Husband drunk again and I’ve emptied the house of drink

[gotaproblemnow]

I grew up with an alcoholic father who caused such misery. One of the terrors was when he went out just for a pint and then hours went by and we all got more and more fearful waiting for him to come home and unleash hell. Even with years of counselling that core fear is still there.

When I met by DH I said then that moderate drinking didn’t bother me but him going out unexpectedly for hours and coming home drunk did as it kicks in that fear of waiting. I don’t like him drunk as he sneers and laughs at me. Despite this he has consistently done it and I’ve put up with it. It’s always been the only thing we argue about. I’ve even locked him out in the past but it made no difference.

He’s 67 now and retired for four years and everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day but doesn’t get drunk just always topped up. All his presents from family are always bottles of whisky or beer.

Once a month he goes out and comes back really drunk and did it again tonight despite me asking him to limit it to a few. I just saw red when he came back and grabbed all his many many bottles and poured it all down the toilet as he slumped drunk. I’ve had enough. When he sobers up tomorrow I’m telling him there’s to be no more drink in the house or I’m leaving.

I’m 10 years younger with a good career and earn my own money so not financially dependent. Both children are grown up and have their own lives.

AIBU? He says he isn’t an alcoholic and most people do this and I’m overreacting but I think he can’t control himself. Or am I blinded by my own fears? Why can’t he just have one or two?

He’s an alcoholic, and you know from your childhood experience what this is going to turn into.

I’m sorry you are going through this but you deserve better - you have many years ahead of you. He’s not going to change, and you can’t help him. ‘Most people’ don’t behave like this.

He can't just of one ir two because he is an alcoholic OP.
Tbh I don't know how you have tolerated this for as long as you have.
If he won't acknowledge his problem with alcohol and if he doesn't want to stop drinking he won't change OP.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns, I read something here once and a woman was saying her ex (she’d left him because of the drink) was found dead in a pile of faeces. I don’t drink so don’t really know what it takes to get to that level, or if your DH is anywhere near that level, but you have really good reasons to ask him to stop or cut down and he doesn’t care.

And, speaking from what I have seen, retirement is sometimes a signal for drinking more heavily as you don’t need to be at work, don’t need to drive, can just cancel plans if you feel awful.

I once asked him for my birthday present to go a month without drinking, like a dry January thing, but he refused. I said then doesn’t that indicate he has a problem but he always talks me into thinking I have the problem as I don’t drink and don’t understand as I associate being drunk with violence. He’s never violent but he is snarky and it makes me feel fearful, even though I know there is no threat. It’s like he’s laughing at me.

Actually that’s a good point about not needing to hide the drinking so much since he retired.

If we go on holiday and get an early 6am flight he has two pints before we get on the plane as he says everyone does this but I don’t get why? He’s not a youngster.

I don’t like him drunk as he sneers and laughs at me. Despite this he has consistently done it and I’ve put up with it.

Why have you stayed with someone who is horrible to you? Why have you stayed with an alcoholic despite growing up with an alcoholic father?

This is about you and your fear. Get counselling to unlock why you stay and then maybe you will be able to leave. And yes, you should leave.

He’s definitely a binge drinker if he can’t just have one, whether he’s alcohol dependent I haven’t the foggiest.

It’s a tough one to decide if yabu or not because you are both at completely different stages in life. You working and career focused and your H in retirement nearing 70. As a 70 yo I would not tolerate being told what I can and can’t do, I’ll be too long in the tooth for that shenanigans. But equally as a nearing 60 yo I would still be career focused and could do without a drunken twat at home.

Large age gap relationships don’t seem to work out well in the end.

Either he stops drinking or you stop giving a crap. Or just split-up.

I feel for you.

i have a brother who also drinks and is an alcoholic, they never admit to having a problem and usually get narky when the subject comes up.
My dad was also a drinker and I have terrible memories of growing up.
You will never change him at his age. Also they tend not to care about anyone but their self, unfortunately.
xx

It doesn’t matter if he has a problem or not, this is about you. You set a boundary. If you’re not happy in your relationship you can end it for whatever or no reason you choose.

Why are you living with someone who sneers and laughs at you?

YABU to expect him to change. You need to just leave. He's definitely an alcoholic and since he's been in denial all his life and still is, that's all there is to it. They can't change for someone else they have to want to change and he doesn't. The "don't like him drunk" actually means you don't like him since alcohol doesn't really change you, it just removes the veneer if civility that hides the nasty side of you (if you have one). Nice people don't turn nasty when they're drunk. Nasty people just lose the ability to hide it when they're drunk. The sneering etc is him having zero respect for you. Unfortunately OP, you married your dad mark2! It's never to late though, time to break free and start living in peace. See a solicitor and get the ball rolling with divorce.

It's because he'll get withdrawal symptoms if he abstains from alcohol too long. He's drinking daily. He's an alcoholic. You rarely see him drunk because he's got such a high tolerance for alcohol. He will be affected, but he'll also be good at hiding it and the signs will be subtle. He can't go a day without a drink. He's never sober, never. He's either hung over, craving it or drinking it and under the influence. Constantly. I can guarantee that now he's retired his alcohol consumption will have increased. You're not there to witness it. I hope he doesn't drive. Even in the mornings he's likely to be over the limit from the night before. It also sounds like he's reached the drinking in the morning stage of things. Please leave before he starts getting mental health problems from it and you start feeling guilty and end up as his carer. They get brain damage eventually that mimics dementia. Please save yourself OP, you're not a little kid any more so you can, this time.

@unicornsandstardust I have to disagree I'm afraid. Alcohol can turn decent people into nasty people. I'm an alcoholic with over 4 years of sobriety and I've met hundreds of fellow alkies at meetings, so I'm speaking from experience. Fortunately I wasn't an arsehole myself through drink, but I know countless people who are very honest and about their previous behaviour and have lived with a lot of shame.

And @ThisGreenShaker There are alcoholics who admit they have a problem, but you're right that many live in denial.

Ultimately @gotaproblemnowthere is nothing you can do to make your husband stop drinking - he has to do it all himself. The longer you stick by him the less likely it is that he will reach his rock bottom. Unless he starts to lose things (like his wife) he will never have to face the reality of his situation.

Leave him. It might be the best thing for you both 🙏🏻

You are allowed to leave and in no way obliged to stay to look after him. It won't even help him if you do stay.

No one ever has to live with an alcoholic - you are allowed to set that as a firm boundary for yourself.

Even if you would still like to have a normal relationship with him one day, that can only happen if he gets sober, and you staying is only making that less likely, not more.

I mean this very, very kindly. You are repeating the pattern you are familiar with, the one you learnt as a child. You had to put upnwith an abusive, alcoholic man, and you ended up with another abusive, alcoholic man.

It may be that he will change. But you need to help yourself. Seek therapy for yourself.

I think you should decide to leave him now. He is an alcoholic and he’s not going to stop because you want him to. Even if he says he will, he won’t unless he wants to for his own reasons. He’ll just drink in secret and then you’ll catch him out and the whole situation will start again.

Even if you were overreacting because of your awful experience, a normal person who loved you would drink less and help you feel safe. Even if you were overreacting you wouldn’t deserve the sneering and meanness. But you’re not overreacting, he clearly has a problem. I hope you find the strength to set your boundary and leave if he doesn’t follow through.

10 years is not a 'large age gap'.

You say he’s not violent but you’ve just thrown everything away. Today is not going to be a good day, he’s going to be furious.

Will you be safe?

you say you are in a good position financially etc, how soon can you leave?

this will be the pattern until he dies, you have the experience to know this will not change.

Well done on your sobriety ❤️ 💐

I also grew up with an alcoholic father (it killed him eventually, in a horrible way that I’ve never been allowed to know the details of).

OP- you’re right not to put up with it anymore.

Your kids went through what you went through from the sounds of it, Op. Let's hope they are able to break the cycle.

There are education groups that go into schools to inform teenagers about the effects of alcohol on the body etc.

Seriously book up an information session for yourself and husband and also your children, in your own home. Your family need to understand that DH is an alcoholic.

Choose a time when DH is soberish and prewarn DH that a health team is going to advise on how to live as long as you can by learning all the facts about alcohol.

If your DH will not change by his own efforts, you are doomed to the same misery that you now tolerate. You can choose to leave.

He won't change. You need to leave him.

My BIL is an alcoholic. It cost him his marriage, access to his child and his house. Everything. More than 20 years on now and from what I can tell (limited to very nearly no contact) he is still drinking. Things haven't changed. They never will.