AIBU to feel used by this school mum

[Sarawithoutah]

Sorry this is a long one.
I have been “friends” with this mum for a number of years since both our sons started primary school. Our eldest sons are in the same class (year 6) and also our youngest sons are in the same class in year 3.

multiple times over the years she has asked me to take them to school and pick them up, the boys would usually stay at mine for around an hour before and after school. I usually pick her children up at least once a week or sometimes twice.

i have noticed that every half term and summer holiday I never hear off her, i know it works both ways with communicating but it makes me feel used. I have seen many updates on social media that she and another mum from school have days out together with the children.

There was a Halloween event on at school last week and I asked her if she was going, she said she was unsure if she could make it. I saw her with another mum there, her son ignored my son because he had another friend and didn’t want to know mine which upset my son.

she has asked me if I can help out every week as she has started a new job, would I be unreasonable to say no or how do I get round this as I feel very used silly and hurt as I thought this woman was a friend.

Op please tell us what she says!

Cease and desist all help and favours immediately. No exceptions. Find some proper friends. You are confusing your son about what friendships look like.

She’s a total CF, like they used to say on the adverts on tv (I’m quite old ) just say no that doesn’t work for me ,no other explanation required imo.

Just say no sorry I can’t we’ve got things to do . You don’t need to explain yourself to her . She is a user .

You’re basically her unpaid childminder.

Start invoicing her. You can start with the petrol money.

Only thing is if she says that the other woman might try getting her kid for force a friendship

How about advocating being honest and saying I won't put up with using behaviour then block her ../don't fanny about she's taken the piss out of you for long enough

I have this issue too! I’m a convenience to this woman, it means I pick up her slack , so she can work longer hours than me ( as I have taken a job based on my lack of childcare, and rely on myself) she has taken one and just assumed she can lean on others for support! She is entitled to the point that she now just “ forgets “ to check in on me and my availability! It is just assumed! I am very independent and find her attitude alien to me, but go along with it as our kids are friendly and I’ve not wanted to rock the boat. I’m not in her “inner circle” either, so it highlights her entitlement to me. She is clever and can be superficially charming enough to make you believe you are being harsh. So on it goes! I actually don’t mind doing it, but it’s her assumptions that I find offensive. But it’s preferable to a fall out and tension when being unable to avoid each other. Got to pick your battles I suppose! Wouldn’t take much for me to give her a piece of my mind if she pushes it though!

@Sarawithoutah
She's wiping her feet all over you like you were the proverbial doormat and you're letting her
Tell her to fork off
As you're not here for her delectation.
Your son will survive without her boys "friendship" because he only knows his mother's example so in turn is a user like her
And I bet shes never had a "friend" she couldn't use

This! Being totally honest is the best way, but seems to be avoided by most people.

Ditch the bitch and don't feel even slightly bad about it. I had a friend like this, even fell out with a few school mums because of her but during COVID she never once messaged me (my husband was shielding and I was terrified to even go to the shops in case I brought it home) so I left it to see how long it would take for her to notice. I'm not even joking, it was nearly a year before she just removed me as a friend on Facebook and that was that!

Don’t feel silly but do feel hurt.

Some people are utter pisstakers. I’ve always been the one doing childcare, having sleepovers, taking other folks kids for days out all at my expense. My child is a teenager now and I can count the reciprocal invites on one hand and several of the little freeloaders have gone on to physical bully my child.

You sound really very lovely and deserve better. Don’t harden your heart too much there are good people out there. In my dotage I’ve met a really lovely school mum and we have shenanigans and adventures together. Took a while to find such a friendship but she was well worth waiting for.

Definitely say no. It may free you up to meet more genuine people too.

This. People like this need telling why. I'm not surprised you're hurt and feel used 😔

Tell her your hourly charge.

She’s using you. Politely finish the “friendship” she will move on to another doormat to use.

"No sorry - I can't commit to anything regular, and DS and your DC don't seem to be close anymore so it isn't working having them at ours."

I had a friend where I'd sometimes look after her daughter for an afternoon. Her daughter was friends with my daughter so it was just natural but only rarely reciprocated. Then her daughter became old enough to be home alone and it was like flicking a switch. I was suddenly a complete stranger to her.

It was fortunate that my son and husband are allergic to dogs or I would never had found out what she was like for around the same time they got a dog and sometimes needed a sitter for it, so my ex friend glommed onto my neighbours, who had a dog of the same breed. Apparently only ever used them for dogsitting and never hired anyone else to dogsit.

Anyway, the tables are turned on her now for the remaining neighbour is old and can't dogsit anymore, but my ex friend's dogs wants to play with neighbour's dog and so she walks my neighbour's dog at least once a week together with her own dogs.

Years ago I had to do the same with my daughters friend, she at my house every day after school and used to give her a snack or dinner on the days her mum was late home from work or college. Fast forward it comes to this girls birthday, limo, make up, disco etc, Aĺl the girls in her class were invited except my daughter. Some excuse there were only so many seats in the Limo. my daughter was upset obviously i was angry as we had taken this girl in for a few hrs every other day so she wasn't out in all weathers. yet they could do this to my daughter. It was the last time we had her stay after school lessons learnt being taken for a soft touch.

You sound a really good person, but effectively an unpaid reliable child minder before and after school that enables her life, the lady even has the cheek to advise she is starting another job and can you facilitate her job/career . Rightly you have concluded you are being used and your son is now upset with events.
Its how you communicate such and it requires the big girl pants modern communication makes this easier whether by text/mail at least by one of these you can consider what to say rather than enter an awkward conversation. I do not believe you are losing a friend but freeing up your time for your own family. My mother hosted a child for many years as her single mother had to work for her family to survive as there were five of us one extra did not matter we remain in contact with the child even now an honorary family member her mother never forgot and 25 yrs later she gave my mother a financial sum just to express her deep gratitude for her help in those difficult years , I doubt this lady will ever respect your help

'Sorry, I can't help this time. I hope you can find another friend who's able to.'

This response is perfect! Good for you for standing up for yourself OP. She sounds really cheeky

Absolutely not unreasonable. I have had a very similar situation and have distanced myself from this family. My daughter is so upset because of her friend only wanting to see her when she wants and no invites from the mum either, even though ive picked her up from school all the time at school, took her kid on days out. The last straw was taking her daughter to a theme park which cost me a fortune and not once during the holidays has she asked for my daughter to go to her house or invite her to anything. Knowing im a single mum with no family close by which they have and a partner who does more than most (I didnt do it and expect her to do the same for me, I did it out of kindness and so my daughter could maintain her friendship with her closest friend)
Im done with it now. Its beyond selfish to expect me to have her child all the time and spending lots of money on her when my daughter is not even an after thought to her.
Tell the mum get lost 🤣

"I am not prepared to make a regular commitment. The boys aren't so close any ore, and to be honest there seems to have been a lot of one way support over the years. Good luck"