How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

Pull up your big girl knickers and start saying no. You know the old saying
"Ultimate madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result." or this.

What do you get out of the relationship ?

I suspect it is less than you put in, in which you don’t have much to loose by upsetting them

Well I would take a mini heater with me and my heated throw and put that on
they can deal with electric bill

I am sorry OP. I baby sit for my siblings but they ask very rarely and would be grateful and are generous in return (not necessarily money but in terms of reciprocating favours).
That is how it should work

You need to sat no. There are lots of good suggestions on this thread. Pick one, try it on for size and see how it goes

Can't you tell them the truth? That while you enjoy seeing the kids, childcare doesnt work anymore because you're busy yourself, it's costing you money in travel, and you're freezing at their house so it's too uncomfortable.

How would you feel if your siblings were angry with you? If you could get over it and carry on, then stop babysitting. If you would be really upset then you'll have to carry on to stop them getting angry, I know what my choice would be Op, tell them no unless it's a real emergency, and then get on with your life.

You need to just find a way to care less about their reaction. They clearly don’t care what you think of them so you shouldn’t care what they think of you saying no. Not having heating on is also weird. Do they turn it on when they are at home so are just generally frugal, or do they just not view you/their children as worthy of having the heating on for?

To be honest, even teenage me, would say no, if I was babysitting, and I didn’t want to do it.
I would do it in comfort and heat, as I’d turn on the heating myself, if I was babysitting, and argue why if they came back and complained.
I’d also help myself to food, even if it was toast and butter. And plenty of tea and coffee.

Babysitting where I am ranges from 10-15 / hour x4, x how many hours? 4? That’s a very generous Xmas gift. Their gift to her at Xmas / birthday is under a fiver.
Girl, if there’s a wine fridge in that house, I hope you’re raiding it right now

Are they spending my money to go out every weekend but leaving their children home in a cold house? This is really awful

Probably best to just rip the plaster off in one go, with this type. Send an email to them both and keep it factual - this is taking up too much of your time, so you won't be doing it any more. No JADE stuff. Let them be as angry as they like and don't budge. It'll beat having to make excuses every time for the rest of your life. And remember - answering phones isn't bloody mandatory.

I think maybe you are worried about being cut loose… that their anger with you might lead to the relationship breaking down, and that would feel too hard.

If true, it may be worth thinking about why this would be so devastating for you, given that their expectations of you, as set out in your descriptions, are borderline abusive.

When people have always been in our lives and act like this, it’s a kind of conditioning and one it’s important to break free from asap. The first step is to ask yourself what you are afraid of, then try to break down the fear (maybe with some therapy) to be less frightening. That could then enable you to say a meaningful no (ie put in some boundaries) with a better chance of keeping to it.

Good luck.

But they don't care about taking advantage of you?? My sister is much older than me and she always paid me to watch my niece and had my dinner ready. I even told her I didn't want to be paid (it wasn't frequent) but I would just find money in my coat or purse later on.

You are lovely but you are being exploited. That's not a "good relationship" is it?

If you are too afraid to stand up for yourself then tell them all you are trying to put money away for holiday/appartment/whatever and that you are currently offering your babysitting services to paying customers. Which you should do actually just so you can see to what point they have exploited you. So tell them you can't book anything up because you might have a job then.

Would you feel comfortable asking them to come over and clean your house every week for free? No? Why not? See- they are being cheeky fuckers and should pay for your help.

3 times a month! They are taking the piss! Just be honest and lay out how many times a year you are willing to offer. In fact make them tokens for it for Xmas don’t buy them a gift!

Just say no, you are letting them treat you like a skivvy.

Well you choices are you avoid upsetting people at your expense or you learn to stand-up for yosuelf and avoid being taken a mug of.

Yes they will be upset and so what? Do they fund your life or are you dependent on them?

And one thing you need to learn is once you start learning to say no people may get upset initially but they actually end up respecting your boundaries but you need to be willing to upset them and get through that uncomfortable period.

And worse case they stay usoet, that's a "them" problem not yours.

Otherwise you just have to continue to live in resentment while prioritizing them not getting upset. You have a choice.

Get a “hobby”, something that keeps you out in the evenings and weekends, something thing you’ve paid for in advance and can’t extricate yourself from. Every time they ask say “I’m sorry I’m doing <hobby>.

If they are so desperate for your childcare they can at least pay the cost for you to miss the hobby.

They don't care about their relationship with you or they'd treat you with more respect.

But you don’t have a good relationship with them. They are taking advantage of you, upsetting you and expecting you to drive in dangerous conditions. Tell them how you feel. If they are angry they aren’t people worth having a relationship with.

@fernandesricksmyworld tell them you've helped for a decade and served your time. That you can't do it any more as you don't want to. Also tell them that their expectations don't trump your wishes. If they don't care about your feelings on this then do you actually have a good relationship with them in the first place?

What does it matter if they are angry with you?

I would say “Hi guys, just to let you know that after 10 years and roughly xxK of childcare I am changing my focus, developing new interests and will no longer be available “

Let them huff and puff

"Ive done it for ten years. I don't want to do it anymore". .. oh why not? "Just don't". Rinse and repeat..grey rock.

You just don't want to do it anymore. That's all they need to know.
You aren't being unreasonable AT ALL. You haven't done anything wrong. Just let them get on with it.

just say "i am sorry I have paid work then" cheeky feckers

Then. You don’t. You tell them that they have spent the last ten years relying on you for childcare without proper payment for it and you’re not prepared to do it any more. If they can’t even turn the heating on for you in the winter I don’t know how you’ve stood it for so long - I’d have told them to where to get off years ago.

OP, no is a complete sentence. You don’t want to do it any more. You don’t have to explain and you don’t have to justify. They will have to make other arrangements because you’re done.

I would in this case have a huge hissy fit, on purpose. One big one should do it. Act very dramatically upset and then don’t speak to them until they come back to you with an apology for treating you like the staff for all these years.