AIBU to feel used by this school mum

[Sarawithoutah]

Sorry this is a long one.
I have been “friends” with this mum for a number of years since both our sons started primary school. Our eldest sons are in the same class (year 6) and also our youngest sons are in the same class in year 3.

multiple times over the years she has asked me to take them to school and pick them up, the boys would usually stay at mine for around an hour before and after school. I usually pick her children up at least once a week or sometimes twice.

i have noticed that every half term and summer holiday I never hear off her, i know it works both ways with communicating but it makes me feel used. I have seen many updates on social media that she and another mum from school have days out together with the children.

There was a Halloween event on at school last week and I asked her if she was going, she said she was unsure if she could make it. I saw her with another mum there, her son ignored my son because he had another friend and didn’t want to know mine which upset my son.

she has asked me if I can help out every week as she has started a new job, would I be unreasonable to say no or how do I get round this as I feel very used silly and hurt as I thought this woman was a friend.

I think you already know the answer to your question but are just looking for a little validation, consolation and back up because yes, it is extremely difficult to have to both believe and accept that someone could be as mean spirited, and openly two faced as your so called friend has apparently been for some considerable time...I couldn't quite believe what I was reading and she should be very ashamed of herself but of course, if she could behave in that way in the first place, she obviously has zero conscience or sense of what is an acceptable way to treat people. 😡
You have a choice to make in that you can reply to her request letting her know how you feel and what you think of her or you can just rise above it and just tell her sorry, but circumstances have changed so the previous arrangements regarding the children are no longer an option...either of these will obviously mean that your son will have to decide for himself how he interacts with her son going forward but at his age I am sure that his perception is advanced enough to have worked the situation out for himself? 🙄
Sorry that you have been treated so shabbily, you deserve so much better...🤗

Thanks all.

yes half term here. I did notice on Friday morning another parent brought her two to school. My OH did pick up Friday afternoon as he was off and said he didn’t see her at picking up time either! I just can’t get over reading other peoples comments that people are cheeky fucks!!

Tell her to sod off!!!!

I know that’s easier said than done. Tell her you’re needed in mornings from now on to help mum/ elderly aunt/ sis with new baby or help with toddler, or working from home - starting earlier, or have new meds that are causing you some issues and you can no longer cope with 4. Would be interesting if you used the meds situation if she offered you support. You of course don’t owe her any excuse. She is a user, and she will no doubt move on to her next target.

That’s very kind of you and your husband but when I was a childminder I was told not to take someone’s sick child in, they need to stay home with the parents, they will spread their germs to everyone and it’s not fair and especially to your partner who is wfh. Just a thought.

Please stick up for yourself. The one regret I have from being a young mum was allowing people (other mums) to take the pee in similar ways to this. I was way too soft, I so wish I had acted differently. She certainly isn’t friend material so don’t worry a jot about telling her you are not able to help any longer and suggest she ask her close friends for help.

I agree with @poetryandwine
Now You've recognised she's a complete CF who has been using you, you can't unsee it. CFs are very good at prizing open the chinks in any reasonable excuse you may give and offering solutions, bulldozing through, making it harder to say no, making you feel like a mean person if you can't help.

The simplest, most effective way to put a stop to this is to say. "No, I can't do it any more." or similar. She won't take no for an answer at first,
. Why... Why.. The best answer is a simple."Because I don't want to."
Because it doesn't work for me.
"Because I'm not going to do it."

"Oh but I have an emergency.".
"Sorry you have to ask someone else.."

This will feel brutal and rude to you, but think how rude her behaviour has been. Her behaviour has hurt you and hurt your son's feelings. You are not her relative, or her employee, you owe her nothing. Being blunt and not explaining or justifying it is better than being under extra pressure and having someone demolishing every excuse and making your feel mean if you don't do it. For the same reason, venting and calling her out for upsetting your son (she deserves it) is a bad idea, she won't admit it, she will twist it because she is annoyed you've slipped out of her control. She doesn't deserve your confidences anymore.

When she realises she's blown it.. you may suddenly find invitations, to draw you back into working for her. Turn them down.
Hopefully she will take offence at the flat no, and will start ignoring you. You will find this a blessed relief and wish you'd said it sooner.
Breeze through it all serenely and cheerfully, with unruffled feathers, if people start enquiring - It's the most effective way.

You sound like a kind, nice person and will find better friends. People who will invite you to things and not because they want something. You will have more time to work on networking when you are not running around after a CF, which has actually stopped you and your son from getting to know real potential friends.
My advice would be to set up some playdates with other children your son seems to like, also try doing some clubs/sports outside school, so that its not all about a small group at school and he sees other children who like doing the same things. Best of luck x

🤣granted , I’ve been a weak idiot! But thanks for the mocking tone! Feel better?!?🤣

That’s not what i meant. I meant if for whatever reason she can’t have my daughter (for example if her child is unwell) then my husband can have our daughter - im not totally relying on her.

Met a mother a bit like this when eldest was year R. Watched her go away time after time during the year (kid stayed with dad then) then contact me to ask to have him on inset days as "she had no leave left"... Did it once and suggested she took boys next inset day but she refused. I refused when she asked the next time. Said we had plans.... I wasn't falling fir that again.

Rehearse a line in your head and stick to it. In these circumstances we try to justify and you really don't need to, it also makes the message clearer. 'I'm so sorry but I can't do that as things have changed' with a smile and leave it there. There are lots of nicer mums and friends for your children.

Does she do this to other mums too? I’m sure she does. Hope you find out. Awful behaviour, I’m sorry, you sound like a nice person. I know a mum like this. She has 3 kids and doesn’t work. Her husband is a lawyer and takes them to school every day. She works in her home garden outhouse doing her art everyday and lives just round the corner from school. She uses every parent who live on the same road to pick up her kids after school. When she can’t sucker them in face to face she puts it on the group chat. Eventually people started ignoring the requests and I believe the mums she used eventually got fed up as I would see them without her kids eventually and another new mother was roped in. One day she started turning up every day to collect them as I think she exhausted absolutely everyone. None of us got this entitlement.

Had one of those . It started off by being approached by a mum in the playground and being chatty and friendly and then she instigated coffee and play dates with each others children in the summer holidays. Then the question was popped a few days before the start of the new school year . Could she drop her child off outside ours to walk to school with us ? I said yes as it wasn’t taking up my time and I wasn’t going out of my way to do it , otherwise I would have said no . She never spoke to me again , just dropped off her kid on the driveway and drove off , never instigated any more play dates and always had an excuse when I instigated some via text ,and I didn’t get a thank you when junior school ended and the boys went their separate ways . My son said afterwards that they had nothing to do with each other in school. I never heard from this woman again.

This woman is the same OP she’s a manipulative cheeky user of people.

Id be tempted to keep "Leech" in the text! 🤣

What a perfect, measured response

I would tell her / message her that you’re not going to look after this new dog and tell her why .

Shes not got one yet as she only lost him a few months ago

But I'm waiting for the 'meet x,my new dog...'

If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got.

So unless you change and get a backbone, people will carry on treating you so badly.

CFs can't be CFs if people say no - not sit there waiting for "oooh the NEXT time I will say something!!"

Don’t cave in and don’t meet this new dog as your heart will rule your head when you see this cute puppy.

I would be blunt and say . No that doesn't work for me . Dont say you'll do occasionally or anything because that'll be the thin end of the wedge . She is a user - As others have all agreed .

Do the same back to her . Leave her on read , don;t respond to her .
If you get a chanvce to speak to her say "Gosh Amy , that's a lot to take on , " and if she says "I'm sure I can rope you in for Puppy Watch Duty" you can just reply "I don;'t think so " ( as a statement not a question )

I reckon everyone who comes on these CF threads saying ‘it’s your own fault for being such a wet lettuce’ must share this worldview.

Like, why wouldn’t you try to get out of paying for childcare by foisting your kid on some random acquaintance you can’t be arsed to speak to?

No sense that we have any basic responsibility to be decent to one another - we’re just here on earth to fight like rats in a bag for our own advancement, and if someone treats you badly it’s because you’re a saddo loser and had it coming.

So fucking depressing.

You are absolutely right, but its hard to spot at first, particularly if you come from a family with a CF.
You don't know someone is a CF until they start taking advantage.
Eg at a new school, you actively want to make friends, for yourself and your child. You're more open to people who approach you and seem friendly.
they ask for a small favour and you do it, thinking you might need a similar favour and you could both help each other. They also do what people on here call "lovebombing".. I guess it could be "Friend Bombing." Or they might make you initially obligated in some way so you feel you owe them.

It's only when this has happened several times, that you start to see it.
But by then you are caught. Doing the favour several times means you have just PROVED you can easily do said favour and are able to do it, so It's harder to come up with excuses, to your new friend.
You see them regularly (at school for instance or they live nearby) and they know your schedule. They also have techniques for making you feel mean, they "don't have anyone else" and "this is such an emergency" etc.. that its hard to say no without (if you are a naturally friendly and helpful person) feeling really rude. Maybe you do actually say no...or tell them it would be extremely difficult that day, but funnily enough, they carry on as if you said yes. Difficult for you does not mean impossible to them. They push the barriers until you agree. Suddenly someone who you thought was a friend becomes angry with you. It's confusing. A CF never takes a hint, never takes no for an answer and will delve into every excuse to demolish it. After a failed attempt, you are, like the OP left wondering "How the hell do I get out of this situation?"

So its not as simple just saying No straight off from the get go.. particularly if you are the kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt and you are trying to make connections, it's much harder when you've already been taken halfway down that CF road.

And you are absolutely right @45fh you do have to say no..maybe several times. They don't want all their hard work to go to waste so they will retaliate, complain to others, despite having received very generous help over time.
I've tried to work out why they do this, its often more work than just reciprocating every now and then, and they lose friendships. But I think they like the feeling of getting one up on people, makes them feel superior.

It’s certainly not why I said the OP was being a wet lettuce on this thread. You can do nothing to control other people’s behaviour, and OPs on CF threads are always complaining about how the other person shouldn’t have repeatedly exploited them. I mean, obviously they shouldn’t! But there are two people involved here, and the OP can only change the behaviour of one of them. Rather than wringing her hands about something she can’t control ( the CF’s entitlement to her as free childcare) she needs to ask herself why she has chosen to allow herself to be exploited for years. That she can change.

I'm a sucker for dogs but if I don't get on with the owner,I'm sure as he'll not having the dog

I'm not even meeting it-a pup is my idea of hell (they are cute but torture)

Fuck her-I was a true mate until a few months ago

But why insult the person who’s obviously having a hard time? Why kick her when she’s down?

This happens all the time on MN - people skip past the bit where you acknowledge genuinely awful behaviour for what it js (whether that’s cheating, abuse, or simple cheeky fuckery) and go straight to ‘well it only happens because you put up with it!’ Or ‘well you chose him!’ Or ‘they only do this to weak people!’

It’s basically ‘you asked for it!’ ‘What do you expect you spineless twat?’

As a reformed ‘wet lettuce’ myself, I can tell you that most of us end up this way because we were raised by extremely self-centred, ambitious, ‘alpha’ people - well regarded and aspirational to the outside world, the type of people who have no problem whatsoever saying no and refusing favours and demanding what they want and not taking no for an answer - and there were frightening and often violent consequences if we didn’t fall in and do whatever they wanted, and ridicule and humiliation if we ever stated needs or wants of our own.

There was no possibility during our formative years of ‘not putting up with’ things or setting a boundary. There was no concept whatsoever of what autonomy was or that we had a right to it.

So no, it’s not easy for us to just say no.

And it just recreates all the humiliation of our early life when we’re jeered at for being doormats or pussies or wet lettuces or whatever.

It recreates a feeling that any way anyone wants to use us is morally justified because we’re just so fucking useless and pathetic.

I cannot begin to tell you how much work it takes someone who’s been raised like this to get to a point where saying ‘no’ doesn’t make you feel like you’re literally in mortal danger.

Some women who are berated on here for being ‘wet lettuces’ are in relationships or circumstances where saying no could put them in mortal danger.

Other people’s exploitative behaviour is their own choice. Nobody at the receiving end of it causes it or justifies it by being an easy target.

What a ‘wet lettuce’ really needs is LOTS of reassurance that it’s normal and healthy to feel pissed off when someone takes advantage of them. That they’re not doing something wrong, that they’re not greedy or needy or asking for too much by wanting some thanks or reciprocity or just basic acknowledgement for doing people massive favours at their own expense - that they can say no and not have to live in fear.

This is how they begin to get to a point where setting boundaries slowly becomes possible.