Does nobody shout at their children?

[ABD13]

I am a mum of 3 (6,5 & 1) and recently feel like I am shouting a lot at the oldest 2, not screaming but loudly shouting their names or ‘stop it’ when they are just not listening, being dangerous or fighting. I then tend to cycle between guilt and overwhelm. I have tried asking nicely but when I have asked 10+ times to put shoes on the only thing that works is shouting their name. Yesterday my older boy (6) was being dangerous while walking home from school and after asking him to stop multiple times I shouted ‘can you just stop it’ so loud all the other mums turned and looked. Other things I shout are ‘come back here’ or ‘get down’ etc. I seem to be the only one doing it though. I model saying sorry, try and explain impact etc and in general do try and ask nicely many times. In general though they just ignore me. I am not sure what to do to improve behaviour and when I google shouting it seems like I am the only one doing it and I need to be better - but how? Those that have cracked parenting, what is the answer? Sometimes I think mine need more fear of consequence but I obviously don’t want to unfairly upset them. How do I dial back the shouting while maintaining any kind of control? Like I get they are tired as near the end of half term and I try and be understanding but one completely ignoring me doesn’t help for the other 2 when we need to get to school etc.

I think the top and bottom of it is not negotiating where there’s no negotiation to be had.

Don’t ask questions. “Will you stop that?” Has the potential of saying “no.” The same way I don’t say “shall we run your bath?” I say “it is bathtime.”

Kidology 😂

I don’t agree with shouting. If you reach that point you are overwhelmed and are behaving similarly to the children you are attempting to discipline. I tend to give a warning with a potential consequence if they continue the consequence happens.
But mine are older so easier to reason with. When they were toddlers I got overwhelmed a lot. What worked for me was doing a silly voice it’s hard to shout with a silly voice . The only time the little person you would give up you life for needs to feel frightened by you is of their life is in imminent danger and you need them to stop

I shout at the kids. I think when you're outnumbered sometimes it's just the way it is.

I use it pretty sparingly, usually to snap them out of doing something incredibly stupid or dangerous and it works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just shouting all the time doesn't work, they just get used to it.

What consequences are people using when the children are told to do something and just ignore you? So that next time you authoritatively say it they listen?

I’ve raised my voice firmly at my children when they were growing up but I’ve never had a shouting match with them. I have a friend who raised her kids with a lot of shouting matches and it was very uncomfortable to witness, as it wasn’t my style of parenting at all.

You remove something important to them or remove them from the situation. Not a thing that is happening in the future, something that is happening now

What kind of consequence because a lot of the time if I give one they say they dont care (like no TV, no treat etc)

I often hear people shouting at their children in public places. Usually to stop them running off somewhere.

I am not a shouter! I am a bloody Irish roaring mummy. It has served me well tbh. I have one 90% cooked child that has turned out well. Other teen is only 50% cooked and doing ok. I can’t stand this gentle parenting shite. It’s ruining the kids. So shout on Mama bear.

This is mostly my approach too.

And strongly agree with only giving consequences that you will actually follow through on. No point in arriving at Alton Towers, paying the massive entrance fee and then threatening to leave. Because you won't. But something like removing choice from that child to decide which ride is first, standing with mum and dad while the others go on a ride or not getting to choose a toy are all impactful consequences that are realistic.

I have a friend who has two children very very close in age and she is forever threatening pointless consequences and then wonders why they spend half their lives in meltdown mode issuing threats and shouting. (Neither child is ND).

I definitely believe in the saying "gentle parenting only works on gentle children."

I've been a primary school teacher for almost 20 years, and am pretty no-nonsense. I'm the same with my own 2 children. When I say stop, or no, I mean it. And I'm 100% immune to tantrums, which does help, I have to say!

I think the problem is the shout is my ‘firm voice’ because if I say something I think is authoritative they just ignore but if their dad or someone said it firmly they would listen

😂😂😂

Of course OP, did you not think about talking to them first?

I remove the activity, his preferred thing (like his iPad) and if all else fails - myself.

If he’s ignoring instructions or shouting, particularly at home, I will say “I don’t spend time with shouty children” and walk away from him.

If he’s demanding things, I ignore him until he asks properly.

If I’ve told him to put his coat on, and he hasn’t, literally nothing else happens until it’s on, including saying anything else apart from “coat.” He gets bored before I do.

Find that thing they do care about, there must be something, and take that off them.

Yep!

I remember being at Chester Zoo, just inside the entrance, and this mum says “if you two don’t behave we’re going home.”

You’re not, are you, you’ve just paid £100 to get in.

Kids aren’t daft, they know that.

Thank you. Made me laugh!

Oh and the firm voice and "the look" are a thing of beauty once you get it but I don't know how to build up to it. I just found a way that it worked one day. Handy for restaurants etc. Sometimes hard to do it without laughing though depending on the situation.

Yes, loads do. Shouting is about frustration. Is it good? No. Is it human? Yes.

You have to be really clear and consistent with rules and boundaries. Explain to the eldest particularly that you expect them to do as they are asked first time: ‘please walk next to the pushchair, not in front’.
Try and nip things in bud. If you let things gradually escalate and let it go, it is harder to get compliance when you need it.
Talk about rules at calm timesheet there are no issues as they are more likely to listen. ‘ I need you to walk to the side of the pushchair so you don’t get hurt’ etc. ‘I don’t want to shout so please listen and do as I ask’. Once you’re in the moment, it’s too late.
Make sure you praise and reinforce the good behaviour ( but don’t bribe with too many rewards). It’s tough but worth it - you need to do the groundwork now before anyone hits their teens.

I hardly ever shout, so if and when I do it has impact. The more you shout the more they will zone it out.
For things like getting up from the naughty step, I guide them back. Over and over again. Bloody boring but they know I won’t back down. I also don’t negotiate. If I’ve asked them to get down (for example) and they don’t I just stand there staring at them. Silent until they feel uncomfortable enough they get down.
Sometimes I’ll say ‘is anyone else behaving like this’ or ‘is anyone else’s mummy getting cross’ I draw their attention to better behaved children. Trying to shame them a little.
Consistency is the key. And showing them you are the boss. Allow them an inch and they’ll take the absolute piss! It’s hard though.

What about the walking in front of the buggy thing though that OP mentioned? What are you taking away? iPad later?

I used to count to 10. I dont know what they thought i was going to do because it's not like I ever hit them or even yelled at them.
But whatever it is they thought would happen if I got to 10 was clearly enough. I lived in fear of getting to ten because I had absolutely nothing. I guess i was a scary counter 🤣

Don’t worry OP. When children don’t listen, sometimes it’s necessary to raise your voice.
Shouting all the time, or shouting mean things is what is problematic. I personally tried not to shout in public as that is just generally not appropriate except in an emergency.

I think shouting is acceptable if there is a legitimate safety concern (e.g. child is running towards a busy road). But I find that parents shouting is often disproportionate and more irritating than their children’s misbehaviour. We have neighbours with feral kids but it’s the mother’s constant yelling/screeching that drives me up the wall more than anything!

Either his ability to walk independently - hold my hand or I’m picking you up.

Or, consequence at home that you make sure happens as soon as you walk in the door.