How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

Not that this matters one iota but is it babysitting so that a sibling can work, or to facilitate their night out?

But when these members of your family are SO VERY willing to be unreasonable towards you, their own sense of entitlement is going to mean that they will be mad at you. That’s on them.

You are upsetting their very easy life - have kids but go out like childfree people whenever they like?! That’s a perfect world. Especially as you are not even reasonably compensated for your time.

They’ve had a good run, you’re a young person. It’s your time to have some fun, and their turn to knuckle down and do some proper parenting

Just stop. Sorry I'm busy/no that doesn't suit/sorry it upsets your plans but surely you have someone else you can ask. on repeat. If that doesn't work "I'm saying no - just no"

What's the worst that can happen? They'll treat you badly? They already treat you like shit.

I had a friend who did so much babysitting for her older siblings - like at the drop of a hat, taking them for a weekend, etc etc (all while having a really busy job). They absolutely did not reciprocate when she had her children. selfish selfish selfish.

That would not be ‘upsetting’ them. It’d certainly piss them off as they realise their cost-free resource is being closed down. But the responsibility for that is theirs, for exploiting you!
You cannot enjoy life in your mid-20s if you allow yourself to fret about family members’ opinions of you. If there is resentment about your withdrawing the service, so be it.
At this stage you really have to smash that heavy ankle chain keeping you beholden to relatives who clearly don’t give a damn about your wellbeing. Leave them to their resentment. It’ll fade. (If it doesn’t, all the more reason for the separation.)

As you are there now, turn the heating up. You do not have to be cold. Then as another said, go and raid the fridge. Start being assertive. There is no way of us this without someone being upset. For 10 years it's been you. Now it's their turn.

Excellent suggestions! Do it, OP!

Sorry it’s too dangerous to be out driving so I’m not coming Would be my answer

Will your parents stand up for you when you cancel this arrangement?

Could you think about moving far away?

But they don’t mind upsetting you!

’Yeah sure but would you mind turning the heating on and leaving me some cash for a takeaway?’

Think about moving away? She could just say no... moving is a bit extreme

Blast the heating tonight for starters and eat anything good they have.

Sounds like you’re the youngest?
They think they are still in charge and you have to do what they say like when you were little, this is worse if there’s a big age gap. You got used to just fitting in with them because as a child all you wanted was to be included and that was the cost.

None of that matters any more. You matter just as much as them and it is not unreasonable to live your own life. The children are their responsibility, not yours. Don’t let them guilt trip you.

Time to re-set the bounds. I love my DNs but I’m fed up and frankly it feels like you’re being cheeky feckers, so I’m not doing it anymore.
Or ask for 200 quid a pop to make it worth the hassle and see how keen they are.

Stop answering their calls

And do they want a good relationship with you? What do they bring to this relationship… do they do things for you, or is it all one sided? It doesn’t sound like they appreciate you at all from what you’ve said.
They are taking advantage of you OP. It is not a “good relationship”.

Please, start to put yourself first & become more assertive. No is a complete sentence. The next time they ask you say “no sorry, that doesn’t work for me”
Don’t invent a reason why you can’t. If they really push you to elaborate (which is rude, by the way… if they respected you they would take your answer at face value) then you can say exactly the truth. “It’s becoming more difficult for me, I don’t really enjoy it anymore and I also feel a bit taken for granted. I’ve helped for over 10 years, and that’s enough now”

You say you’re worried they will take it badly. Ask yourself if that’s the reaction of someone who loves you and appreciates you?
if they kick back then you tell them you’re really disappointed that’s their reaction & just confirms that they don’t have your interests at heart and merely want to take what they can.

How can you have any sort of life if you are babysitting so much?
Do you work?
Hard to believe you really think you have a relationship with them when you have been simply used by them so much.
What a really weird situation.
Can you move away?

Hi OP. I feel really sad reading this. You want a good relationship with them, but that shouldn't be at the expense of you having boundaries. If you saying no to providing free childcare... On a Saturday night too when you are on your 20s (!) leads to a bad relationship that is 100% on them. It can take a while in life to learn if others have problems with your boundaries then it's a them issue, not a you problem. Good luck, just say you are unavailable for childcare and don't explain any further. No adult should have to.

Just say no. I don't think you need to make up an excuse, just say that you aren't available. Hopefully they will eventually realise that you aren't endlessly available, and will stop asking.

Then turn your phone off.

“Your house is too cold, you never give me dinner nor offer to drive me nor show much gratitude”.

Go on - I dare you.

Exactly. You don't owe them an explanation either.

No is a complete sentence.
If you really feel the need just remind them you are an adult in your twenties with your own life and plans and it is not your job to accommodate theirs

Oh come on op, this is on you to sort. You start saying no, and you keep saying it. They’re treating you like crap. Its up to you to set boundaries, say no, and let them sort their own childcare. This is totally sortable, by you.

Don't be a doormat. I have never used a babysitter but neither do i expect anyone to do come do it for me! Let alone all the time! They should at the very least be grateful and shower you with gifts/ treats etc. The one thing is itll be nice for you to be close to your nieces/nephews. So you might loose on this if they cut you off or something.

Please say no. Do you really think this will ever be reciprocated if you have children?