Does nobody shout at their children?

[ABD13]

I am a mum of 3 (6,5 & 1) and recently feel like I am shouting a lot at the oldest 2, not screaming but loudly shouting their names or ‘stop it’ when they are just not listening, being dangerous or fighting. I then tend to cycle between guilt and overwhelm. I have tried asking nicely but when I have asked 10+ times to put shoes on the only thing that works is shouting their name. Yesterday my older boy (6) was being dangerous while walking home from school and after asking him to stop multiple times I shouted ‘can you just stop it’ so loud all the other mums turned and looked. Other things I shout are ‘come back here’ or ‘get down’ etc. I seem to be the only one doing it though. I model saying sorry, try and explain impact etc and in general do try and ask nicely many times. In general though they just ignore me. I am not sure what to do to improve behaviour and when I google shouting it seems like I am the only one doing it and I need to be better - but how? Those that have cracked parenting, what is the answer? Sometimes I think mine need more fear of consequence but I obviously don’t want to unfairly upset them. How do I dial back the shouting while maintaining any kind of control? Like I get they are tired as near the end of half term and I try and be understanding but one completely ignoring me doesn’t help for the other 2 when we need to get to school etc.

If you are having to shout louder and more often, it clearly isn't working. How about going over to them and stating what you want in a level tone? Asking one of them to 'come over here a minute' and have a sensible word?

I have to admit my dc just did as they were told. They were fully aware though that they’d be placed in time out if they fought or didn’t listen. Outside if they didn’t stop when I called out ‘stop’ they’d be holding my hand. I don’t know why they always listened to me I was never scary or shouty but probably was firm. They did say I was strict but not in a bad way. My friends couldn’t believe they did as they were told all the time.

Try just being firmer in your voice but without anger or frustration. And small consequences for when they don’t listen.

I'm a shouter. I don't feel guilty about it.

When I had my first I never had to shout. Ever. Now I have three I shout because they do not listen when I speak in a reasonable tone. It’s not all the time obviously, it tends to be when they are on my last nerve and I’ve had an absolute guts full of them. It works.

Your shouting at them is obviously not working so try another approach.

I agree with firmness and explaining what you expect from them and what the consequence will be if they don't do as they are told.

My DH was brilliant at this when our two were young. If they were behaving in a way that they were not supposed to, if firmly asking them to 'please stop doing that' fell on deaf ears. My DH would ask them to come to him. He would get down on their level, and firmly but calmly tell them that their behaviour was unacceptable and why. And if they continued to carry on that way then what the consequence would be (i.e no treat after dinner, no TV time, home to bed etc) His tone and face told them that he was being serious and Daddy wasn't playing. It pretty much always worked and if it didn't then the punishment was followed through, as they were told it would be.

Our kids still talk about this now as adults. They were not scared of their Dad but they knew when enough was enough and when Dad was not messing and that the punishment would be followed through if they didn't comply.

I realise this won't work for every child, as all kids are different, and all respond differently to things, but you need to try different things until you find something that works equally well for you.

I have by no means cracked parenting, in fact most days I’d say it feels like the very opposite.

But - you can be authoritative without shouting. The loudest voices aren’t always the most impactful ones.

I reserve shouting for immediate danger. Running into roads, jumping off things that are too high, etc etc.

Otherwise I have a pretty good “stern” voice, that when my (autistic) son is being a turd I actually say very little in.

I say his name and then “stop” from a distance once, and then go over and get to eye level and say it again, with some mention of consequences. “Stop, or we’re leaving.” If he doesn’t stop, we leave, end of story.

I never give consequences I don’t mean. If I do give one, I always follow through on it, and I only say no when I really mean it.

For shoes, I would take his shoes. Put them in front of him, and say “shoes” followed by “shoes now,” and then thanks once he’s done it.

All of the above is how I parent a severely autistic 10 year old, and that’s obviously not the same as others, and I’d caveat by saying I’m a human and absolutely lose my patience sometimes. But the blueprint we use is low firm voices, and very clear instructions.

We try not to shout at them but honestly going from 2 to 3 we do shout more now we are outnumbered. As a rule of thumb we try to only shout if we need to get their attention to stop them hurting themselves or one another, but sometimes that’s not the case. I’ll also admit, these days I’m much more likely to pull the “don’t make me tell your daddy!” card. They do listen to me, but because their dad is at work more and they see him less they’re kind of more worried about him being cross.

In a nutshell, get their attention, give them clear explicit instructions and tell them the consequences. Then stick to it.

Keep your voice quiet and calm. Get down on their level. Reflect back an understanding that they might not want to but that's what we need to do. No negotiation.

Notice/praise the good. Expectations and consequences should be clear and predictable.

The 1 year old will learn from the 5 and 6 year olds. The 5 and 6 year olds will already know how to do this from school.

When you shout at children they stop hearing the words and only hear the volume/anger. The less you do it the more effective it is if you need to eg in dangerous situations to get their attention.

Some children respond really well to visual cues too. So even saying stop and putting your hand up (other makaton signs are available for reinforcing) can help them and are quite often used in schools.

And, tbh, I've had parents come and speak to me who have asked what we do in school and what works so they can do it at home.

I think it's crazy that we, as parents, are just expected to instinctively know how to do these things.

Some people will, some people try things and just find something that works but there's no harm in asking someone else for suggestions.

I wasn't a shouter. My children were pretty calm as a result. One was a naturally easy child and the other was far moe challenging. Shouting would.have just made her worse and would have been counter productive.

If you shout, you end up just having to shout louder and more often and, tbh, who wants to spend their days just shouting at their children?

We’ve definitely had phases where mine only listen if I go full banshee but we seen to be through that.

Yesterday my older boy (6) was being dangerous while walking home from school and after asking him to stop multiple times I shouted ‘can you just stop it’

Why multiple times though?

After he ignored you the first time, you grab his hand and make him walk with you.

Actions speak louder than words no matter how loud you say them.

Is this the Princess of Wales by any chance?!

Shouting never really worked with my lot. Explaining why the action or behaviour is a bad idea has always worked better. If they were escalated and talking wasn't working, I'd pick them up or lead them away from the situation. Not to say I've never shouted, of course I have, more that it's not really had the desired effect so my effort is better used in other ways. My 3 are autistic if that changes anything. I'm not that clued up on parenting neurotypical kids.

"Wayne and Waynetta, shut the fuck up"

When I say dangerous he was walking in the front of the buggy and I was worried someone was going to get hurt, when I have grabbed his hand in the past he has tried to get loose, screamed etc and things have ended up even worse than when I shout - this is where I am not sure what natural consequence to use as it’s a long walk and my issue isn’t just the one child but getting all 3 home safely if one isn’t behaving and I can’t drag him along, this is where I don’t understand how when children’s hands are grabbed they submit to it?

I am told that at school both the older 2 are really well behaved and hate getting in trouble - it’s like they come out and then need to let it all out! Sometimes running in different directions, climbing etc

Also, if I ask them to come in a firm tone they also ignore me so I’m not sure how to make it more firm?

Like it feels abusive dragging a child! More abusive then shouting but maybe this is where I am going wrong?

I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever shouted at my kids. I may have loudly called out ‘stop’ if they were about to do something dangerous but that’s different to shouting, which IMO is pointless and aggressive and doesn’t actually work as you’ve found out.

My kids are really well behaved and it’s often commented on!

when I have grabbed his hand in the past he has tried to get loose, screamed etc

This is what kids do until they eventually learn it gets them nowhere.

If you have to tell him more than once, hold his hand or make him hold the buggy handle.

The tantrums will pass eventually.

What do you mean you ask them to stop. You don't ask, you tell. "Stop that right now" in a firm voice works a lot better than shouting" will you stop that?"

Another example is time out, if I try and put them in time out they just leave, so how do I make it effective? Again I can’t physically restrain them?

Yes I say stop that not just asking but a lot of the time it falls on deaf ears, the same as if I say put your shoes on etc

I feel like I haven’t cracked the ‘firm voice’

My children’s selective hearing should be studied.

Sometimes I shout “PUT YOUR PANTS ON NOW” so loudly and often that I’m surprised the entire street don’t jump out of bed and start looking for their knickers.

Those that have cracked parenting, what is the answer?

No one has.

But I find a mildly threatening, low vicious whisper does help

They did as they were told precisely because they were told, NOT asked. OP, by all means "ask" once but if they do not comply then it as simple as just telling them. You are the adult, the parent, just tell them. Do not use "would you", "can you" or whatever other bullshit gentle bollocks you can think of, just TELL THEM. You do not have to shout, just be stern and firm... ie. "Stop that right now"