Husband drunk again and I’ve emptied the house of drink

[gotaproblemnow]

I grew up with an alcoholic father who caused such misery. One of the terrors was when he went out just for a pint and then hours went by and we all got more and more fearful waiting for him to come home and unleash hell. Even with years of counselling that core fear is still there.

When I met by DH I said then that moderate drinking didn’t bother me but him going out unexpectedly for hours and coming home drunk did as it kicks in that fear of waiting. I don’t like him drunk as he sneers and laughs at me. Despite this he has consistently done it and I’ve put up with it. It’s always been the only thing we argue about. I’ve even locked him out in the past but it made no difference.

He’s 67 now and retired for four years and everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day but doesn’t get drunk just always topped up. All his presents from family are always bottles of whisky or beer.

Once a month he goes out and comes back really drunk and did it again tonight despite me asking him to limit it to a few. I just saw red when he came back and grabbed all his many many bottles and poured it all down the toilet as he slumped drunk. I’ve had enough. When he sobers up tomorrow I’m telling him there’s to be no more drink in the house or I’m leaving.

I’m 10 years younger with a good career and earn my own money so not financially dependent. Both children are grown up and have their own lives.

AIBU? He says he isn’t an alcoholic and most people do this and I’m overreacting but I think he can’t control himself. Or am I blinded by my own fears? Why can’t he just have one or two?

OP, I work in the Drug & Alcohol recovery sector. In most areas, a person can be referred to a service like ours by themselves, a family member or a professional. I recommend this obviously, but the ongoing work will only be fruitful if your DP does recognise there is sonething worth working on.

From what you've written your DP definitely misuses alcohol, but it's not possible to ascertain if he is dependently drinking.
It is not safe for a dependent drinker to suddenly stop drinking. It can cause seizures that can cause serious harm.

If he doesn't want to go to a D&A service, then i would at least encourage him to be honest with his GP so that he can be prescribed Thiamine which helps to protect his brain, and be referred for a liver scan.

Either way, it's horrible to feel sneered at, and it's not something you should luve with.

I voted you're being unreasonable because he's an addict

He's an alcoholic. The only person who can change that is him. So stop trying because you are wasting your breath. You have a simple choice to make. You either stay and accept this is the way it's going to be or you leave because it's very unlikely his behaviour will change and you can't change him. . My DP was an alcoholic and alcohol killed him. I stayed but he was a very nice drunk. The only person he harmed through drink was himself. But OP you have to decide what your next step is and if he makes you fearful or you just can't stand it anymore you should leave.

Sounds to me like you have chosen him over you for many years but he continually choses drink over you. If he was reliant on alcohol then a month off would be easy. You certainly wouldnt be unreasonable to chose you now.

You have to end the relationship. He has no respect for you.

He’s not necessarily got a problem with alcohol. Enjoying a glass of beer or whisky at home or having a few too many while out with friends now and again is not being an alcoholic. Lots of people do that. But, if you feel he has a problem with alcohol, then he might well have a dependency.

But, TBH, that’s irrelevant. He can do whatever he likes. But you don’t have to tolerate it. You set your boundaries at the start of the relationship. They’re perfectly reasonable FOR YOU, given your past trauma. He committed to you on that basis. Yet, he’s consistently ridden roughshod over your boundaries. And still is.

You’ve tolerated it for far too long and should end the relationship.

You cant change him you can only change how you choose to respond. That might be deciding to end the relationship

Sorry, just reread and had previously missed he drinks every day. That means he definitely has a problem. And is abusive: the sneering etc.

For me it's not about OP not realising he's an alcoholic, but more that she put down a clear boundary at the start which he immediately crossed...and she let him get away with it. Repeatedly.That's the point she should have followed through and left.
OP, now is better late than never. Take your life back from this loser who almost certainly won't change now.

Just leave and make a lovely home for yourself. Why are you staying with a drunken, sneering oaf?

@EdithBond

He’s not necessarily got a problem with alcohol. Enjoying a glass of beer or whisky at home or having a few too many while out with friends now and again is not being an alcoholic. Lots of people do that. But, if you feel he has a problem with alcohol, then he might well have a dependency.

He very obviously has an extremely acute problem with alcohol: he drinks two pints of beer at 6am before getting on a plane. He’s almost in sleeping on a park bench territory.

Comments like this aren’t helping OP face up to the gravity of the problem.

My advice would be in the morning just tell him you're leaving.
Why waste your time on an ultimatum? In the highly unlikely event your husband will stop drinking, he could do this while you're separated and you could try again when he's sober if you still wanted to.
If the thought of that is an immediate no, then think, why not? If not now, then when? The answer is probably never, and you'll spend the rest of your life in that sick fear that you learned as a child, until your husband drinks himself to death.
You're 57 (same as me) free yourself before you waste any more of your precious life being more miserable and scared than you need be.

@gotaproblemnow I’m so sorry for what you are going through now, and for what you had to endure as a child. 💐
My parents are in their late seventies and eighties. I’ve lost count of the amount of pouring away that has been done, and the amount of ultimatums that have been given from one to the other. Nothing changes.
I’ve personally tried everything I possibly can to help my parent who drinks. Nothing I do makes a blind bit of difference. They do not care how much they are hurting themself or their spouse. My sober parent has given their retirement over to dealing with constant lies, stress and pain.
I understand how difficult this is, because my parents are still together, but please get out and live your life FOR YOU.
After that, your DH will either decide to change—or he won’t. It is not your responsibility to fix him. He has to recognise he has a problem and then decide to fix it himself. Nothing you do or say can make him change.
Sending love and strength ♥️

👏👏👏

No most people do not.

He is probably lieing to himself as much as he is to you. This doesn't change that he is an alcoholic and needs to deal with that.

Apologies, you’ll note above I immediately reread and left another comment 🙏

He hasn't listened to you all these years, he's not going to start now. Even if you didn't have the particular circumstances of your childhood influencing your judgement, any sane and normal person would not want to live with a 67 year old who gets blind drunk once a month. I might forgive my dh if he did it once (I seem to recall once about 30 years ago he drank so much he vomited) but MONTHLY? No! of course it's not normal. You really do have to leave him. I'm so pleased for you that you have financial independence. Time for a lovely and some list making ...

This is why I hate the label “alcoholic” and find it hugely unhelpful. People kid themselves on that if they are not pouring alcohol on their cornflakes or swigging it from a brown paper bag on a park bench they are fine. So called “alcoholism” is just addiction same as any other. If he was going on a monthly coke binge would anyone be telling him he wasn’t addicted? He plainly is addicted to alcohol as he can’t stop once he starts. Whether he calls himself an “alcoholic” is irrelevant. YANBU OP. Fuck him and his shit.

I voted that YABU as you should have left already

My ex (and indeed all the male mebers of his family) have to stay away from whisky because they also get nasty so maybe it's a "thing".
Living with someone who is alcohol dependant with no off switch is exhausting and I suspect emptying the house of alcohol is going to get you nowhere.
The only plan B I can think of is pretty niclear..

You need help for you. Al anon support families of alcoholics and are worth a look. But you can't control your anxiety through controlling him, it just won't work. He needs his own help and may or may not choose to do that. Find help for you and decide how to move forward to protect yourself.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

@gotaproblemnow you are still young enough to get out (or kick him out) and support yourself. Do it, or you will have an utterly miserable old age.

He sounds awful OP. Obviously an alcoholic, and a nasty one at that. Emotionally abusive drunk. Chuck him back. x

It’s very clear he is an alcoholic. And you are already thinking about leaving so you are in that mindset. Another ultimatum is pointless. It’s already bad enough. But it’s only going to get worse with a man who is 10 years older with all the physical/mental/cogntive issues that will inevitably come his way from boozing.

I’d so happy for you that you have the funds and ability to escape this situation.

Get real. Get out.

Following as will reply later

You can’t change him , unless he wants to stop and or gets to rock bottom
i know a guy who was at deaths door through drink, ( nearly a hospice place) amazingly he pulled through and is doing great but it was awful before the corner turned. Leave him it won’t get any better