How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

Exactly what Proudcat says!!

OP, I have been in your situation, I was trying to think of ways of backing out without upsetting them, I felt intimidated and pressured and ended up feeling like the only decision I could cope with was to carry on looking after my nieces & nephews.
I spoke to a friend about it, and my friend advised exactly what Proudcat suggests, just say 'I don't want to' and keep repeating that to answer everything they say.
It was easy to remember.
I was called to a family meeting at our parents house, where my siblings and my parents tried their hardest to persuade me, asking me what was the problem, how could they fix it, before resorting to calling me a selfish and inconsiderate bitch who only ever thought of myself, and through it all, even when I was sobbing with the relentlessness of it all, I just kept on saying 'I dont want to.'
They couldn't argue or compromise with that.
IME, when you start explaining what your issues with babysitting are, you are merely placing obstacles in their way and they will promise you whatever it takes or say whatever works to get you to carry on.
Just repeat 'I don't want to.'
No matter what they say!!

I agree, turn the heating on and eat tomorrows lunch.

You have to learn to be okay with it otherwise you’re just a people pleaser who’ll get walked over your whole life. To be respected you have to have a bit of bite to you. (Learned this the hard way!)

Next time they ask, say something like, “that week doesn’t work for me, but I could do something week x” , where week x is a few weeks in the future. And just keep to it and leave a gap of however long you want between babysitting.

and just make sure if they’re not feeding you, that you don’t go over until you’ve had dinner.

Seconded. Rip that tape off and don’t faff around with ever-decreasing commitment. Ten to one that’d end up just as binding and onerous as the present scene.

You don’t want to do it so don’t. We have the odd bit of family babysitting, and have only once paid for a babysitter. We tend to just go out separately. My mum does it every couple of months and we don’t pay her, or provide dinner (she brings her own) but we would if she wanted us to. Other siblings do it about once or twice a year maybe and the same. But if they were not as well off or were doing it more often of course we’d pay. Also we don’t take the p about time we’re out. Normally it’s about 7pm to 10.30-11pm and when the kids were younger we’d put them to bed before going out.

Hi op start by putting yourself first there not your kids let them down a few times last minute so they know you cannot be relied on. Just out of interest why are you needed so much. Today is a shitty day where are they going that can’t be put off. Unfortunately you do need to nip it in the bud. Get a hobby fill your time up. These siblings chose to have kids so it’s their responsibility and also they are very tight fisted not putting the heating on for the kids is disgraceful.

Give them home made babysitting vouchers for Christmas with an expiry date for however many times you are willing to babysit (3 or 4).

Write it in red lipstick on all their mirrors tonight

If they treat you differently for saying no OP, it tells you a lot. They're users. They know you're too timid to stand up for yourself. Try saying no every now and then, you already have plans, sorry. Let them experience you not being at their beck and call.

Or …. “‘Please don’t ask me to babysit again. I’ve done it for you for years but I never get paid, get a meal, get any expenses or any appreciation. You don’t even think to put the heating on for me when the house is cold. I should have said ‘no’ a long time ago but you know what, I didn’t want you to get angry with me”.

if she calls out the anger before they get a chance to get angry, then maybe it will stop them in their tracks.

then silence. Don’t apologize. Don’t answer any questions. Don’t explain yourself any further. They’ll look for a way to argue you back into it. Say “this isn’t a working for me” if you have to. Stand your ground. Don’t get dragged into a negotiation.

Let it be awkward. Sometimes when you have been too accommodating when you take a step back, the beneficiary thinks you're withdrawing rather than just taking back what is actually yours - don't overthink it. Just say no and accept whatever flak comes your way. If they freeze you out then you have your answer as to what you mean to them. Find people who see you and value you. Good luck.

OP, You sound like a classic people pleaser.
Allow me to let you in on a little secret 🤫
People pleasing, always centering other people in your world, constantly considering other people's needs and desires above your own and feeling that if you are capable of fixing something for someone then you really should, NEVER EVER MAKES PEOPLE LIKE YOU, RESPECT YOU OR VALUE YOU!
In fact, it does the complete opposite!

Start putting your own feelings, needs and desires first!

Go and look in the fridge: Is there anything in there that you fancy? What about tomorrow's dinner? Is there something in there that would suit you, including pudding? Find a bag, anyone will do, put what you want in there.

Are you out of toilet rolls, washing up liquid, clothes washing stuff? Well don't go empty handed. Do your shopping in their cupboards.

Put everything you want/need in your car before they return and don't say anything.

Go to the heating controls and turn the heating up as high as you can and don't turn it off when you go home.

When they return leave straight away. Don't answer your phone when they call, don't read any of their SM. Have a good night's sleep.

Happened to a friend of mine also. Remember her husband back before they had kids and were minding her niece and nephew for a whole weekend, saying “I just hope she (older sister) reciprocates when we have kids”. She didn’t.

OP you need to be proactive or this will eat away at you, waiting till the next time they ring or text!

Copy this into a text or WhatsApp and send it now, tonight, as soon as you are out the door, to BOTH

Hi both, just letting you know I won't be available to babysit for a few months now. Please don't ask as I'd hate to have to say no! See you soon at <family event>, lots of love OP

Do not think, just press send.

That is the difficult bit done.

Then any time they ask "sorry, can't - I did let you know"

Great idea ... and of course don't give a gift as well!

As this might be her last night babysitting, I say raid their liquor cabinet… bag a few bottles of something nice for yourself before you leave!!

You say you want a close relationship with them
but unfortunately it looks like it’s just transactional. They aren’t grateful, they expect rather than ask and don’t take your comfort into consideration.

Me and my sister are fairly close- we have a big age gap so we didn’t really grow up together. She will babysit occasionally. I always ask and never expect. I make sure the fridge is full of food and a bed made in case she’d rather stay over. I expect her to treat my house like her own, and I always offer to pay for the activities and things they do.

I would say you are happy to only do it occasionally and accept the fallout.

Are you the middle child people pleasing? Imagine yourself saying no, let that settle in your body, then tell them you do not want to do it anymore, only an entitled psycho would get angry about this?

what is the worst that would happen OP? What does that anger look like from them?

I think it depends on how they ask you. I’m no good at a face-to-face request, but fine with saying no via WhatsApp for example. Be prepared. Sounds daft, but go through scenarios with a friend.

’We’re going out on Friday. Can you be at our house for 7?’
’No sorry. I’m busy this week’
’Busy?? You’re never busy’
’Well, this week I am, sorry’

Then end the conversation!!

Practice with a strong minded mate who can play the role of your family member!

Good luck

It might be useful to do a little maths here - I think you will be quite shaken when you realised how much money you have saved them.

“in the last 12 months, I have provided free childcare on a total of x occasions. This equates to x hours in total so considering the local hourly rate for childcare is £xx, I have saved you a grand total of £x. And that’s just this year, never mind that I have been doing this for a decade. Never a word of thanks. You don’t even leave the heating on or care that I might need to eat! Enough is enough. Please make other arrangements for your babysitting as I am not doing it anymore”.

They don't give a shit about you. They are just narcs and whilst you want a good relationship with them, this ain't it.

I would say something like, I love helping you out and seeing the children, but I’m currently finding it too much. I just take a while to get my energy levels back afterwards, so 3 times a month is taking its toll at the moment. I don’t mind the occasional time when you can’t find a babysitter, but I need to scale it back a bit. Gosh, I must be feeling the effects of getting older!

sound like you have done loads and it’s not been appreciated as much as it should have been. You’ve been amazing from the sounds of it. I think any commitment three times a month is a lot, in reality.

Cut her off? Why would they cut her off?