AIBU to feel used by this school mum

[Sarawithoutah]

Sorry this is a long one.
I have been “friends” with this mum for a number of years since both our sons started primary school. Our eldest sons are in the same class (year 6) and also our youngest sons are in the same class in year 3.

multiple times over the years she has asked me to take them to school and pick them up, the boys would usually stay at mine for around an hour before and after school. I usually pick her children up at least once a week or sometimes twice.

i have noticed that every half term and summer holiday I never hear off her, i know it works both ways with communicating but it makes me feel used. I have seen many updates on social media that she and another mum from school have days out together with the children.

There was a Halloween event on at school last week and I asked her if she was going, she said she was unsure if she could make it. I saw her with another mum there, her son ignored my son because he had another friend and didn’t want to know mine which upset my son.

she has asked me if I can help out every week as she has started a new job, would I be unreasonable to say no or how do I get round this as I feel very used silly and hurt as I thought this woman was a friend.

Say no. She is using you. Don't be a doormat and dont let your son be treated like that either.

If she is such good friends with the other mums she can leech off them

She’s using you OP, but you’ve already said you know that anyway. How mean!
All you have to say is you’ve had a change of circumstances and can’t help with pick ups any more. Don’t elaborate, don’t feel forced to offer an explanation, she has no right to ask why.

Just say ‘I can’t commit to that, I’m happy to do it as a one off, but not as a commitment’ or leave off the second part and just say you wont agree to a regular arrangement. It’s extremely cheeky to expect someone to commit - plenty people struggle to get their own parents to commit… it’s a big ask. A school mum offered to have my daughter once per week, but I’ve said that if her kid was ill or another reason then my husband is wfh and can change plans easily. She also knows I do my part and will have her daughter in the holidays if needed.

I’d just message her ‘ sorry that won’t really work for me’ be polite but don’t do anything else for her, she’s clearly good at using people for her own personal benefit, I wouldn’t have a big argument but let it go.

I agree with @Purpletoes , OP. The key is to find a way to say ‘No’ you can be comfortable with, and stick to it.

I would keep it vague: ‘Sorry, Leech, but I can’t do that.’ If she asks why, remind yourself that she is being very impolite and keep it vague: ‘Because that doesn’t work for us’. Repeat as necessary.

Even if you have a perfect excuse - say she asked you to do Fridays, but you bring your DC to your elderly Mum nearby at the crack of dawn Fridays because you need to get a very early start at work (to make up a situation) - don’t explain it. If you do, she will be offering to swap for a different day. Just ‘Because that doesn’t work for us’.

Good luck with this.

PS Cross posted with the others. Glad we agree!

Of course you’re not, she is a cf. Just say no xx

Don’t give any explanations. When she asks just say ‘no, I’m not able to do that’. And walk off.

Don’t give any apologies or say that you could maybe do it occasionally. She doesn’t help you and she’s not embarrassed to leave you out when it doesn’t suit her. It will probably feel awkward at first because I’m sure you’re a nice person but people like her walk all over nice people. She’ll have to find someone else now.

I'd just be honest with her, that after the Halloween party where she clearly tried to avoid you/your kids and your son was ignored, plus her school holiday social media posts of get togethers with this other mum and kid you're never invited to, it's become very clear to you that you and your children aren't who she or her children want to spend their time with.
As a result, you're offended/hurt/upset etc and feel like you've been taken advantage of as free childcare, and you are no longer willing to help out, especially after her son excluded yours, you can't be allowing someone who treats him like that in to his home.

Thank you all for your responses, they all sounds perfect!

Say no that won't work. and that's it. no explanations, no apologies, and no more dropping her kids to school.

she is using you. You don't have to let yourself be used.

Also it is not fair to your son to make him spend time with a boy who clearly doesn't particularly want to be friends with him.

Say no, don't give a specific reason, just say you can't commit to every week. If you want to still help out sometimes you can offer to do so but it seems like this relationship is very one sided.

When my eldest was in Nursery I met a Mum for the first time at pickup one day and happened to mention we lived a few doors down from the Nursery and I worked shifts. The next day she had left her number with the Nursery manager and asked me to call her. She asked if I would have her son every morning, 5 days a week from 0700-0830 (when the nursery opened) and drop him in with my daughter as she had a new job and couldn't afford a childminder. She said she could pay me a small amount to cover his breakfast each day. This was not a friend, it was a woman I had met once for about 10 mins! I was not a childminder and did not work with children! I declined and said I couldn't commit as when I do night shifts my Mum had my daughter overnight and then dropped her to Nursery and she asked if on those days could my Mum do the same for her son too 😵🤔 The audacity of some people is shocking!

‘No, that doesn’t work for me. I don’t mind a reciprocal arrangement but me just doing regular childcare for you isn’t something I want to do.’

I genuinely don't understand all the people saying don't explain why, don't give a reason, just "it doesn't work for us" etc. Surely rudeness and blatant advantage taking like this is something that should be "called out" for want of a better term?
Why pretend it's anything other than she's a cheeky fucker, (but worded politely) because it's not calling out shit like this that people keep doing it to others.

Say no you can’t commit to that and leave it. She is using you.

Absolutely say no! She’s treating you like hired (but unpaid) help. I knew someone like this when mine started primary. She basically worked her way through ‘friends’ taking advantage until they had enough and pulled back. Draw back now and protect yourself.

Because it can open up a conversation where excuses and sob stories may be produced. If your’re not interested to engage with that rubbish then keep it simple and to the point. “No that doesn't work for me”. And move on.

@NaiceGoose - that is one of the cheekiest things ever! I'm wondering if that woman expected your mum to have her son overnight too and get him to school at the same time as your DD. Or was your DM supposed to divert to pick him up in the morning? I guess you didn't stick around to find out.

If you never had to see any of these people again, this might be satisfying, OP.

But what would it accomplish? This kind of person won’t realise she’s wrong, much less apologise. There is a good chance a version of your honesty that you would never recognise will circulate amongst the school
mums. You will be made to sound a selfish cow and your DS both hypersensitive and precious, maybe worse. And you will never know it.

How do these CFs live with themselves?
I just don’t get it. How self centred and rotten inside do you have to be to behave like this?

Balls! That's so bloody rude and hurtful. I wouldn't help out again.

They just don’t have any shame.

A CF can’t function without a wet lettuce to enable them. The OP has known what was happening for years, and has chosen to go along with it, meekly doing free childcare for someone who never reciprocated, or wanted to see her socially out of terntime.

Say no and try to enjoy it. You'll look back in the near future and regret you weren't more firm and earlier too. And it's also modelling self-respect in front of your son.

If your relationship is purely that your sons are in the same classes and centres around school, then you are not friends - more like acquaintances. You are convenient to her. I would say no to her request because her job appears to rely on it, which effectively locks you in. What happens if/when the boys fall out or make new friends or want to do something else after school - go to another freinds house for example. It's a big ask, even if she wasn't using you.