AIBU to feel used by this school mum

[Sarawithoutah]

Sorry this is a long one.
I have been “friends” with this mum for a number of years since both our sons started primary school. Our eldest sons are in the same class (year 6) and also our youngest sons are in the same class in year 3.

multiple times over the years she has asked me to take them to school and pick them up, the boys would usually stay at mine for around an hour before and after school. I usually pick her children up at least once a week or sometimes twice.

i have noticed that every half term and summer holiday I never hear off her, i know it works both ways with communicating but it makes me feel used. I have seen many updates on social media that she and another mum from school have days out together with the children.

There was a Halloween event on at school last week and I asked her if she was going, she said she was unsure if she could make it. I saw her with another mum there, her son ignored my son because he had another friend and didn’t want to know mine which upset my son.

she has asked me if I can help out every week as she has started a new job, would I be unreasonable to say no or how do I get round this as I feel very used silly and hurt as I thought this woman was a friend.

She is using you OP. Just say No and she can ask the other mum's to help out. I had the same when my dc's were at primary school but stopped it when I knew I was being used for free childcare. I was a soft touch and didnt mind helping out until I felt I was being taken advantage of.

Omg that is bloody cheeky!!

That’s the thing, her son has been distant with mine which I understand kids are kids and have fall outs. She obviously doesn’t care about that and is using me purely for free childcare.

Yes, but surely this has been obvious for years?

@Sarawithoutah I helped out a mum who I thought was a friend fetching her dd for many years from school in primary, sometimes taking her there as well. Helped them look after animals and plants each time they went away as I live nearby. Once they went to secondary she hardly said hello to me because I wasn't needed anymore. It really hurt but I guess my bad for being such a mug and thought that we were friends (we did see each other and met family etc) while all she was after was free childcare...
But even in hindsight I rather be me than her because I can look myself in the mirror every day.

As I have got older I have found it easier to remember that No is a whole sentence

I wouldn't even mention one offs, that just giving her a way to start low and ramp up to every week.

I forgot to mention, I did call her out last year when I asked her if she and the boys wanted to come along to a super hero thing, she said she couldn’t go.

I then saw her there with another school mum, I was so angry that I decided not to cause a scene there as that wouldn’t have been fair on the children. I messaged her saying how hurt I was that she lied to me and her answer was sorry and that she had guilt afterwards and thought I would have said no to going with the other parent there. The other parent I get on with and have no reason to not. (I think she thought I wouldn’t have gone if she wasn’t)

i think this mum is just full of excuses and now i am putting my foot well and truly down.

usual question from me OP What took you so long?

The hard thing about being a mum is you are told you are need to build a village. I was always helpful when I could be, always ended up with children at mine, taking them out.
Then I had a major emergency, could I get anyone to take DC for a few hours, nope. Just lots of weak reasons. Even the next day I got a request to take someone’s DC as ‘they needed a break’. Never took them again.

I would say no the boys don't seem to be friends anymore and maybe (other mum) can help. CF.

But you kept on doing childcare after that, clearly. Why?

Stay strong, now!

I agree with this.

Suppose it’s because I am a fool, I really thought this woman was my friend. I don’t have many friends but now I’d rather be on my own.

Yes, you are spot on!

Is it half term where you are? If it id just message and say hi x just to let you know, as of (either schools starting back if its half term, Monday if its not) il no longer be able to take the boys to or from school going forward. Leave it at that. She does nothing to help you, she never invites you anywhere, actively lies about social events and goes with other people and her sons not being friendly to yours. You're not a doormat to be walked over.

She's not your friend. The children aren't friends.
She's using you.
Just say no, that's not going to work for me. No excuses no explanation. If pushed I would say I just want to spend the time with my own children from now on.

Yeah time to call it out for what it is. This person is not your friend and is using you for convenience.

I ended up I a similar situation, being regularly asked to take a child who lives near us to an activity. Didn’t mind as we were going anyway….. until one week I was ill and asked on the activity WhatsApp if they could return the favour and take my daughter. They said no and reeled off a list of excuses but just made themselves look silly. They’ve never asked me to drive their kid again.

This exact thing happened to me and my DS and as soon as they started secondary school and child care was no longer required the other kid totally blanked my DS. All those years of having him for dinner and taking them to all sorts of activities and trips. I’m still fuming (mostly at myself) about it now. Please cut her down.

Wow. That’s really inconsiderate behaviour from her. I think you need to say no. Don’t get into a huge thing. Just be unavailable to her.

Ps you sound like a lovely kind woman.

She can only use her if you let her.

I’m not really interested in how they get away with it, I’m wondering what the fuck kind of person you have to be to begin with to design your life around extracting shamelessly from people like a succubus.