Does nobody shout at their children?

[ABD13]

I am a mum of 3 (6,5 & 1) and recently feel like I am shouting a lot at the oldest 2, not screaming but loudly shouting their names or ‘stop it’ when they are just not listening, being dangerous or fighting. I then tend to cycle between guilt and overwhelm. I have tried asking nicely but when I have asked 10+ times to put shoes on the only thing that works is shouting their name. Yesterday my older boy (6) was being dangerous while walking home from school and after asking him to stop multiple times I shouted ‘can you just stop it’ so loud all the other mums turned and looked. Other things I shout are ‘come back here’ or ‘get down’ etc. I seem to be the only one doing it though. I model saying sorry, try and explain impact etc and in general do try and ask nicely many times. In general though they just ignore me. I am not sure what to do to improve behaviour and when I google shouting it seems like I am the only one doing it and I need to be better - but how? Those that have cracked parenting, what is the answer? Sometimes I think mine need more fear of consequence but I obviously don’t want to unfairly upset them. How do I dial back the shouting while maintaining any kind of control? Like I get they are tired as near the end of half term and I try and be understanding but one completely ignoring me doesn’t help for the other 2 when we need to get to school etc.

You keep putting them back. You don't need to restrain them. Just put them back without speaking to them.

I don't shout at my kids. I don't see the point as if you're shouting you're not in control, and it just makes a situation worse.

I just speak to them very firmly, keep the voice calm and low, and tell them what I need them to do and what will happen if they don't do it.

My 10 year old DD still has tantrums (she hates being told no!), and if I shouted it would just make it even worse. I say "I need you to go to your room to calm down". If she doesn't go then I take her up (quite hard work as she is strong), and make it very clear what will happen if she comes out of her room. She knows I will follow through with any threat so that's usually enough for her to remain in her room, get bored of having a tantrum, then will eventually come down when calm and apologise.

With kids you just need to be consistent and make it clear that when you say something will happen, it will happen.

I don't shout at my DC as I find shouting very triggering (I was shouted a lot at as a child). I find my ILs shout at their children a lot and it is intolerable to my ears. I use a firm tone of voice when needed with my DC. In fact, if I am really cross, my voice gets quieter and deeper - this makes the DC sit up and take note 😂
I also use natural consequences. We have a neurodiverse household and so we have always had to adapt the ways of interacting and discipline as things like Time out never worked.

I have shouted at DS, as he often runs straight at danger. He’s very lively! When in meltdown (him, not me) I don’t. It makes things worse. I talk to him calmly (gentle parenting, I dunno?).

DH comes from a shouty family, communication is terrible, and nobody understands each other. Last couple times I shouted at DS he burst into tears. I felt so bad my little guy.

So, I try not to unless I really have to. And I try to explain to DH that it’s best not to fight fire with fire. He is starting to understand that as DS gets older.

Not shouting so but but definitely talk in an angry exasperated way. I often wonder how much other people do it. People don't seem to own up if they do.

I shouted at my kids. I shouted when they ignored me and they needed to know I meant business. It worked well. They are now adults and they told me they knew then that it was time to do as told. No trauma!

I think the whole trying to reason using a stupid soft voice tone is utterly ridiculous. Kids don't care at all. And then parents moans that their kids continue the bad behaviour and they are exhausted and feeling disrespected...well...

I state expectations calmly, firmly, respectfully. If they're not met I use my Teacher Voice which is just a very serious tone . I would only shout for emergencies, otherwise they will get used to it and not listen when something is serious. If he's not making the right choice, I explain there will be a consequence and follow through. Kids need to learn there are natural consequences in life. I almost never sound angry. But my kid almost always listens to me. Whereas my husband raises his voice more and DS just tunes him out a lot.

"i don't shout at my kids" is the second biggest lie after "me and my husband have never had a bad word to each other in our 50 years of marriage".. it's bollocks and you all know it 🤣🤣🤣

I sometimes do. I try not to. It's usually when I've asked nicely 40 times.

I don't love shouting, I do think it is not helpful and it is not my preferred parenting method.

But I have definitely shouted!!

Some kids I think are just more frustrating than others. I've very rarely shouted at my youngest who, while I have frustrations with, is on the whole a reasonable, rule following child.

Have shouted much more at my eldest who can ignore requests, calm reasoning, "firm tones" and consequences til the cows come home. Sometimes a "NAME! SHOES NOW!" works where all the others don't.

So I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. By all means try other methods and leave shouting as a last resort, but it sounds like you are trying your best in the moment. And I'd be aware that some of the "oh I just try asking them firmly" advice comes from people with more compliant children!

I rasied my voice to get attention - would clap for the same reason - rarely shouted but would as last resort or when there was serious danger.

I do have a strong firm voice though - and body language that display when I am firmly done with this shit.

I remember being at Chester Zoo, just inside the entrance, and this mum says “if you two don’t behave we’re going home.”

I'd have tried hard to avoid saying that after paying for that reason- but I do remember being very frusrated with DD and mate walking to a girls event - and I did slip up and say well if you do not knock it off we'll go home - would have done it at abosulte push - their mate mocked said I wouldn't both my DD got quiet and said oh she will. So it does pay off if consistant.

My boys are adults now, we were talking about this recently, how they never did as they were told until I shouted at them. No matter how many times, or how nicely I asked them. Now the bloody dogs are the same.

Honestly... i would say that some people do but you wont hear that here!!
Im going to stick my neck out and say that I end up shouting now and again (maybe every few days, when i get overwhelmed, or when ive told lots of times ... consequences don't work with my SEN child... he says himself that he cannot think forward like that, and will just continue regardless, so if he hasnt stopped sth after telling him a few times I end up yelling eg hands off your sister and get in the car). But i doubt most people would admit it online. So you will get a whole load of posters who say they never shout(ed) and their children did as they were told, and lots of advice on how to avoid it. Which everyone should ideally do.
Also my children often say i am shouting at them when I am speaking firmly in a low tone - its the content of what I'm saying (no, i don't care what excuses you have, you must pick up the clothes from your floor now) that they object to more than the tone.

I shout. Its paid off long run, they are now year 3 & year 5 and more obedient than peers from what i see.

Some of these techniques just don't work with multiple young children.

You can't police a 6yo time out with a 1yo in the other room. You also can't push a pushchair and easily hang on to another child whose refusing to walk nicely let alone 2.

You can't just go over to them if their running away and you've got 2 other children on a busy road. If the older 2 are winding each other up in another room and you're changing the 1yos nappy then you have to shout for them to hear you. Eg I had this exact situation this morning- pooey nappy and the other 2 are trying to ride a skateboard down the stairs.

I honestly think some people just have very placid submissive children and don't have a clue. I do sometimes end up shouting at mine- normally for dangerous things rather than out of frustration or anything. But my children seem to find danger constantly. I stick to consequences strictly and have very firm boundaries. We also have rewards for good behaviour which works really well.

Try to think of all the good things, your children will behave better than other children at some things.

I’d disagree that children listen to adults in other settings. It’s clear some children treat instructions from adults as optional suggestions.
I’m a girlguiding leader and some children are shocked when I insist they do what I’ve asked - what on are you doing I’ve told you to tidy up. It’s that how dare you ignore me tone (not shouting)
It’s hard to explain but if you start from young they know compliance is expected. It’s not an optional suggestion to be ignored.
I do accept multiples aren’t as easy in some ways but there’s the advantage of peer pressure.
So if he’s running off and won’t hold buggy you stand there until he does and it’s safe to walk. There’s nothing like seeing your sibling get a treat and you missing out as you weren’t listening. So eg only time for brother to watch his tv show before dinner not your show too as you wasted time.

Yes I shouted at my kids. If I had employed the "gentle approach" they probably would have killed each other 🤣

Also my children often say i am shouting at them when I am speaking firmly in a low tone - its the content of what I'm saying (no, i don't care what excuses you have, you must pick up the clothes from your floor now) that they object to more than the tone.

Yes had that - and sometimes other people like IL.

I remember once on a playground when we needed to get back I was speaking firmly but quietly to DDs (DH was there and confirmed) - and MIL said oh no need to shout typical underming behavior at the time - I looked at her and shouted at DS - across the playground shouting at him to get here now as it was second time being told - and just looked at her again and she shut up. Very next day she was moaning about a parent who couldn't get her kids to leave the park.

So yes sometimes shouting is in the eye of the beholder.

If they don’t do it the first time they hear you they get picked up / object removed / placed wherever. It’s quite effective with the older ones as they want to do it themselves! I think with shouting you just wind yourself up, the children are oblivious. And ultimately they’ve learnt to ignore you the first 10 times you say something. I’ve started saying “I see you’re having trouble listening so I’m going to lift you into the car / bath / put that toy away now”. I hear you, mine don’t do as they’re told or asked either, but it’s miserable getting yourself so frustrated all the time. Good luck!

I prefer not to shout but my DC apparently can't hear the multiple times I ask them do something at reasonable volume. They're really well behaved generally but we'd struggle to get out the door on time without a shout sometimes!

When you tell a child to stop, it’s not that effective. What do you want them to do? Focus on that. Preferably in advance of any conflict. If it’s not to run across a road then the instruction is “Jamie, hold my hand while we walk past this busy road. What do you want to do when we get home?” Chat chat chat distraction distraction.

Of course you’re going to get push back if you constantly are telling them what not to do. I don’t ever remember telling my child don’t do this don’t do that. And it was because they had expectations of what they did have to do.

Don’t get me started on time out.

You can't police a 6yo time out with a 1yo in the other room. You also can't push a pushchair and easily hang on to another child whose refusing to walk nicely let alone 2.

If they didn't hold my hand or pushchairs sometimes could wait them out othertimes the small child got picked up and put on my hip or even put in pushchair and baby in sling. Also used backpack with reins and the other kids helping police behavior ie remind the to hold hand or pushchair.

You do have to adapt and work out what will work with the kids you have - but it's certainly possible because I did it with close togther kids with strong persoanlities.

I never did time out/naughty steps - but if one didn't behave on train or bus we all walked home. If two argued over TV is was shut off and gone for rest of the evening. If they could'lt behave when we sat down to eat if it was pre-order food we would all leave and try in a bit or try something else. I fit was post ordering and paying we'd do something else.

Yes the you must be tired your listening isn’t good and then follow through with a quiet evening/early bed.
It’s not gentle v shouting. There’s a mid ground of firm tone or even a firm look.

I’ve not seen anyone claim to be a perfect parent. I’ve seen many claim not to shout. The two are not conflated. I don’t shout, I’m not perfect, but I don’t shout, ever.

I used to shout, I would start by speaking at their level, so bending down and using age appropriate language to explain why they needed to do something and they often ignored me, by the fourth or fifth attempt of reasoned explanation and still being ignored I would shout. Not proud of it and really think I was not cut out for motherhood but i also think some children are just more biddable and compliant than others. I was on my own too, so often stressed and exhausted and though I know that's not an excuse i think that without another involved and committed adult around it can be more challenging

I wouldn’t say I ever “cracked” parenting, but when mine were small, I went through a period of defaulting to shouting which really made me reflect and recognise how damaging it had been for me growing up in a shouty household. I started communicating very directly with my children, minus the shouting, and found they were suddenly much more attentive to my instructions and responsive. I’m glad I changed course. They’re nearly adults now, and they’re great young people.