Husband drunk again and I’ve emptied the house of drink

[gotaproblemnow]

I grew up with an alcoholic father who caused such misery. One of the terrors was when he went out just for a pint and then hours went by and we all got more and more fearful waiting for him to come home and unleash hell. Even with years of counselling that core fear is still there.

When I met by DH I said then that moderate drinking didn’t bother me but him going out unexpectedly for hours and coming home drunk did as it kicks in that fear of waiting. I don’t like him drunk as he sneers and laughs at me. Despite this he has consistently done it and I’ve put up with it. It’s always been the only thing we argue about. I’ve even locked him out in the past but it made no difference.

He’s 67 now and retired for four years and everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day but doesn’t get drunk just always topped up. All his presents from family are always bottles of whisky or beer.

Once a month he goes out and comes back really drunk and did it again tonight despite me asking him to limit it to a few. I just saw red when he came back and grabbed all his many many bottles and poured it all down the toilet as he slumped drunk. I’ve had enough. When he sobers up tomorrow I’m telling him there’s to be no more drink in the house or I’m leaving.

I’m 10 years younger with a good career and earn my own money so not financially dependent. Both children are grown up and have their own lives.

AIBU? He says he isn’t an alcoholic and most people do this and I’m overreacting but I think he can’t control himself. Or am I blinded by my own fears? Why can’t he just have one or two?

I’m 10 years younger with a good career and earn my own money so not financially dependent. Both children are grown up and have their own lives.

It's a no brainer x

He will try to reel you in and prevent you from leaving, as I'm sure he has done in the past. But as you've said you are younger and have financial freedom. You are more likely to regret staying and then being unable to leave when you lose your health or retire than you would regret leaving IMO. Especially with the age gap do you really want to be his carer when his issues are due to alcoholism?

Sorry! Cross posted

He drinks two pints before a 6am flight and he reckons that is normal?! It is absolutely not normal OP and he is deluded to think it is. I wouldn't ask him end the relationship if I were you.

An acquaintance has an alcoholic husband (they are both in their 50s and ‘professional ‘) He has been to rehab a few times but ultimately he is still an alcoholic.

currently he is really at an end stage. Regularly soils himself, can’t engage with conversation as mentally he is 2 steps behind. It’s too far gone now, and can’t be reversed.

he has dragged his while family down and financially they are very precarious. She should have left him 10 years ago, but she clung on as he was then a high earner and the lifestyle was nice/ she could turn a blind eye and fool herself that she could cope with it/ it would impact the kids to leave.

now she despises him and is stuck with his care. There isn’t enough money for them to separate. The kids have left home and they despise him and think a lot less of her. It’s a mess. 10 years ago it was doable for her and she still had some agency in the situation, now it’s not.

He’s very wrong. Everyone doesn’t drink at 6am before a flight. I can’t think of anything worse to be honest. Maybe the louts going to Magaluf, but not most normal tourists or travellers. Is he a bit of a lout?

You are unfair to not let him go out and get drunk.

Its pretty normal in this country to go out with friends once a month and get drunk and there’s no way I’d allow a man to tell me I couldn’t.

However, him drinking every day means he’s an alcoholic and I couldn’t be in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Tbh considering you’re so against alcohol, I’m surprised you didn’t leave him years ago.
Half of us don’t have the trauma around alcohol that you do and there’s no way we’d put up with this.

Definitely separate and start enjoying life more.

Am so sorry that history is repeating itself. Yes, he is an alcoholic.
With the laughing and sneering at you whenever you raise the drinking shows no willingness to meet you in the middle, get help, give up or even slow down on the drinking - the drink has 'won' and it sounds like it's ruled his life for many years. Of course you're not being unreasonable, he is just trying to shift responsibility onto you, making you question yourself what's normal.

Please look after yourself and am sorry that this is happening to you, alcoholism is heartbreaking.

You're only 57. You have so much ahead of yourself still.
Do you find your husband attractive?
It doesn't sound like a happy marriage for you; it doesn't sound like he has any regard for you, or himself; and I can't imagine why you'd want to stay with him.
What exactly are you getting out of the relationship?

I don’t understand why you married him, he must have got drunk and shown you his sarky side while you were dating. People are on their best behaviour when dating, it was only going to get worse.

I think other posters are spot on, you are repeating the pattern of your childhood. You keep saying you want him to stop for a month as a present almost like to prove he loves you, but that’s not healthy attitude to have either.

You don’t really like people who get drunk he gets drunk and unpleasant when he drunk - you are not compatible. You are never going to understand his drive to drink, and why he does it and how it makes him feel and he’s not going to change because people only change when they have a problem.

Hes not going to change, don’t threaten to leave if he doesn’t stop, just leave him and get some peace and happiness of your own.

So good to hear this!

I left my first husband after 10 years of marriage because of his drinking. When our DD was very young he used to spend so much on beer that it was a struggle to afford groceries.
He had several hobby clubs which ended the night in the pub so rolled home drunk often. One night he assaulted me when drunk and that was it. I left. I was 33 then. He was 44. Our DD was 6.
Once he retired, like the OP's husband, he was almost permanently drunk. He then had a bus pass so could drink even more. He died aged 72 of an alcohol related disease.
The sad thing is that our DD (39) is heading the same way.

Sounds like it won't be anytime soon that he admits he has a (serious) problem with drink.
Cut your losses, leave him to it, concentrate on yourself and your own future happiness 💐

You can’t make him change by issuing ultimatums. It never works as he has to want to change and he clearly doesn’t.

You are going to have to leave for your own sanity because now he’s retired, he’ll start to get sick from the alcohol and he’ll expect you to care for him.

Don’t waste the time you’ve got left living in this unhappy state. You owe him nothing.

Drinking this heavily may well cause issues if he just stops drinking. He will need to see the GP.

However, he is an alcoholic, he has to WANT to stop, for himself. I would say that is not the case here.

You have to decide if this is the life you want OP.

Sod that. I didn't have any childhood trauma related to drinking but that would upset me. I don't think it's normal to drink before an early flight, I think it's weird.

Do you love each other? Doesn't sound as though he respects you.
I would separate and see how you feel being a part. See if he's got any interest in changing. I think you would split up as he's so unkind to you. Do you really want to be stuck with him for the rest of your life?

You have a good life without him, and your children are grown. He will not change unless he wants to, which clearly he doesn't, and he will not have one or two. I think your best solution is to leave him.
you are 57, being brutally honest you only have 10 -15 healthy years left, why spend them miserable repeating damaging patterns ?

OP you know in your heart he went from a regular drinker to a heavy drinker to dependant and now full on alcoholic. No normal drinker has two pints a 6 am before a flight.

Given you say you have kids I would say you lay it out to him when he is sober. Tell him you know he is an alcoholic and you cannot live with him like that. Say you are going to see a solicitor to discuss what a divorce would look like and the only way you might reconsider is if he goes to get help, admits he is alcoholic and stops drinking with support. If he is still in denial then you have your answer.

Even when living separately if you want to support him later for the sake of your kids you can, but only support him dealing with getting sober. Anything else, debt etc from the alcohol is his to deal with.

Maybe tell him you need done time alone and book a hotel or air b and b for a week just in this country and literally spend a week out of his influence and see the peace and calm you could get from being away from this man.

I think this may really make up your mind. Also it may make him realise you are serious and wont keep putting up with him living like this.

I don't know why you have put up with him for so long OP. It is repeating the pattern you grew up with. You are younger than him and have a career and, presumably, your own pension and means. Even without the financial aspect to consider i would LTB if I were you. My main concern is as you're younger than him, if you stick around you risk ending up as his FT carer if/when he develops one of the many complications of alcoholism such as Wernicke's encolopathy/ seizures/ dementia/ stroke/ cardiac issues/ many types of cancer. And you've not worked all your life to spend your retirement looking after someone who refuses to take responsibility for his own health.

“Everyone” drinks before they fly?! Pfft. He’s definitely got a problem.

If he couldn’t manage a dry month (and wouldn’t even attempt it), and he’s getting pissed weekly, then he has a dependency.

He hasn’t respected any of your boundaries, needs or ultimatums around his drinking throughout your entire marriage and he won’t start now.

He will get worse.

Honestly, I would see a solicitor and get shot of him now with time to sort your life out in anticipation of an enjoyable retirement without him.

See a solicitor though: does he have enough pension / savings / roof over his head to manage on his own? You don’t want to end up funding him because you are still working.

Going out and getting drunk once a month really isn't typical behaviour.

He drinks every day too. The man has massive issues, poor OP.

I couldn’t live with someone who drinks every day.
i don’t think your unreasonable in considering leaving.

Please make sure you're safe OP - at some point today he's going to sober up and realise you've got rid of all his stashes of alcohol.

I would absolutely agree with the majority of PPs that you should leave this man, however, if you decide to stay, be wary of giving an ultimatum for him to stop drinking by going cold turkey. Cold turkey for long term drinkers can actually be quite dangerous and it's better if he can stop in a controlled manner with some professional help.