AIBU to feel used by this school mum

[Sarawithoutah]

Sorry this is a long one.
I have been “friends” with this mum for a number of years since both our sons started primary school. Our eldest sons are in the same class (year 6) and also our youngest sons are in the same class in year 3.

multiple times over the years she has asked me to take them to school and pick them up, the boys would usually stay at mine for around an hour before and after school. I usually pick her children up at least once a week or sometimes twice.

i have noticed that every half term and summer holiday I never hear off her, i know it works both ways with communicating but it makes me feel used. I have seen many updates on social media that she and another mum from school have days out together with the children.

There was a Halloween event on at school last week and I asked her if she was going, she said she was unsure if she could make it. I saw her with another mum there, her son ignored my son because he had another friend and didn’t want to know mine which upset my son.

she has asked me if I can help out every week as she has started a new job, would I be unreasonable to say no or how do I get round this as I feel very used silly and hurt as I thought this woman was a friend.

I did this once for someone I thought was a friend for almost a whole year, once a week. She blanks me now because she doesn’t need my help anymore. There are some fucking awful people out there.

If I were you I’d open with “I’d love to help but unfortunately (then whatever reason that makes sense).

And some people can’t apparently function without putting the unnecessary boot-in online.

I agree. I’d say something like "No, it won’t work for us because it will encourage DS to think your son is his friend, when actually he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be with him if there are other boys around - and to be honest I feel much the same way about you."

She's a twat. You're a good and kind person. Don't waste your kindness on people who just take advantage. If you're constantly running after twats, you have no time for finding and keeping people like you.

Fill your life with lovely people. There are plenty out there and you will feel so much better for it

Of course she's using you and hasn't an ounce of respect for you.
You have allowed her to use you for years and years.
Now her son treats your son the same way.
Think about the message you have given her and her child and how your son is treated as a result.
CF like that laugh at those they use.
They think they are idiots.
Think about what you are modelling to your children.
Good luck.

Oh and she will quickly move on to someone else she can use. They always do.

She is absolutely using you for free childcare. Put a stop to it now, tell her no (no need to justify why).

No, do NOT do this for her OP!

She is blatantly using you - and treating you like an imbecile if she thinks you can't see it.

I tend to opt for "never complain, never explain" interactions, but on this occasion, she is so blatant, and her DS isn't helping, that I think I'd be more forthcoming.

I'd probably say something like: "No, I don't want to help out anymore. I feel I have helped you out a lot, and yet you snubbed our invitation to the Halloween event and your DS was actually quite rude and unfriendly to DS, such that I'm actually surprised you had the gall to ask this. So no, sorry."

Maybe I wouldn't when it came to it, but if you come back and tell us you've said that, I'd definitely be delighted to hear it understand why.

ETA I think the reason I'd be inclined to be so explicit, when normally I opt for "less said," is that I get the impression she thinks you are too dim to notice - or so desperate you don't care. That's why I'd be inclined to make it clear you see it in full relief, and you do care. She has no respect.

Yes op I hate users got stung too. I would def let her know why. No you cant commit and the kids arent friends. Had a school mam who wanted Fri eve childcare. I said no. Sometimes they presume if u sahm sure you at home anyways! No mention of money either

Yeah, well, wet lettuces eventually go rotten, putrid and can cause quite a stink.

So go Stinky-Lettuce Op!

If you wanted a less aggressive, but still upfront, response, you could try "Well it seemed to me at the Halloween event, Ds and your DS aren't really close anymore."

Wouldn’t take much for me to give her a piece of my mind if she pushes it though!

Lol - yes of course you will "give her a piece of your mind" 😂

She has pushed it though - she assumes you will care for her kid/s and you fall in line and take it.

I can't see how else she can "push it" more than this?

This is perfect!

Or she could have just said ‘No, I can’t help’ years ago, and saved herself all the silent festering. She made a choice.

Yes, but in hindsight we don't always find we played everything perfectly. It could have turned out that DS made a friend for life from the arrangement.

But it hasn't, so the best she can do is act now. She can't unhappen anything.

Sorry Jane but I'm not in a position to help with childcare anymore I'm sure you'll find someone else who can help you out. X

This is probably the sensible statement op.

But I still kind of wish you'd rub her nose in her actions!

"Sorry no that doesn't work for me"
" Why? as I've said it doesn't work for me"
etc
She's not your friend.

Tbh this is more about protecting your son than your own feelings as a priority. Cut all contact with her beyond hello at the school gates. She messages you to use you? Ignore. If you feel bad remember that your son is your priority and that is who you are protecting. Much better to hurt the feelings of some vile woman than those of your son.

Tell her in simple terms, A Big F Off, she probably laughs at you for continuing to be a mug. Don't let anyone treat you like that. Ignore her messages and say you can't do her school runs before or after school, and you don't have to give her a reason either! Stop letting people treat you like this..

Just say NO! X

@Sarawithoutah

These are the words you need. That's it then don't change your mind.

I have been in a similar situation with slightly older children. At a certain point I was só fed up that I refused to play nice anymore. From one day to the next I decided to of course pick up my own girl from a party, but not her friends. To drive my own children to a venue, refusing to pick up others. My children understood very well I had been taken advantage off for a very long time and told their friends - who of course told their parents. Oh yes, they threw me dirty looks, because they had to leave their cosy homes in the middle of the night to pick up their daughters, unexpectedly without transportation. But I had heard that remark that was 't meant for my ears : oh just ask *'s mom, she's mad enough to drive around town all night for pick-ups and bringing home....'..

Yes she's using you, had she offered to pay you to look after her kids before & after school that would be different but as she doesn't pay you you're not obliged to be her slave when she feels like it. Some people just take the piss as you've found. As for the friendship you will feel hurt but you'll get over it x

Good for you. Nothing worse than users who also run down the kind will nasty comments.

Many acquaintances are friendly but only when there is an advantage to be gained. It seems to be the way of the world.