Does nobody shout at their children?

[ABD13]

I am a mum of 3 (6,5 & 1) and recently feel like I am shouting a lot at the oldest 2, not screaming but loudly shouting their names or ‘stop it’ when they are just not listening, being dangerous or fighting. I then tend to cycle between guilt and overwhelm. I have tried asking nicely but when I have asked 10+ times to put shoes on the only thing that works is shouting their name. Yesterday my older boy (6) was being dangerous while walking home from school and after asking him to stop multiple times I shouted ‘can you just stop it’ so loud all the other mums turned and looked. Other things I shout are ‘come back here’ or ‘get down’ etc. I seem to be the only one doing it though. I model saying sorry, try and explain impact etc and in general do try and ask nicely many times. In general though they just ignore me. I am not sure what to do to improve behaviour and when I google shouting it seems like I am the only one doing it and I need to be better - but how? Those that have cracked parenting, what is the answer? Sometimes I think mine need more fear of consequence but I obviously don’t want to unfairly upset them. How do I dial back the shouting while maintaining any kind of control? Like I get they are tired as near the end of half term and I try and be understanding but one completely ignoring me doesn’t help for the other 2 when we need to get to school etc.

I don't shout at my kids because I don't need to. We agree rules and boundaries/I explain them, in advance of anything or as general house rules. I also have a firm voice and then on the occasional tines they don't respond I physically deal with it (e.g. if you won't walk sensibly, you'll have to hold my hand - then I take their hand or if you can't play with that toy appropriately, I'll look after it for now). I had a shouty parent and it always felt out of control or like we walked on eggshells, so I was determined not to do it. That was me though, kids are all different and maybe it works for you. If you don't like it, research other ways to manage behaviour- parenting is a skill, we aren't born knowing it, so it's worth reading up on techniques you prefer.

As a nanny I would have asked him nicely the first time to walk beside you, not in front of the buggy. The second time would have been much sterner. I would have stopped the pram and said 'X, I told you you need to stop walking in front of me, it's dangerous. Come here, You need to walk next to the pram.' And waited until he was next to the pram before continuing to walk. That bit was the stick, and then they'd get the carrot of a game as you walk along - everyone choosing a car make/colour that they're going to keep an eye out for on the way home, or playing a word game like 20 questions, something like that. Chances are that would have been fun and engaging enough to keep him next to you, but if not, I'd come down on him harder. Stop the pram, go to him, make hard eye contact and say in a serious voice with a face to match. 'X, I've warned you twice to stop walking in front of the pram. ENOUGH now. It seems you can't walk sensibly so you will need to hold my hand (or side of the pram) on the way home. You can choose: either you walk holding the pram (or hand) or you sit down here on the pavement and reset. What will you decide?' Most likely he'll acquiesce to holding the pram (and you must insist upon it, being allowed to drift back towards the front isn't an option. If he refuses you sit him down right there at the houses side of the pavement and tell him. 'Ok, you've decided we need to reset. Sit here for 5 minutes and then we'll see if you're ready to walk sensibly.' and continue engaging with the others while you give it 5. Then turn to him and say, 'Right, it's time to go home now. Up you get and hold on the the pram please'. And make sure he does just that. Continue home in 'fun mode' as you would have done if he'd listened straight away.

Obviously this is just one example. But it can pretty much be adapted to every scenario. Nice/firm/consequence. Be consistent, always follow through even if he's kicking off (ESPECIALLY if he's kicking off!) Shouting is a sign of a loss of control. Kids need to know you're the one holding the reigns at all times - a loose reign maybe, but still securely held.

I think it depends on the child, their personality, behaviour, siblings and age. I can honestly say I have never once had to raise my voice to my youngest (pre teen) she has never run off, doesn't have siblings at home to fight with and is generally very sensible, well behaved and does as she is asked... I fully accept that this may change as she reaches the teenage years of course. 🤣 My eldest, now an adult, had younger siblings to squabble with, was a strong willed teenager who loved putting herself in 'exciting' (risky) situations and pushing boundaries... so yes, I raised my voice on occasion!

I don’t shout. I think it shows you have lost control and it’s a bad example. Also it’s not effective as they get used to it.
I have always had a calm discussion at home afterwards. I explain exactly what was wrong earlier and clearly explain what I wanted to happen. I ask them why they did not listen.
You need to listen to their answers if they have any! Usually they just say that they are sorry. Sometimes they say they say they didn’t hear me/ don’t see why they can’t do xyz.
I then say that we need to all agree that they do as they are told otherwise there are dangers/ consequences etc. I always ask if there is anything else they want to say. Big hugs then leave it.
I have shouted a few times but have apologised afterwards and said that my emotions got the better of me. I think my Kids appreciate this because it’s what happens to them too.

What did you do if they were fighting at 7 and 11? Big more difficult to pick up then

And if they've run off while you are doing all this?

I have a lovely group of mum friends and we have all admitted to shouting at our kids from time to time.
When I get more shouty though, my youngest who is 4.5 just ends up shouting and screaming back, so I try not to do it.
My eldest is 6 so similar ages and they do squabble sometimes, my husband's strategy is probably best when home. He will give them 5 minutes silence.
For walking to and from school we used a walking sticker chart with rewards for 10 stickers (so morning and afternoon, you'd get a reward on Friday)
I often use countdowns and warmings for leaving the house, leaving the playground, shoes on ect. I've considered a visual timer or I've heard Alexa can be good at home. My youngest especially will act like he isn't even registering hearing me so before repeating myself 10 times I will say "listen" or "are you listening?" Which often gets his attention. If it doesn't, I could say "ice cream" and that will 😅
My 2 children are also little angels at school - look up restraint collapse!
Also I sometimes use chat gpt for parenting advice in specific situations as it's actually pretty helpful!
Hope some of this helps x

You need to hold firm on the boundary but make them feel like they have some autonomy, because unlike some of these comments sound like, they're your children not your pets. They are still human beings and you don't want to teach them to be complicit out of force or fear or they won't speak up for themselves as adults!
The natural consequence of not walking properly independently is walking holding the buggy / your hand.
"You're not listening, you have a choice you either walk nicely to the side of the pram or you will hold my hand, which do you want to do". Then, they'll either walk nicely because they've had some control or if not then you have to reinforce the natural consequence and hold his hand.
Of course you don't then drag them home. Every time they stop or refuse to walk, you just stop as well. But don't let go of the boundary. It's hard and the first few times it'll take ages to get home, but you have to follow through with the consequence.
You may find just giving them the choice of the freedom or the consequence may be enough to trigger their minds to realise they have some choice and control.

But the mum writing "I put my child in timeout and they're well behaved and never disobey, I don't know why or what I've done" has raised children or think if they ever dare speak up then they'll be put in solitary confinement 🤣 think of the long game. You don't want complicit children, you want to be a family unit!

Its tone over volume that matters. If they're close enough, in the house say, try going right up to them, and gently taking hold of them to turn them so you're face to face, and repeating the instruction at normal volume but in a firm tone.
Adding in extra noise just adds to the chaos. They'll naturally match it and you'll end up with loud stressful exchanges. It takes practice but it's worth breaking the habit.

Try not to impose sanctions that actually make your own life harder. 'No TV' etc (as that may have been your time to sit with a cuppa & relax for half an hour) or 'no snack' as kids are provably starving after a long day at school etc & probably hangry. Especially if it's punishing all 3 kids. Maybe they have to sit on time out step/stairs instead. Maybe if bad behaviour/not listening continues 2 get to go to the park with dad (or whoever) at the weekend & the 1 misbehaving has to stay home. Maybe marbles in a jar for each child who walks home safely or listens etc & a treat for those kids at the end of the week who have enough marbles -you could take marbles out if there's bad behaviour/incidents? Try mixing things up a little. Good luck 😁

Oh goodness, so many perfect mums on here. Nothing wrong with occasionally shouting (within a secure and loving relationship) if they're doing something dangerous or not listening. That's different from being constantly aggressive which would be damaging. I admit to doing the same myself and my two now adult boys couldn't have turned out nicer or more balanced and we have a great relationship. So don't feel too guilty if after dealing lovingly and patiently with the first 99 issues you occasionally snap at the 100th. Love and strength to you. Things will get easier!

Clearly people do shout at their children as we all see it in public regularly, but no, I can pretty much say I've never shouted at my children. Certainly literally never in the last 15 years.

Depends a bit what the 'it' is, doesnt it. Thats fine if the it is dropping an ice cream. Not so fine if the it is running onto a busy road.

Theres certainly an implication that those who have on occasion shouted are poorer parents and its disingenuous to say this vibe isnt strong on here.

Youve only ever come across immediate danger twice?

Shouting at a kid in a dangerous situation is not the same as shouting at a kid in general terms. I think most people would shout to stop if they were going to run into a road but you then explain why that was dangerous etc, carrying on shouting after the danger has passed is not okay nor is it productive. Most people on this thread are talking about shouting at a kid for things such as not getting ready quick enough or walking to slow etc. as the op said, she shouted at hers because they wouldn't stop walking in front of the pram but at no point did she explain why he shouldn't be doing it.

I do that, still doesnt work with my DS. I stopped asking and started telling him, but he has selective hearing. I also gave him consequences, he's 2.5 so it was more like "okay we are going home" or "no Puffin Rock when we get home" and he still doesnt care.

This approach doesn't work with some kids, and honestly I think people like the OP are going to beat themselves up or see it as a personal failure.

What so many parents fail to realise is temperament is everything. If you have a very innately stubborn and headstrong child much of what people are suggesting on this thread may make little difference.

I know because I was one, I was an extremely defiant child and no amount of shouting or grounding me (or even a slap) worked. Connection worked far better, speaking to me on a level and explaining something with reason and logic.

But to the OP, yes I shout sometimes because it is frustrating. I would echo what others have said though, it makes no difference really and we are only winding ourselves up! Solidarity because it's so hard.