AIBU to feel used by this school mum

[Sarawithoutah]

Sorry this is a long one.
I have been “friends” with this mum for a number of years since both our sons started primary school. Our eldest sons are in the same class (year 6) and also our youngest sons are in the same class in year 3.

multiple times over the years she has asked me to take them to school and pick them up, the boys would usually stay at mine for around an hour before and after school. I usually pick her children up at least once a week or sometimes twice.

i have noticed that every half term and summer holiday I never hear off her, i know it works both ways with communicating but it makes me feel used. I have seen many updates on social media that she and another mum from school have days out together with the children.

There was a Halloween event on at school last week and I asked her if she was going, she said she was unsure if she could make it. I saw her with another mum there, her son ignored my son because he had another friend and didn’t want to know mine which upset my son.

she has asked me if I can help out every week as she has started a new job, would I be unreasonable to say no or how do I get round this as I feel very used silly and hurt as I thought this woman was a friend.

I’d go one step further than bananacrepe and when you say no suggest that the friend she was seen out with might well be able to help

She is a CF who is just using you.

Nah, sorry not only does that not work for me, but I don't think our kids are getting on very well as your boy wasn't interested in hanging out with my son last time.

DO NOT AGREE TO THIS, PLEASE! IT'S YOUR LIFE BUT YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

Sorry about the caps, but come on! You owe this to yourself, and you will feel so satisfied when you do stand up to her.

This

'TBH 'friend' I was more than happy to help when our children were good friends and I felt that the arrangement was reciprocal. However without trying to be inflammatory I don't think either of these things are the case any more. I understand that kids are fickle and I'm more than happy for you to have my ds over for a playdate should they start getting on again and there's no hard feelings but for now I think you need to find another babysitter. All the best'

She wants you to look after her son so she can work ,
But if you say "The boys were friends but they don't seem to be now" she;ll just say Oh but Barry is no trouble , he'll just read or do homework while you get Jim sorted for school

Don't mention money - this is always trotted out on these childcare threads
tell her your rate is £x
You are not a registered childminder , you cannot legally do this , you don;t have a "rate" and even if she did offer , she'd pay a couple of weeks then ....not .

I have never heard anyone IRL say "that doesn't work for me"
Just tell her you cannot . No explanation. No apologies . No "well if you have an emergency"

She's shown her true colours . If she asks , then say "you and Barry couldn;t get away quick enough at the Hallowe'en event could you " and leave it at that .
Let it sink in , or not , that she's a user .

Yes!

I like this too.

It's succinct and not clumsy, with no "you did this" detail, yet says it all.

I’d tell her you’re surprised she’s asked you when the boys aren’t very close anymore and nor are you and her. But tell her that you were thinking about looking into becoming a proper childminder because people ask you so often, and if you do go down that route you’ll get back to her once you’ve worked out your prices.

I’d say …. Oh, thanks for asking but no, I’m avoiding all extra commitments for the moment, and actually I did notice the other day that your Bobby didn’t seem keen to include my Billy so it wouldn’t work out for the children anyway, but I’ll let you know if my circumstances change.

Just say . “Hi CF, just a quick heads up that I won’t be able to do any more school runs for x and z from half term onwards. Have a great halfterm holiday.”

I was in a similar situation and called it out.
i used to do lifts and one day she asked me to bring her son and his play date home!
I said there wasn’t much in the relationship for us and said I didn’t want to hear from her again .

This is an interesting one since if you are friends then friends help each other out but you should always aim for WIN WIN. She clearly is not a friend and does not value you or your son (sorry to give you that bald assessment but her actions are shouting loudly at me here). You know you should absolutely tell her her NO. Please do that, you will feel so much better even if she never speaks to you again. You deserve much better than this.

Good response - just the right mix of bright and breezy but firm!

In my experience, people who are always on the grift work on the assumption that everyone is doing exactly the same and they don't really believe they are any worse than anyone else. There must be some cognitive dissonance though because they purposely root out specific people who are gullible to their grifting. I think they're also arrogant enough to think that others either won't see what they're doing, or won't have the balls to call it out. They don't feel any shame, either way.

Avoid her like the plague. I say this from experience as a doormat for such people!

Say “it’s not possible for me to pick your children up from school anymore” and leave it at that. She’s not your friend, she’s someone who sees you and your son as people to be used for her family’s convenience.

She us not a friend just a school mum. Who needs something even if it was a friendship they dont last past into highschool

She's a user and has treated you badly. Be polite but distant and no more favours. CF's get away with it because a lot of folk are actually kind people. But sometimes get taken advantage of.

Yes before and after school clubs are really expensive now especially if you don't use them everyday, but just on an ad hoc basis. When my children were in primary school, I deliberately worked locally in a low paid shop job 10 am to 2.30pm in order to take and collect my children from school everyday. A close friend locally who was a teacher in a different local school asked me if I would have her two for an hour before and an hour after everyday, so she could get to and from work on time. I agreed and she insisted on paying me for this every week and also had my two sometimes in the school holidays if I had to work. This is how real friends treat each other. Interestingly other mums assumed I was doing it for free and asked me if I could fit their child in too as they were struggling with work shifts. I happily explained that 4 children before and after school was quite enough for me to cope with!

Oh dear, she is not a good friend, she’s using you as an unpaid nanny, and keeping other friends separate from you, it’s time to tell her you’re not going to do it any more for your own sanity and self esteem and your children’s. I used to have a so called friend who would come round in the afternoon before the older child came home and let her 4 year old run riot in my house with my daughter and leave my house in a mess for me to clean up while she went off home to a nice tidy home! Best of luck to you though.

Yes or she’ll lead op on with a couple of play dates offers of help and then return to old ways . I agree I think vague is better.

I would just say I can't take on anything that regular and say we've got other plans from now on.

Please find new friends and immediately line up childcare should you need it.

I think this hits the nail on the head. Whether she’s your best mate or a user the mum is locking you into childcare for at least the next school year regardless of your circumstances or if the boys are/ stay friends. It’s a lot to ask of someone - especially if it’s non reciprocal.

This woman is not your friend. You are useful to look after her child, but outside of that role, you have no place in her life, or that of her son's. She's a cheeky mare, who's spent a long-time taking advantage of your kindness.

To be honest, her son doesn't seem to be that bothered in spending time with your son...other than when he has to due to you looking after him. Therefore, he's not really a friend of your son's either.

I'm assuming you are taking/picking up on set days or is it on random days? I'm also assuming you're on half-term this coming week? If so, I would message her 'Hi Cheeky Mare. I won't be available to look after Sam before/after school any longer. You will need to make alternative arrangements, for when the children go back after half-term'. You could also add in 'I'm sure X and X would help' and give her the names of the Mum's she seems to prefer to hang out with! If she comes back asking why, shut the conversation down 'my circumstances have changed' or 'it doesn't work for me any longer'. You don't owe her an explanation.

She's not your friend, shes a user!