Husband drunk again and I’ve emptied the house of drink

[gotaproblemnow]

I grew up with an alcoholic father who caused such misery. One of the terrors was when he went out just for a pint and then hours went by and we all got more and more fearful waiting for him to come home and unleash hell. Even with years of counselling that core fear is still there.

When I met by DH I said then that moderate drinking didn’t bother me but him going out unexpectedly for hours and coming home drunk did as it kicks in that fear of waiting. I don’t like him drunk as he sneers and laughs at me. Despite this he has consistently done it and I’ve put up with it. It’s always been the only thing we argue about. I’ve even locked him out in the past but it made no difference.

He’s 67 now and retired for four years and everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day but doesn’t get drunk just always topped up. All his presents from family are always bottles of whisky or beer.

Once a month he goes out and comes back really drunk and did it again tonight despite me asking him to limit it to a few. I just saw red when he came back and grabbed all his many many bottles and poured it all down the toilet as he slumped drunk. I’ve had enough. When he sobers up tomorrow I’m telling him there’s to be no more drink in the house or I’m leaving.

I’m 10 years younger with a good career and earn my own money so not financially dependent. Both children are grown up and have their own lives.

AIBU? He says he isn’t an alcoholic and most people do this and I’m overreacting but I think he can’t control himself. Or am I blinded by my own fears? Why can’t he just have one or two?

Your poor mum, sister, brother and you.
So very sorry for such losses in your life.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.
Maybe it was all too much for my dad but alcoholism is a terrible disease because it ruins not just the alcoholic's life but those around them too.

@gotaproblemnow
You're not being unreasonable, he's got a problem and is so deep in its all he knows how to do anymore and retirement has exacerbated that
Leave now; he probably thinks you'll be always there so if something were to happen you'd though unhappy would literally clean up after him
He can drink himself as "merry" as he likes but it doesn't mean you have to stay and watch anymore
Its not quite in the same vein, but our family had a saying
"You dig your grave with your own knife and fork"

Thanks for the ongoing messages of support. I came home late and he’s full of the predictable apologies and it’s going to change. Said he’s made an appointment with the doctor. I’ve heard it all before. I just don’t have the energy for any of it. I feel so stupid for having lost control with pouring everything down the sink/toilet, like that was going to make any difference. I’m having an early night as I’m utterly drained and will regroup my thoughts tomorrow. Haven’t eaten anything today as so anxious. This is not the life I envisaged, not at this point. So disappointed in myself too as end of the day these are also my choices.

Do you think you will stay and see if he changes or are you done?

Could you stay with one of your adult kids while you look for somewhere to live. I wouldn't put up with it any longer. you still have years to live,

Even if you give him a chance this time or another in the future, you are not obligated to tolerate his behaviour around alcohol indefinitely.

You deserve better @gotaproblemnow

You may be the only one with the 'issue' but your children will be the ones who have been damaged. That life was their 'normal' and likely affected them in more ways than you will ever realise.

Your DH will not change. He has no reason to. You've accepted it forever and he knows that no matter how much you grumble, or worse, you're not going anywhere. If you put up with it despite having children, why would he think you'd do anything different now there is just you?

Be honest OP. Do you REALLY think begging and threatening are going to suddenly work this time? You must know any real hope for that is long gone.
So much wasted time but it doesn't mean it's too late for YOU to find the strength and self respect to build a life where this isn't the main feature. The disappointment, the hurt, the complicity. Rather than futile actions of trying to 'make' an alcoholic stop drinking, why not take the steps you need to make real changes for your future and your happiness?

It is completely up to you, of course, but I'd be thinking about what your years ahead will potentially look like once the lifetime of drinking catches up. And it will. You deserve more but you can only change the things that are within your own control. No one will do it for you

Louts going to magaluf
have you ever been in an airport executive lounge at 4am?
lots of champagne swigging, is that ok?

Will your children support you if you tell him to leave? If you leave yourself, will he look after your home - is it a joint asset? One way or another you have every right to separate from him. You need to look after your interests.

if not - Your older age will be filled with misery and you will very likely become to carer of a drinking person who has a multitude of medical problems that he could have avoided. The only real chance he has to make that decision to sort himself out will be if he reaches rock bottom ie you force a separation. I hope your children will support you and that you can access some
good legal advice.

if drinking and its impact is the only problem you have with your dh, I feel particularly for you. This will be so hard. What a waste of an otherwise decent man. Addiction is truly a terrible disease.

You don’t need to feel stupid. It sounds like you have tried everything to make your marriage work. Pouring the drink away is a really normal response, combining all your worry, frustration and care to resolve his drinking problem.
You have obviously given thought to how you could manage financially alone and I think this is where you should put all your energies now. Perhaps join a support group for families of alcoholics too, so that you can understand your responses and begin to feel feel kinder to yourself.
It sounds like you would find peace starting out on your own. I could imagine the positive update to your thread in a few months time if you decided to do this. Put yourself first, gather support from friends and family. Good luck 🍀

Please don’t beat yourself up over choosing to stay up until this point.
You still have choices. Wishing you well.

Why is he living with someone who locks him out and tries to control his consumption because of their own issues? Neither of them should be together. Reframe this as a man locking a woman out when she’s in a vulnerable state through drink and telling her she can’t have alcohol because he has past trauma around it. Yeah, that’s what I thought. He’d be being abusive to her wouldn’t he?

Please don’t be disappointed in yourself OP. You made your choices in good faith… you can’t be expected to predict the future.

You’ve actually not had the choices. Your father conditioned you, you were forced to become used to living with an alcoholic; & so saw nothing unusual in your husbands ‘problem’. I feel, your husband has essentially groomed you into this way of living.
Offer to accompany H on his Dr appt? Tell Dr all you’ve said here, but don’t discuss any of what you’ll say with H

Don’t blame yourself @gotaproblemnow

It’s not your fault. Whether you separate or not, you can only manage what you can manage at a particular time. Be kind to yourself and remember if this happened to a friend you would support them not blame them.