Does nobody shout at their children?

[ABD13]

I am a mum of 3 (6,5 & 1) and recently feel like I am shouting a lot at the oldest 2, not screaming but loudly shouting their names or ‘stop it’ when they are just not listening, being dangerous or fighting. I then tend to cycle between guilt and overwhelm. I have tried asking nicely but when I have asked 10+ times to put shoes on the only thing that works is shouting their name. Yesterday my older boy (6) was being dangerous while walking home from school and after asking him to stop multiple times I shouted ‘can you just stop it’ so loud all the other mums turned and looked. Other things I shout are ‘come back here’ or ‘get down’ etc. I seem to be the only one doing it though. I model saying sorry, try and explain impact etc and in general do try and ask nicely many times. In general though they just ignore me. I am not sure what to do to improve behaviour and when I google shouting it seems like I am the only one doing it and I need to be better - but how? Those that have cracked parenting, what is the answer? Sometimes I think mine need more fear of consequence but I obviously don’t want to unfairly upset them. How do I dial back the shouting while maintaining any kind of control? Like I get they are tired as near the end of half term and I try and be understanding but one completely ignoring me doesn’t help for the other 2 when we need to get to school etc.

I try very hard not to shout tbh, only if there is a safety concern.
I don’t shout because I don’t like being shouted at and tell my 13 year old so if he shouts at me (rarely, because he knows I hate it). I wouldn’t like it if my DH shouted at me, so why would I shout at any of them?
Edited to say mine are older though. 13, 11, 7. When they were small, obviously there were a few occasions I lost my rag.

I can be a shouter. Depends if I’ve already asked 7382783 times for them to do it. Sometimes they need a rocket up their backsides.

You counted to TEN!?

We got 3, you’re generous 😂

Shouting is fine as you've already tried several times nicely. But they will get used to it - so using it sparingly has more of a shock impact. We all knew when mum was serious because her voice hit a certain pitch and we knew we were in trouble - something we still remember fondly today!

Try rewards? If you guys walk home sensibly, you can have 20 mins at the park for fun (and to let out all their energy), or another reward they love to do. Or... threaten to buy and make them wear reins because they can't be trusted to be sensible by a road - that may work too, in front of their school mates!

I shout and I tell them to shut up when they are driving me crazy with noise and chaos. I also apologise and am very loving. I’m a very imperfect but loving parent.

It’s not, it’s consequences. Mine got their hand grabbed and were hauled to where I wanted them, and a firm telling off. Occasionally I shouted. Nice, calm words often did not work on DS2 in particular.

I was a kid in the 70s - we were smacked.

No I’ve never had to shout and my dd is 15. She’s mostly always listened and on the rare occasions she hasn’t a firm voice or look did it.

So firstly I try to foresee issues, if you can see they are getting wound up, separate them or offer a snack/something to distract them. I tend to have a plan of the day rather than free style (I was a nursery nurse for many years)
With my son he’s allowed an hour on his switch a day so if he’s misbehaving I will say stop that now or you will lose ten minutes of switch. Ten minutes works well because if he lost all of it he had no incentive to behave but ten minutes when you only get an hour seems massive. I’d also give him the opportunity to earn back his lost time once he had calmed down by doing a chore so technically the chore was the punishment but it’s sold as a reward. I would do time outs if he was melting down (he’s autistic so can get overwhelmed easily) but I would stay with him and we would do some breathing, or cuddle a teddy / have a drink. So time out wasn’t a consequence more of a reflection /calming time. Ds would not stay in time out either. But if they can a sand timer could help so they know when to get up.

I do have three children but my hardest one (ds) is several years younger than the other two. It’s a hell of a lot easier to do what I’ve described with one child. I’m not saying it’s easy or I have it nailed just explaining what worked for me.

I think you’ve got in a pickle by not being firm when younger.
So you’d enforce them walking holding buggy from being 2. Then let them walk beside it as they get to school age but any running off they have to hold on.
One warning - if you can’t walk sensibly you you will need to hold buggy.
Disobeying would have not been tolerated. It’s that stern don’t you dare disobey tone.
You’ve got in a cycle of you asking repeatedly and them ignoring you.
I’d have consequences for not following instructions. So no tv or biscuit after school. Give the children that behaved your attention.
Speak to him calmly later about how it’s important he follows your instructions as it’s for safety. Pep talks before set off reminding of behaviour expectations.
Follow through. If you carry on doing x doing x we’ll go home from park and go if need be.

On holiday at the moment and enjoying lots of people watching. There are families that shout at their children, families that discipline and then those that calmly talk. The calm talking comes across as a bit dead behind the eyes to me. Seems like they gave up. I definitely prefer the shouty families except when its micromanaging every behaviour in which case its called bullying.

Maybe that was the secret to my success.
Gave it a huge build up.
None of this 2, 2 and a half, two and 3/4 stuff. 😁

I don't shout in general unless there is a safety concern (but am no means a perfect parent!)

My oldest I don't think I have ever needed to tell off. The youngest is only 2 but I have had to raise my voice - for example touching the oven etc.

The middle is absolutely feral. She doesn't respond to shouting so for my own sanity stopped that a long time ago 😂

sadly OP you will mostly get answers from parents of naturally compliant children, You're right, if a child doesn't want to hold your hand they will find a way not to. Consequences don't work for one of my children as he doesn't really care about anything and I can't lock him in his room. And when it's something like walking home, there is nothing you can remove and a consequence in the future doesn't work on small children. if I was to put him in time out/ naughty step/ whatever, I'd have to physically restrain him to get him to stay or to come back. I have to use rewards rather than consequences (hold the buggy for ten seconds and you can have a chocolate button) or make a game out of it (whoever holds the buggy for the longest gets to choose wat's for dinner). Another of my children can't bear to do anything wrong or make anyone cross so has never put me in that situation. Parenting multiple children is a tough gig.

Sorry if I've missed it but do you explain to your kids why you need them to do something? Like " you need to stop walking in front of the pram because I will catch your heels and then it'll hurt you, walk at the side of me so we are all safe instead". Most of the time it works if they understand the 'why' instead of just the 'do' but also, if he doesn't stop walking in front of the pram and you do catch his ankles then so be it

I think often parents don’t actually explain to kids why they can’t do something. If you treat them as actual humans they’re more likely to respond as decent ones. Explain why something is dangerous or upsetting or whatever. Have conversations. If a manager at work just shouted at you instead of explaining where you were going wrong would you respond well?

Shouting creates such a conflict in me.

On the one hand I don't like the cortisol it creates in the shouter or shoutee, how it looks to others, the way it feels damaging to long term relationship health. I want to avoid it because I want a good relationship with my kids and spouse. Also I wouldn't want people shouting at me so I need to keep a lid on my own temper. Finally when I think of times people have shouted at me, I have definitely lost respect for them. Its not a good look for someone who is meant to be an authority figure. All this does motivate me not to do it.

On the other hand sometimes I've used so much energy trying other things (a quiet word, consequences etc) unsuccessfully and end up feeling totally stacked. I have a real temper, which I've worked hard to keep in check, but every now and again it rears its head and in those moments releasing volume can be satisfying. It also gets results, swiftly. Even though I know it works because it's creating fear which I really don't want. Definitely means some days it's hard to avoid the method which feels easier and more effective than anything else. Especially when I'm tired, hormonal, emotional etc.

In a perfect world I'd never do it. Alas I'm not perfect.

A phrase I've found helpful is 'if I have to ask again it'll be a shout'. Seems to tell the kids you're at your wits end so they do actually listen, but also if they don't listen then they had a warning that the eruption was coming!

I do shout but only after a few attempts at asking nicely so it's not like it's a surprise. Or if DC are being unsafe. I always explain afterwards why I felt I had to shout (and I'll apologise if needed because I overreacted). Agree with pp that if you do it too much it loses effect so I try not to shout if possible. My DC are not great listeners though and are not naturally compliant children.

DS1 is autistic and unfortunately a raised voice is one of the only social cues he'll pick up on that people are getting frustrated by his behaviour or lack of listening. Anything more subtle is lost on him. He also doesn't seem to care about consequences (or maybe we haven't found the right one yet).

I try to shout as last case scenario. I call it "eighties mum" coming out. I do feel guilty about it though.

I think they just learn to ignore us over time. My kids are perfectly able to listen to their school/nursery teachers, but it's like the sound of our voices to straight over their head.

I think it depends on the circumstances. Shouting at them because of you've asked them calmly and firmly to do or not do something 10 times already, and they're completely ignoring you, is pretty normal in my opinion. If anything it reminds them of your existence.

If you're shouting because you are stressed, tired, or just had a bad day, that's when it becomes problematic. My husband does that sometimes, and I remind him that his feelings have nothing to do with them.

I shouted, occasionally and don't feel bad about it. I explained what they were doing wrong and what they should be doing but I never apologised for that. If they'd have kicked off whilst we were out (which thankfully wasn't an issue) and ignored me, yes I would have physically removed them. Otherwise, I'm not sure what the alternative would have been? Pleading with them in a supermarket aisle to "behave for Mummy" whilst they carried on regardless?

I agree with others that OP needs to work on the consequences consistently. Keep putting them back on the time out if they move. Ignore them saying 'they don't care about consequences" and keep doing them anyway. At the moment it seems OP's DC know they rule the roost and there needs to be a shift in the status quo otherwise they'll be 3 disobedient teenagers.

I aim not to shout, but in the real world, it sometimes happens.
I think a lot of the people who claim to be perfect parents on here have selective memories.

Its the personality of the kid too. Some kids have to find out things for themselves to understand it, they cant be explained to.

I shout sometimes and feel no guilt about it. 3 boys can make so much noise, they don't always here a firm request. You need consistent consequences to follow through with though - screen time bans in our house.

They can find out natural consequences without being shouted at. You can still explain to them and then if they do it anyway, so be it.