and make yourself beans on toast. With their beans. Go mad and fry an egg to go with it.
If you had a good relationship you'd be able to say, it's too dangerous to drive so I can't come over this evening.
When you get home, have a think about why you aren't able to do either of these things.
Just a thought - do they know you don't feel you can turn on the heating and help yourself to something to eat? Or would they assume you'd just do it if you wanted to?

If you ever have children, OP, do you think any of them will be helping you out with childcare so you don't have to pay a babysitter?

You know they won't.

Just stand up for yourself and say no.

My cleaner does this for her sister and misses out on money from the people she cleans for. Her sister never pays her either.

Just say, sorry I won’t be able to help any more. Make a crap excuse. Yes they will be pissed off but if they aren’t compensating you then not clear they appreciate. I’d be buying Amazon vouchers at close to £15 an hour. Or say, I charge £20 an hour and the heating needs to be on.

Do you have a narcissistic family? Have they abused you in other ways? They seem to have no concern for you at all. Are you reliant on them physically? You need to learn how to say no and feel good in yourself. They don’t sound worth the concern at all.

I've read all your posts OP but not the whole thread. So I'm sure someone has pointed out that you can't control other people's feelings and reactions, only your own.

Of course these siblings aren't going to say 'Oh, right - well, thanks for all you've done for us and the kids, you've been a star'. From how you've described the situation, I can easily imagine them hurling themselves to the ground in a screaming fit. Is that how it is, a kind of Ugly Sisters/Cinderella scenario? Have they always bullied or used you?

If so, I think you'd do well to look into this with a therapist. Because it's going to affect far more areas of your life than just babysitting.

But to go back to your immediate concern - any 'awkwardness' and aggression towards you will be of their own making. You request is entirely reasonable. They are being unreasonable. If they want to fall out with you over it, that's up to them. You just have to prepare yourself for a falling out being a likely outcome. Would that be worse than your current situation? Maybe, for a short time - but you know it's the right thing in the long run.

And who knows, they might even show you some respect for sticking up for yourself, and reclaiming the right to live your own life. They might have been conveniently assuming that you don't mind doing the childcare because you don't have anything else going on.

You won't know until you tell them. Be calm, reasonable and try and keep the doors of communication open, even if you're much less accessible to them than you have been. Good luck.

I cannot believe any family members would treat you in this despicable entitled way. They are taking the piss !!!
Time to say it will be £ x pounds per hour
(research local prices for childcare /babysitting) and say you are in demand for your services at these rates. They pay or they don't.
Hopefully they will decline but if they don't you will profit.
Ps .Don't know about legalities of thie payments rules/regs etc

Good luck
Some families are total users!!!!!

Nip this in the bud today. You do realise that when your parents require care you'll be the one nominated to care for them because your siblings have no respect for you. Move away and leave any toxic family dynamics to your siblings and parents. You deserve so much more.

Your siblings are entitled and ungrateful but you desperately need to woman up and say you don't want to babysit any more. Otherwise the situation will just continue as it is now.

How do I do this without making it awkward?

You can't. They will be upset, angry, disappointed but that's their problem not yours. You just need to prepare for things to be uncomfortable for a while, stand your ground and be able to live with the discomfort. Get help through counselling with setting boundaries, and reminding yourself you have your own life to live and you are entitled to do that.

In which case use this as your strength. Tell them the truth. “I love you all but I have been your unpaid child minder for years. I find it deeply upsetting that you care so little for me that you never even put the heating on. I feel unwelcomed, taken for granted and deeply upset. You’re going to have to find someone else to look after your children from now on. You have pushed me too far, expecting me to drive through a gale to look after your children in a freezing house. I will contact you again when I’m less upset.”

good luck!

You are not at all unreasonable. The very least they could do for you is put the heating on and supply food, also treat you to some nice things. I used to regularly baby sit for a couple of friends years ago, they always left me with good things to eat and I was never cold in their house.

If your siblings had to pay for a babysitter and organise transport, they'd really notice a big difference. They are quids in with you and obviously taking advantage by being mean.

I suggest you be less available, you can say you have plans for that day/evening next time you are asked. Do it gradually and they will have to make other arrangements.

If you don’t stand up for yourself and clearly set your boundaries, people will take the piss and you will just feel resentful. Tell them you won’t be free to do much childcare anymore as you have your own commitments now. If you have to, then lie and say you are doing a new hobby and have meet some new friends you are doing cinema nights and meals with. It’s ok for them not to like it and make sarcastic remarks, let them. It’s also to say I won’t be doing that date, it’s cold and I don’t fancy sitting in a freezing house so will give it a miss. Stand up for yourself please OP. Good luck.

Say you are feeling poorly and not fit for babysitting. If they ask what's wrong just say it stress related.

This is not lying as you do seem stressed from all the childcare you have been providing for your family, especially as you feel it is not appreciated.

If they all have kids, why can't they babysit for each other? I mean, they can't be going out with each other every time surely???

The more you are a CF by turning up the heating and eating the food - they may change their mind!!!

OP you are more worried about your siblings being upset or angry than you are about your own upset and anger. You are caring more about upsetting other people than these people care about upsetting you. It is ok to look after yourself. If they get upset over you deciding you don’t want to provide childcare for free then they have to be upset, and they will have to learn with it. If they get angry with you just block them until they calm down and go and do something nice for yourself. You have not done anything wrong.

Sorry if anyone else has asked this, as I haven't had time to read the full thread, but don't they care about the fact that their own children are getting cold? Also, what is there to stop you actually just putting the heating on yourself OP?

I'm afraid you sound like a complete wimp in this. Ten years is a long time to allow yourself to be taken advantage of, and if you feel you can't cope with saying no face to face, or on the phone, then send them an email or text, or leave them a note tonight, saying that you're not prepared to babysit anymore, as you feel that they've taken your help for granted for the last 10 years, and you don't appreciate being asked to sit in a cold house to look after their kids, when you could be at home in a nice cosy house/flat. When they challenge you about it, then all you need to say is, I gave you my reasons in the letter. If they then go on to push you, you could say, 'well I might still be prepared to babysit occasionally, but if I do, then in future I will expect to be paid the going rate of a professional babysitter.' They'll doubtless blow up about it, but maybe given time to reflect on how much you've done over the years, they might just realise that they've brought the withdrawal of your help on themselves.

Does this not show you how selfish they are that they don’t care about your safety and they are willing to risk it for their own benefit?!?!

People who love you will accept your boundaries not ask you to cross them for their own selfish reasons. This is just taking the piss, that’s not love.

I do hope OP is ok. They haven’t been back and I don’t think they will return.

You can’t control how another person feels. And the relationships aren’t good if you’re the one compromising and doing things you don’t want to do.

You have been raised to people please, and told your feelings don’t matter as much as your sister’s feelings. Well they do. If you don’t want to do something say no. And stick to it.

Do you have any therapy or counselling? Definitely worth the looking into for you to stand up for yourself

I sense it was a cry for help but when push comes to shove, some people just aren't equipped with the right words or strength to say the unthinkable, no I'm not going to be your doormat - even if it messes up their life.

“I can’t do any childcare or babysitting in this winter, your house is far too cold”

Just say no and stop being a doormat for your siblings. Say you don't want to do it, they can pay someone else for their childcare like everyone else does. I can't believe you have done this for 10 years ...

Only you can stop this.
Just say no.
What exactly will they do?