Does nobody shout at their children?

[ABD13]

I am a mum of 3 (6,5 & 1) and recently feel like I am shouting a lot at the oldest 2, not screaming but loudly shouting their names or ‘stop it’ when they are just not listening, being dangerous or fighting. I then tend to cycle between guilt and overwhelm. I have tried asking nicely but when I have asked 10+ times to put shoes on the only thing that works is shouting their name. Yesterday my older boy (6) was being dangerous while walking home from school and after asking him to stop multiple times I shouted ‘can you just stop it’ so loud all the other mums turned and looked. Other things I shout are ‘come back here’ or ‘get down’ etc. I seem to be the only one doing it though. I model saying sorry, try and explain impact etc and in general do try and ask nicely many times. In general though they just ignore me. I am not sure what to do to improve behaviour and when I google shouting it seems like I am the only one doing it and I need to be better - but how? Those that have cracked parenting, what is the answer? Sometimes I think mine need more fear of consequence but I obviously don’t want to unfairly upset them. How do I dial back the shouting while maintaining any kind of control? Like I get they are tired as near the end of half term and I try and be understanding but one completely ignoring me doesn’t help for the other 2 when we need to get to school etc.

I used to say that if I said "chocolate" at the volume of a mouse with a sore throt they would respond at once but if i said "you need to put your shoes on so we can get out of the house" in clear and firm tones they would appear to have developed a hearing problem

Mate, just because you can’t comprehend a house where people don’t communicate through shouting it doesn’t mean no-one else does. I didn’t grow up in a house where anyone shouted and my children don’t either. I literally have never shouted at them. Apart from shouting up the stairs ‘dinner’ so they can hear me.

Also something that works with my kids is calling them their full government names. I wasn’t going to bother with middle names but my mum said oh no it’s way better for when you’re telling them off so I went with it… she was so right about that.

It was literally meant in jest! But ok hun! 😚

The thing I have realised about parenting is that there are very few absolute rules. I have a few basic things I never do (hitting them, name-calling, sarcasm etc). Beyond that, my approach varies with the age and the child.

You will be resorting to shouting because you're knackered and don't have the inner resources to be calm and patient. And because you've got 3. Don't worry about it unless you're properly screaming at them on a daily basis.

Over time, you can try to ask less and impose punishments consequences earlier. Tanya Byron says if you have a cast iron rule that if you have to ask more than twice there is a consequence, you are more likely to have kids that listen. But it takes ages for this to sink in. I mean years for some kids. So don't expect that if you're firm and consistent you'll have immediately well-behaved children.

So they say they don't care @ABD13 - do you actually follow it through if they say this? You giving a consequence, them saying they're not bothered about that do you still remove TV time/treat etc? Or do you take them at their word and just leave it because you think they aren't fussed?

I'm a shouter, I draw the line at swearing. My relative has no fear of telling her children to 'shut the fuck up' which is a hard no for me.

If ive said 'put your shoes on' 15 times and no shoes are on any feet, I will shout it. And it often works.

Non shouting parents clearly have won the kid lottery.

My child was pitching a fit in public and I jokingly said 'when do they grow out of this' to which my BIL cuntishly responded 'Mine never did because they just behaved all the time'

I really wanted to punch him right between the eyes. I didnt, but I daydreamed about it.

Important to remember too that no one approach works forever. I have a spirited 10 year old who until recently was pretty responsive to a count to 3. If I got to 3 and he hadn't stopped whatever he was meant to stop, I removed 10 minutes of TV time. That stopped working. He was behaving terribly, losing all TV time every day and I was despairing. I've pivoted to grown up chats about behaviour and considering peoples' feelings which is actually working better.

if it’s more shouting to catch their attention than actually shouting in an abusive, hostile or aggressive way then I wouldn’t worry too much. I find talking in a firm tone that’s actually lower/quieter than usual is more effective and a clear signal that I mean business. But there will be times that won’t work, like if they are being particularly noisy or you’re a distance away.

Christ almighty shouting is the only thing I have left and I’m not going to apologise for it

Read the book '123 Magic' (or at least the section about using counting and consequences to stop undesirable behaviour). It revolutionised my parenting and is a very easy technique to implement, and it works, as long as you use it correctly. It eliminates the need for shouting a lot of the time (although we're all still human and get frustrated, but I do it a lot less now.) The psychology behind it is explained and makes a lot of sense - young children don't always have the ability to understand explanations and logic and negotiations, so you just have to train them that certain kinds of behaviour lead to certain consequences. You can explain things, but in the moment that the undesirable behaviour is happening, you just need it to stop. This technique works, and doesn't punish but just 'resets' them if they don't stop after 2. Once they've learnt that you mean business and will implement a consequence if they get to 3, they'll rarely get to 3 and you'll be able to nip undesirable behaviour in the bud without shouting most of the time.

Too many parents ask then get annoyed when their child chooses the opposite of what the parent has just asked them to do. If you need them to tidy, tell don't ask , if you need them to listen tell them don't ask. But to be fair if they still don't do as they are asked and you are at the end of your tether then shout, it won't kill them.

Yes, I have been working on my "louder and clearly cross" voice.

It's not a shout, more of a change of tone, slight increase in volume and shorter, more abrupt in language.

I've only really used it when any sort of bad behaviour is (rarely) directed at the cat. For rough behaviour with me, I've leaned more on hurt, disappointed, upset.

I'd probably only actually shout if he put himself or a friend in real danger.

By the time I’d gotten to the end of “hold my hand while we walk past this road” mine would already be in the road.

I don’t have the luxury of big long chats about how or why we should do things, or what behaviour is preferred etc etc.

“Stop” is one word, not 9, and can only ever mean one thing.

I do only ever use it for dangerous situations or escalated behaviour. But getting rid of it altogether would have by now lead to my kid being flattened by a bus.

Mine are now all adult. Five kids in seven years - you bet I shouted. They outnumbered me and had the 'group misbehaviour' down to a tee. One would listen to reason, while the rest rioted. A good shout would let them know that, yep, I REALLY meant it.

They've all grown up absolutely fine. They don't hate me, they are perfectly well behaved and don't spend all their time yelling at their partners.

Just like most other kinds of parenting, I think it hugely depends on the type of children you get. Some will listen, some will not. Some will take you talking to them calmly as a sign of weakness. I had the latter.

Exactly this, I have a “you’re overstepping” voice that my kid could recognise from the moon. It’s in the tone, rather than the volume.

I taught for a while, and I remember during my teacher training the deputy head observing me said “those who are best at it don’t need to raise their voice to manage behaviour,” and it’s stayed with me ever since.

I rely a lot on tone, language and hand gestures. But none of that is heightened angry yelling.

I absolutely do lose my rag and shout at him, but usually only when it’s dangerous or persistent shitty choices.

I shout at the telly,
(but it just ignores me) 😡

Interesting and so simple, I think we’ve lost this type of parenting style. From what age would you say it became effective? I have a 22 month old who never listens or follows instruction, in fact she seems to get joy from doing the opposite of what we tell her. I think we need to be more firm from now tbh.

Yes I remove the treat - they don’t have much TV anyway but it would be no Friday night film or no ice cream after school. Tricky to stop things like the park if one is misbehaving as that punishes the other one unfairly. They don’t have iPads and don’t have favourite toys. They do a lot of extracurricular activities they enjoy but that seems unfair to stop that plus paying for them.

It’s shouting for attention as my firm voice doesn’t work. I never swear, belittle or am abusive to them, that would be an absolute no.

OP I'm sorry that you've found yourself becoming the type of parent you don't want to be. It takes practice and I didn't always get it right but I learned a lot from free parenting classes through the local council and taking the elements from my own mams parenting style that I liked and analyzing what I didn't and working out what to do differently.

I decided early on that I didn't want to be a"shouty" mam. We often had discussions from the earliest ages about respecting each other, about how it was to have rules and expectations to keep everyone safe and happy. We were "lucky?" that they had a friend with a shouty dad so we sometimes discussed how that must feel on both sides.

Shouty dad's 9 year old once explained to me that when dad asked them to do something, they knew they didn't have to do it until he shouted, so it seemed that they viewed his asking and repeating as a countdown to the shout which meant the countdown was over. Dad did not see it like that. He felt the children didn't listen to him until he shouted in frustration.

My children and I had an understanding that I would only raise my voice if there was immediate danger and, luckily, the couple of times that I had to, they instantly froze and listened.

Look for some free parenting classes in your area. Are you still seeing a health visitor or similar for your little one? They may be able to make a referral. When things are calm, chat to your older two about how they feel when you shout, let them know in an age appropriate way how it makes you feel. Discuss what you and they can do to work on avoiding shouting and punishments and keeping everyone happier.

Agree achievable targets together with a small reward at the end. Eg: "If we get home from the school run with everyone listening nicely today we can sit and watch an episode of your favorite cartoon together after tea." Act as though you're really looking forward to it. If they don't achieve it, act disappointed about missing out and suggest they try again tomorrow because you'd really like to watch it with them.

Give notice that an activity is ending in 5 minutes, then 2 minutes, etc.

Instead of saying "stop/don't," say what you want them to do. "Walk sensibly beside me please" is a clearer more positive instruction than "stop messing/don't do that".

You can still get back on track. Good luck.

It sound like they have got in the habit of ignoring you, knowing there will be no consequences. You need to give their behaviour a consequence. Try a sticker chart. If they walk home nicely they get a sticker. Five stickers makes a reward - toy, cake, trip to cinema. Bad behaviour no sticker. Very bad behaviour no sticker and punishment such as no to or screen ban or whatever they especially like. Or tell them when you leave school if they are very good on the way home we’ll make a chocolate cake when we get in. If they play up no cake. Next day same thing no cake. I bet on day three they get the cake.

I do count but I don’t find there any any consequences that would stop the behaviour happening again if you know what I mean? Like I get to 3 then I have to impose a consequence like no TV but that’s like they have won as they don’t seem phased by it.

I can’t say I’ve never done it, but, I’m a teacher and I don’t shout at work.

Obviously my own children know how to push my buttons, but I also found I was being so patient with everyone else’s children, that I was less patient with my own.

Once I really thought about this, I was able to pretty much stop shouting at home very quickly. It was a bit of a wake up call for me that if I could do it for all those other kids, I should be able to do it for my own.

They have a star chart but that doesn’t stop some behaviour - it’s more when they want to ignore they will