How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

Well make it work- be forceful! You are an adult. They have saved so much money because of what you have done. Use Chat to work out exaclty how much- show them the detailed calculations.
And then end the arrangement. It no longer works for you.

Say no, you no longer enjoy it and they'll need to make alternative arrangements. Honestly they are using you and that's not a sibling relationship, that's a modern day Cinderella scenario. Say you'll only do outings with niece, like aunt's do, not act as a domestic resource any longer.

What do your parents think to this? Can you confide in them?

and how often do you do it? Personally I would start asking them for favours! Cheeky sods!

You don't currently have a good relationship with them. A good relationship is built on mutual trust, love, and respect. Not one of casual free labour.

Do they know how you feel?

I'm going to be blunt. You already do not have a good relationship with your siblings. Your siblings do not think of you as a sister, they think of you as their skivvy. They are shit people. Stop thinking 'if I say no they'll be upset' and start thinking 'they don't care about upsetting me'.

Stop saying yes, start saying no.

You say No and don't explain or engage. Nobody can force you to drive to their house and babysit.

Just start saying no. They don't seem to value you, time to value yourself.

You just say you can’t babysit anymore. Don’t say anything else.

You shouldn’t have had to drive anywhere in this weather let alone there’s no heating. They should not be treating their younger sister like this in the first place.

as they’ve been treating her so bad for 10 years, I don’t think she should even do it (for free!) once every couple of months. Thats appalling behaviour.

Bless you my love.
Please be strong enough to say to your siblings 'I just don't want to do this anymore'. You don't have to make excuses. Please just say 'NO'.
I wish you all the best.

Is a good relationship worth it with people who don't think you're worth any effort? Yes all the family nonsense is there but even then, What's the point? They don't respect you anyways. Let them be angry. Choose yourself.

It's up to OP. She might want to do it a few times a year if she's fond of the children. Or not!

You said you are afraid they will be angry. What exactly do you think they can do to you? You are going to have to leqarn to say no and stick to your guns OP. Good luck.

Or never again!

Sorry but you don't currently have a good relationship with them. You have the illusion of a good relationship, an illusion so flimsy that it'll shatter once you stop being a doormat.

You need a reset at this point and if it turns into a big argument it'll actually do you good. Let them show their true colours. They're taking you for granted and treating you with contempt, that needs to stop and you need new relationships with them based on mutual respect. What you're doing currently is jumping through hoops and putting yourself last in order to maintain the pretence of a happy family. Everyone is happy except you by the sounds of it. It sounds like you're ready to stop putting up with it.

Sadly it seems that your siblings don't care at all about upsetting you. You've given them a decade of free childcare which is extraordinarily generous of you and must have saved them a fair bit over the years. Now it's time for you to live your own life without worrying about a task you no longer want to do and which your siblings have no right to expect of you.

Group whats app with siblings and say your only avaliable to babysit once a month as your finding it too much.

But it's not a good relationship is it? It's completely one-sided, they aren't even grateful, they don't feed you and they make you sit in the freezing cold as they refuse to put the heating on when you are there.

Do you still have your parents? If so, are they the ones who have encouraged your siblings to treat you like an unpaid skivvy?

I’m not sure if you want children of your own one day, but if you do I bet they won’t return the favour even once. I’m sure if you then pointed out the hypocrisy of that you would still be the one ‘causing a problem’.

They could help each other out with babysitting couldn’t they as a mutually beneficial arrangement, taking it in turns to host a cousin sleepover, but I’m guessing they want babysitting without any cost or catches.

What type of hold do they have on you that you feel obligated to meet their every expectation? Come on, it’s ridiculous. No heater , no food, no petrol, quite regularly, with not even a token of appreciation. Stand up for yourself now .

Sorry, I have taken on paid baby sitter jobs. They are amazing, their houses are always warm, they pay me quite a bit, and gave me a really nice present for my birthday. I just can’t afford to let a paid gig go to do it for you, you will understand that with the cost of living.

Sadly your siblings aren't suddenly going to grow a conscience and realise they're taking advantage of you because this set up suits them perfectly!

You're going to have to brave the difficult conversation and say things will be changing going forward, then stick to your guns.

They rely on you being a people pleaser. They are not only using you but you have to pay travel costs and food. Not nice walking all.over you.

Once a month is still a lot of free childcare. And of course they’ll take the piss and expect it more. Think she’s gonna have to put her foot down and stop cold turkey.

I'm sorry but this is the last time I'm baby sitting for you. You will need to find another sitter going forward.