How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

But they're in the wrong, just the expectation of you doing it without question, being unappreciative with no heating and cheap present...why do YOU feel scared of upsetting them? They're completely taking you for granted, using you.
If they get angry, then that's not right, they're in the wrong, not you!

If you feel you have to have a pretext ready in case of their applying pressure on hearing that you have ‘quit’, maybe say you’ll be studying (not a fib, since reading The Valley of the Dolls with a glass of wine could be classed as American Culture Studies!) in any free time, and you also have found new leisure interests.
Plus, there is the matter of wild oats to be sown, catastrophic romances to try, DIY hair dye disasters to experience: life is just too full now! 😈

Whatever you do, allow no chipping away at your resolve. They’ve had a bloody good run with you and now you’ve your own life to lead, no longer burdened by the expectations of your entitled siblings.
No apologies, since you have nowt to be sorry about, and no guilt no matter what tragic tales of family need you may get.
Your siblings ought not to have had kids at all if everything hinged on your being constantly available.
Stand your ground, woman!

Then they will have lots of money saved up to do it now!

Sorry that doesn’t work for me and keep repeating it.

"Hey siblings, I'm not providing childcare for you anymore. You're taking the piss and you don't appreciate it."

Don’t say “i can’t because…” or they will look to solve the problem of why you can’t! Just say I’m busy, I have plans, I’m tired, basically don’t give the CF a way to talk you round!

I would just say exactly what you have written here, babysitting is actually becoming very time consuming and leaving you out of pocket. I’d say I’m happy to have them one every couple of months.

Are they seriously leaving their children in a freezing cold house because they aren’t in it? They sound delightful!

Good point. Maybe a bustup would be very effective. Find your anger and give them all a shock!
(And honestly, who cares if this or that family member mutters about you letting family down? To Hades with them anyway, if they view you as a public service because you are single.)

This is despicable and you know it. Blood relationships do not exempt individuals from the expectation of respect and common decency.

I just don’t like upsetting people. I want a good relationship with them but don’t enjoy doing this

I think that a very simple

"I'm sorry but the number of times I'm being asked to babysit is now interfering with my social life. I am prepared babysit once a month, so six times a year per family but that's all. Please don't use up your six turns in the first two months or there will be no other dates forthcoming."

This puts it quite politely but firmly and leaves the door open for them to ask and for you to say no.

But its not a good relationship is it?

Of course they will expect you to come out. You've never said no to them in the past. You say that saying no won't work with your family but what does it look like in practice? They are hardly going to drag you over to their place against your will. They might get angry, so what? Again, I don't expect them to show up at your doorstep with a loaded gun. You just need to put your big girl's pants on and say "I won't be able to do regular babysitting anymore".

You are letting them walk all over you. Stand up for yourself and say no.
Dear siblings. I'm not prepared to babysit any more. You don't put the heating on, get any food in or cover my petrol money, so clearly don't appreciate my time. I will be spending my time with people who do appreciate me.

Why do they get to have social lives but you don't?! And why do their feelings/anger matter but not yours?

You are important. You are the main character in your own life, not a bit part in theirs. You may need to read some empowering books or watch a whole load of films with strong female characters. You can stand up to them!

They don't give a shit about upsetting you though...

But why don't your feelings matter??
It's too much for you, and they haven't even noticed, or care.
Totally reasonable to tell them you won't be able to do it any more. If they get shitty with you, that's their problem. You could come back with a ' I can't believe you've turned on me after all the childcare I've given you!' Stick up for yourself!

You need to learn to say no. They will not like it but frankly, it’s time they heard some home truths from you.

‘Please don’t ask me to babysit again. I’ve done it for you for years but I never get paid, get a meal, get any expenses or any appreciation. You don’t even think to put the heating on for me when the house is cold. I should have said ‘no’ a long time ago but you know what, I didn’t want to offend you!

Well, I’ve decided enough is more than enough so I won’t be babysitting for you any more, except on the odd occasion. And on those occasions I’ll be expecting better treatment than I’ve experienced up until now. And we will need to agree what that looks like up front.’

I would just be honest with them.Tell them 3 times a month is too much (which it is!)Be honest and say you need space to relax /go out with your friends ,( join a group to meet new people as well) .They probably wont like it but its tough .They are treating u like a mug.If u are the youngest they are probably bossing u round .What do your parents say? They should be supporting u here

Then they don’t go out.

Saying no takes practice when it makes you feel uncomfortable.
But the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And it feels good cos you're taking control!!

Tell them you have an evening job doing online admin.

I think there are a few ways of doing this. I do find chat gpt quite good for options for how to deal with scenarios like this especially if you ads in what you're worried their reactions might be.

You could be honest. Say you feel like you've been taken advantage of, and they don't return the favour. Only you will know how they're likely to react but they won't want to lose their free babysitter so I imagine being defensive (we thought you liked spending time with your nieces / nephews) and turn it back on you (don't you want them to have a social life / date night etc, its easier for you thab them bexayss of x and y) and false promises (of course they appreciate you, any time you need them they're happy to do you a favour).

You could make something up if you are worried of their reaction. A new hobby, a friend who is having some issues/ ill and need some help, minor illness that's making you tired, working overtime or different shifts, volunteering work, you're out with friends and just gradually be less available

No thank you

Why?

I don't want to do it

Why?

Just don't want to

But why?

Because I don't want to

Grey rock them

I provided endless babysitting for my niece, usually at the drop of a hat.
I didn’t mind. I was single and I adored her.

It was NOT reciprocated when I had my own and particularly when pregnant with DC2 as I had medical issues which left me really incapacitated.

However, my sister has been absolutely amazing in other ways since, so it’s fine.

DH also used to help his brother a LOT. Again, he was single at the time but didn’t drive.

Then we’d have them both for sleepovers fairly regularly, when they were older and he’d met me.

Again, no reciprocation.

Your family are CF’s.
I saw your post saying that you’re already there.
So turn the heating on.

Raid the fridge.