Does nobody shout at their children?

[ABD13]

I am a mum of 3 (6,5 & 1) and recently feel like I am shouting a lot at the oldest 2, not screaming but loudly shouting their names or ‘stop it’ when they are just not listening, being dangerous or fighting. I then tend to cycle between guilt and overwhelm. I have tried asking nicely but when I have asked 10+ times to put shoes on the only thing that works is shouting their name. Yesterday my older boy (6) was being dangerous while walking home from school and after asking him to stop multiple times I shouted ‘can you just stop it’ so loud all the other mums turned and looked. Other things I shout are ‘come back here’ or ‘get down’ etc. I seem to be the only one doing it though. I model saying sorry, try and explain impact etc and in general do try and ask nicely many times. In general though they just ignore me. I am not sure what to do to improve behaviour and when I google shouting it seems like I am the only one doing it and I need to be better - but how? Those that have cracked parenting, what is the answer? Sometimes I think mine need more fear of consequence but I obviously don’t want to unfairly upset them. How do I dial back the shouting while maintaining any kind of control? Like I get they are tired as near the end of half term and I try and be understanding but one completely ignoring me doesn’t help for the other 2 when we need to get to school etc.

That’s always been the way and it can be so frustrating. When I was a kid I remember even our dog would take notice of my dad and no one else 😁

I'm a shouter, but I would like to add I have asked nicely and politely at least 3 times before I resort to shouting.

Some kids just don't listen unless you shout!

This is genuinely helpful. Lots of other posts are just saying ooh I’d never shout, that’s poor parenting. You’ve given practical tips. Thank you.

OP, one thing I’ve learned is when put in public if my two don’t stop sillly behaviour eg play fighting in the street on our way somewhere I stop dead and say I’m not moving til it stops. It’s annoying for me as I just want to bloody well get home but actually it’s way more effective than shouting at them
to stop. The walk may take a teeny bit longer for a second but the silly behaviour stops. I am guilty of shouting too much for sure but as many pp’s say, it’s often not actually very effective

If I shout (like I did this morning) it means I've lost control for whatever reason. This morning I was tired and I'd slept badly but I shouldn't have shouted. After I'd calmed down and got dressed I apologised and gave them a hug.

They don't always listen, and when they don't there are constantly - I'm a big fan of more natural consequences so do those where practical. One of my kids is practically a saint, with the exception of following instructions but that's due to an executive dysfunction issue and I have to change how I approach him to take it in to consideration (instruction's are given singularly or written down, timers are set and distractions minimised). The other is the exact opposite, can follow a long set of instruments, if it suits her. She responds well to being taken out the house in clothes she doesn't want people to see her in (because she's chosen not to get dressed properly) or eating cold dinner because she hasn't come down when called and we've all eaten (these are examples).

I don't like shouting and I don't find it helps. Some kids it might though and you need to find what works for yours.

I think more parents shout at their children than are prepared to admit. I have shouted at my now teenagers a few times. Not shrieking or yelling, but definitely louder than necessary. It has been born out of my own frustration, which I fully recognise. DS1 is a big softie and even using a firm tone with him feels like kicking a puppy. He is very sweet natured, but his ADHD means that he often doesn’t do stuff that needs to be done, or is late, disorganised etc. I know he has his struggles, but I still find myself getting very frustrated with him and it’s a monumental effort for me not to shout ‘Hurry the fuck up!’ I have never said this to him by the way. His brother is much more defiant and challenging, but he now has OCD and I have learned to be extra patient and calm with him, even when it feels as though he is trying to control all of our lives (I know he isn’t.) Shouting at him, or even sounding annoyed, produces the opposite result to what is needed and I end up a complete mess of guilt and anxiety. His condition has helped me to understand the benefits of taking a step back before I decide how to react.

This.

Although perhaps I'll just claim this is my authoritative voice and not really shouting!

I guess there is a level above as I had to shout at one of mine as she was about to step into the road and hadn't seen a car. I scared myself slightly!

But realistically, I don't believe anyone with three kids doesn't have to shout sometimes.

As for time out, while you don't necessarily have to physically restrain them, wirh toddlers i did need to physically return them to where they should be.

Similarly in dangerous situations like along busy roads I've held hands against their will because safety overrides everything in that situation.

Some people on here perhaps do have children who always do things on the first ask and stop winding up their brother the second they are asked gently to do so but in real life, I've not met that many.

I'm a shouter, from shouter parents.
I'll get flamed for this but it's fine occasionally, we are too soft on kids these days.

My children generally responded to my firm tone of voice and the threat of consequences! ie cancelling a fun activity. Appreciate that not all children are the same.
Yes I did shout occasionally and made no apologies.

Ha..not really. I think its just the families I've heard this week. Very deadpan, no emotion or intonation and just repeating the same thing pointlessly. Its wierd.

Dead behind the eyes?

I only feel alive when shouting at little people who depend on me

Alternatively, if you believe shouting is the only form of communication, you may be hugely misunderstanding aggression/main character behaviour for confidence

or you could be stone-cold deaf 😆

Agree with PP that going from two to three has resulted in more shouting sadly. Often you're tied up doing something with the baby, but you need the older ones to do something (or stop doing something) and they don't listen and know you're not going to make them do whatever because you're currently changing a nappy or feeding etc.

I've had to shout to stop my middle child running out into the road after school numerous times. It's very embarrassing! Couldn't hold his hand because I was pushing the pram (it's hard to control it with one hand as the pavement is annoyingly slopey outside school!). I've had to stop taking the pram and start taking baby in the carrier, which solves one problem but creates another when they have a lot of stuff to carry home and can't put it under the pram.

I always find every parenting problem is worse when I am not well prepared, so I try and set myself and the kids up for success as much as possible. For example, I need them to go upstairs and brush their teeth after breakfast and then put their school uniform on, whilst I quickly tidy up the breakfast things and change the baby's nappy. So before we go downstairs for breakfast I make sure their uniform is laid out and the toothbrushes have toothpaste on and are on the edge of the bath (they can't reach the shelf they live on). I also have realised there are some things I just can't do with all three ATM (e.g. walk to and from the park, as middle one wants a carry on the way home up the hill!). So I drive down. Seems lazy, but it's essential for everyone's safety and sanity!

Same.

I'm assuming you mean the constant stream of, "Dylan. Don't do that... Dylan. Stop it... Dylan... Dylan, I've told you to stop doing that..." whilst Dylan carries on and so it continues whilst they barely look up from their phones?

Because, if so, thats not 'calm' that's disinterested.

I try extremely hard not to shout. I have, a handful of times, but I'm not proud of it. It isn't an effective way to parent, and I don't have any wish to frighten my dc.

When mine were younger I do remember shouting sometimes if they just weren't listening. As they grew older it wasn't needed. We've got a good relationship and never had behaviour problems. (Now 19 and 22.) I guess it was the ultimate deterrent. I didnt do other punishments. Never had issues with them being rude to teachers or refusing to do as they were told at school which seems to be a problem with some kids nowadays.

No I have never been a shouter. I find it’s one of the least effective ways to get through to someone and just makes you look weak.

I had one compliant child and one whose slippery eel like wrist needed holding at all times or she'd disppear and who took obstinance and contrariness to another level.

I did raise my voice more often to get her attention but I didn't shout or shout at her because it would have been pointless. Firstly, she would just have become more defiant and secondly it would have made everyone miserable.

I had to find other strategies.

What about the neighbours? They don't want to hear shouting.

I could lend you my husband, when he shouts the whole neighbourhood stops what they are doing and sits quietly! He has the loudest deepest voice, rarely shouts and is extremely loving but if something or someone tests him, boy oh boy can he shout! He has never ever shouted at me but occasionally at the kids if they have been playing or arguing too annoyingly, or about to do something dangerous or a totally absurd tantrum when they were little. Normally it is at the dog! You know they say never shout at a barking dog because the dog just thinks you are joining in the barking, well the dog sure shuts up when my husband shouts!

(Don't worry - the dog is very loved and adored and she actually loves my husband more than anyone, possibly because he sets clear boundaries, no-one and no animal is being abused in our household!)

So OP you are not totally alone in shouting.

The trouble with threads like this is what one person's idea of shouting is might be very different to anothers. Also, what might upset and scare one child genuinely might be water off a duck's back to another. When with a friend recently, I frustratedly told my daughter that if she didn't stop playing with her food I'd just take it away, and friend was absolutely shocked because her DD would have been in tears had the same interaction taken place between them. No voice raise, nothing more than those words in a slightly frustrated tone. I was baffled.

I think sometimes we all get caught up these days in trying to be the perfect parent and to handle every situation in the 'correct way' that we forget that the most important thing to provide your child with is an unbreakable connection that can withstand meltdowns and shouting and poor behaviour and mistakes (on both parts). We do our children no good by neglecting our own honest emotions and reactions in order to be 'good'. Not that that means losing your temper or being aggressive or scaring children is ok of course, but still- it can go a bit far the other way sometimes can't it.

Yes, thats the one. And it is quite sad to hear because its so detached. I think there is a very big difference in shouting at children in real horrible anger and shouting to get their attention. The latter is understandable and forgivable.

Yes you need a this is your serious mother voice, mine recognised the change in tone and took notice, you can't use it too often though or it looses it's power. Mind you I'm not sure shouting is worse the serious mother was probably as scary as shouting it certainly got their attention. I guess I was pretty easy going most of the time so it was a bit of a jolt when I got serious.

I've definitely shouted STOP IT multiple times at mine if someone getting hurt is imminent.
Or shouted their name if asking politely to put shoes on or whatever has elicited no response.

I don't think I've ever shouted at anyone.

I try not to shout, but I have as a last resort, my DD is ND and don't allways understand how dangerous something is, so when I shout it more like an Emergency stop. Things like swinging from the top of a stair case, about to hurt her sister without realising it, running on the road ect, she is very impulsive and wont allways listen when in that frame of mind DD is 11 so getting physically bigger now too.
I offen read things like this and feel bad, as all the advice from consequences, telling them the why, ect We have done, she knows the rules but her impulsive takes over.
As someone said to me you parent the child in front of you, and you learn what works.

Obviously I've seen some parents who main communication method is shouting, and their children are almost switched off from there's extremes both sides.