How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

They treat you like a doormat. You need to stand up for yourself otherwise nothing will change! Come on OP grow a pair!

@fernandesricksmyworld You need to email each one with a link to this thread. Tell them you wrote it and needed opinions and got them. Then just say, "No more kidsitting for a while. At least until after the New Year. I am burned out and just done".
You have 98% of the posters telling you that YANBU. You already knew you were not being unreasonable. It's not your place to be their free kidsitter. It just isn't.
Get together with friends and start going places for the weekend. It doesn't have to cost alot, it's the getting out part that's important. Make plans for the upcoming holidays, like New Year's Eve. This is YOUR time to enjoy life!

Sorry but I’ve started charging and am fully booked for the next few weeks. If you want to book in, let me know! I now charge £…

I had an aunty like this who used me every friday and Saturday because she wanted to work in a bar .. I couldn't go to any of the things I was invited too.. I stopped in the end and she was horrible about it.. in fact she is just a horrible selfish person anyway..
Say no I dont want to do this anymore ive got my own life im no longer available.. be strong dont let them bully you the answer is no because I dont want to.

If a good relationship with them depends on you being their beck and call babysitter then you have to decide if keeping them happy is more important to you than making yourself happy. Then you could ask yourself why you are so committed to putting yourself out and keeping the peace with people who clearly take you for granted.

If someone is angry when you say no to them it means they are a boundary trampling bully and not that you did something wrong.

If you cannot say no without it causing an argument perhaps you will have to accept that a good relationship with them is not possible. You cannot make them change so you have to unless you want things to continue as they are. The problem with giving in for a quiet life is that it destroys your self esteem which makes you more likely to keep doing what they want in the hope that one day they will respect and appreciate you. Reasonable and respectful people do not take advantage of other people.

Accept this is the life you are choosing or choose something different and say no. Yes, it's easier said than done but if you don't change what you do they aren't going to change.

You’re hesitant because you’ve always been this way and they’ve probably always taken advantage of you. Next time they ask just say I can’t I’m busy. If they keep pushing just say it again, I can’t I have a lot on. Keep saying it. If they happen to ask what’s up just tell them it’s all too much and you can no longer be their unpaid skivvy and leave it at that

What they might do it reduce the token £5 gift to one of £2.50?

Honestly, this is such bullshit. AI always over-eggs it on the ridiculously exaggerated details. If the gift had been 20 quid I might have believed it.

Op this might be a good start but you really do need to take control on this. Could you even take up a new hobby which means you are literally not available any more. What they are doing to you is actually a form of abuse.

Did I miss the bit where they forcibly kidnap you and lock you in the house?

It will cut it, it’s just that you don’t want to say it.

You’re young and deciding who you want to be. It’s the perfect time to stop doing what others expect of you so they treat you like a doormat. Don;t wait until you are menopausal before you stop giving a crap about others’ opinions. That’s such a waste of life.

I was out driving on the eve of 24th and I didn’t like it at all - the weather was quite hairy here! So I don’t blame you at all!!

How about taking the bull by the horns but from a slightly different angle:
”Hi guys. Have been going through my diary and with Christmas coming, things are starting to get really busy. Just wanted to give you a heads up that from here on, I am only free to babysit on Wednesday 11 Nov and Tuesday 8 Dec. No other dates are free as I have plans, work and study commitments etc. Book now to avoid disappointment but please note that I am really going to have to insist that the heating is on 😉”

The tone is jolly but firm. It gives them time to plan (not that the CFs deserve such consideration) and hopefully won’t blow a hole in your incredibly one sidedrelationship. Good luck to you.

How was the sitting @fernandesricksmyworld and did you help yourself to something from the fridge at least?

I echo the other posters here, you need to find your voice and tell them no more sitting! There are plenty of suggestions here, you can fade it out or tackle it head-on. Good luck.

@fernandesricksmyworld

Kindly this.

Future you will thank you.

I’d encourage you to be honest as to why, give them the feedback, but just the once.

They won’t like it, but that’s also not a reason not to. Then grey rock them moving forward.

No, I don’t want to, because I don’t want to, etc..

It’ll feel awful and awkward, at first at least, sure, make peace with that and do it anyway. You have to break eggs to make an omelet. It’ll take practice, and get easier each time, also like making an omelet.

The empowerment you’ll feel for it though, and for having your life to yourself, will feel great!!

Good luck!!

Also this.

say "no sorry"
And definitely not "no sorry because..."
Its hard because giving a reason feels expected through politeness, but it only opens up discussion, and if you start to discuss it, youll find them making reasons why and you having to create reasons why not. You want to keep a good relationship with them and going into discussion might lead to telling them what you really think and falling out.

If "no sorry" is met by a "why" then id say "because i say so" or because im not doing babysitting any more. Its none of their concern if youve got plans, or what youre doing instead, or even if youd just rather stay home and get high or whatever.
You dont have to answer to them. Claim control!

NO is a full sentence. It requires no explanation.

You need to get yourself an (imaginary) hobby. Pick scouts or something - unless they’re involved they can’t catch you out and we always did loads of weekend days out and camps which meant I had very little free time for other stuff.

So what if they get angry. Tell them you are retired form babysitting, period. Don't see them if they act shitey. And Phone numbers can be blocked

I recommend counseling to get over this. I used to be a people pleaser so I get it. But usually when people are upset, you're in the right. Counseling helped me.