Husband drunk again and I’ve emptied the house of drink

[gotaproblemnow]

I grew up with an alcoholic father who caused such misery. One of the terrors was when he went out just for a pint and then hours went by and we all got more and more fearful waiting for him to come home and unleash hell. Even with years of counselling that core fear is still there.

When I met by DH I said then that moderate drinking didn’t bother me but him going out unexpectedly for hours and coming home drunk did as it kicks in that fear of waiting. I don’t like him drunk as he sneers and laughs at me. Despite this he has consistently done it and I’ve put up with it. It’s always been the only thing we argue about. I’ve even locked him out in the past but it made no difference.

He’s 67 now and retired for four years and everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day but doesn’t get drunk just always topped up. All his presents from family are always bottles of whisky or beer.

Once a month he goes out and comes back really drunk and did it again tonight despite me asking him to limit it to a few. I just saw red when he came back and grabbed all his many many bottles and poured it all down the toilet as he slumped drunk. I’ve had enough. When he sobers up tomorrow I’m telling him there’s to be no more drink in the house or I’m leaving.

I’m 10 years younger with a good career and earn my own money so not financially dependent. Both children are grown up and have their own lives.

AIBU? He says he isn’t an alcoholic and most people do this and I’m overreacting but I think he can’t control himself. Or am I blinded by my own fears? Why can’t he just have one or two?

I wouldn’t bother with an ultimatum, he’ll just be full of empty promises. You’ve been asking him for years to cut out the drinking, he doesn’t care what you want. Just leave him and consider it an act of kindness not only to yourself but to him also, maybe it will give him the impetus to change. You are financially independent and your kids are grown, just get out and enjoy the rest of your life before he drags you down even further.

Hang on. He’s drinking two beers and a whiskey a day? That’s not a huge amount and certainly not an alcoholic staying ‘topped up’ as you say

Addicts have to; want to change.
Sorry to say gotaproblemnow’s DH doesn’t seem to want to?
Would he go to GP (if accompanied) for any help the nhs can offer?

How about videoing him next time he’s drunkenly abusive, show him how crappy he actually is….. & can show same to Dr.?
I can recommend wearing earplugs & having separate bedrooms (my H has dementia).

Depends on the size and strength of the whisky, it's usually 40% and we don't know what the beer % is. I doubt it's a pub measure and having to drink every day is not healthy and suggests a dependence.

He’s 67 now and retired for four years and everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day but doesn’t get drunk just always topped up. All his presents from family are always bottles of whisky or beer.

It's inculcated from his family of origin - a fish doesn't know its surrounded by water

I broke off contact with my father (about 10 years too late) and his last words to me before I went no contact was "is half a bottle of whisky a day too much?"

I handed that responsibility back to its rightful owner with "yes, it is"

I later heard the disturbing details about how he chose a slow, painful death via numerous bottles of whisky per day and being brought home by random people after being found slumped over parked cars on his way home from the pub. My father was an utter cunt in numerous ways - each of which would have either caught a charge, or had him locked-up (hence the long-overdue no contact), but I never recognised that denigrated, dehumanised version of him.

He ended up in a dementia care home 3 years later due to ARBD and died due to septicaemia and other simultaneous complications, while I went to visit him in palliative care before he died, he could no longer speak.

Drank from 16 onwards, work nights out, mature student at uni, post-graduation career etc. I got off the weekend warrior train on the morning of April 1st 2016, woke up one day and thought "bollocks to this", probably drank about 40-50 units from then until late 2020 and since then, 0 units.

It's a socially-accepted Group 1 carcinogen at the end of the day, but you'll get flamed if you dare mention sobriety in front of anyone with a pint or wine in front of them, because they'll take it as a direct attack that you've gone all pious, when they've asked you why you're not drinking and not liked the answer. 😀

If he's only drinking two beers and one whisky a day, and actually getting drunk once a month, he's probably not an alcoholic. Unless that 'one whisky' is actually a whole lot of whisky.

Which would change my earlier response. I think in that case you may be just terrified of history repeating itself and that may be colouring your judgement of your husband's drinking. What you describe is still a bit more than the weekly recommended max alcohol amount (depending on the amount of whisky) but it's not automatically in problem drinking territory.

DrinkAware have a very good website, it outlines the different signs of problem drinking and alcohol dependency,,it's not just about the amount you drink.

So sad op as you wanted to avoid the cycle and you have been drawn into it. take the step now and live a different life.

I know. But I think there could be two separate issues here: the OP's understandable huge fear of alcohol due to growing up with an alcoholic father, and whether her husband actually has a drinking problem.

I think he's right. From his point of view he doesn't have a problem with it. He is happy to carry on as he is.

When are you going to do something about it OP, as you're the one with the problem. Why are you expecting him to change when you are not prepared to change yourself?

@gotaproblemnow

Please seek help from ACA (adult child of alcoholics) and Al-Anon.

They have so many useful resources and you will feel heard and understood. You can then think about next steps.

Well, two pints of beer plus a whisky (and let's assume its probably a double) is up to eight units a day. That's 56 a week which is about four times the recommended amount, and it doesn't include the binge sessions, so it's certainly not a healthy amount of alcohol.

Leaving that aside, the amount isn't the only determinant here. If alcohol has a problematic influence on a person (on their relationships, their work, their ability function etc) it's a problem, regardless of how many units are consumed and whether that person is dependent on it. The OP has been very clear that it's problematic for her.

The OP has also made clear that she finds it extremely traumatic due to her childhood, so he's deliberately ignoring her boundaries.

As often the case in these discussions about alcohol, people get hung up on the fine print of number of units consumed and whether or not the person is dependent but the bottom line is that if someone's drinking is upsetting, traumatic or shameful for the people they love it's a problem.

Plus he drinks more at the weekends anyway

This ^^
Dont let this be your story.
He won’t change.

He is an alcoholic and isn’t going to change unless he really wants to with professional help. The fact he does it knowing your history and sneers at you would mean one thing, divorce.

It doesn't matter whether he is an alcoholic or not his drinking is causing issues and you are not comfortable with it. You deserve to be comfortable in your own home. I wouldn't debate it with him as you will get nowhere.
Just keep saying l am not comfortable with how much you are drinking...you can drink away but l am not living with it any longer.

Drinking daily is not normal for anyone. He is an alcoholic he will never admit he is but he is one.

His drinking has already caused problems and stress for you. You have given him plenty of chances to stop or cut back and he hasn't.

That is because he's not going to because he's an alcoholic.

Pouring the alcohol down the sink means you've gotten to the point where you are a policing a grown man. Is that how you want to live your life? because that is how you are living your life right now.

And alcohol is not cheap think of how much money he has spent on alcohol

The drinking will catch up with him eventually where his health will sufferr if it hasn't already but you haven't mentioned that part. You'll end up being a carer.

I think the time has come already to decide if you're going to stay and put up with this for the rest of your days or if you're going to divorce him.

The period of giving him chances to cut back or stop has already passed because you've already tried that and he hasn't done it so you have a decision to make.

Are you aware you've married your Dad? It's so common. The ground was fertile for you to go for a drinker with blurred lines because that's what your Dad was so it felt familiar but familiar isn't necessarily healthy. It can be horribly toxic and damaging.

He sneers at you.

It shows you are used to be being abused and you learnt to accept it, maybe as a child with your DF.

OP, he's not a nice man. He belittles your wishes. He centres his life around alcohol and that is his mistress, his addiction. he won't give it up for you.

You need to leave. For the sake of your emotional and physical health, you need to leave.

He sounds horrible. I could not stay. You deserve so much more and not least your own self-respect. No one should be sneering at your, drunk or sober.

He is a horrible, self-indulgent addict.

Leave. There's no point having further discussions with him. You are wasting your breath. Addicts have to want to change. He doesn't. So let him find out what it is like to be alone and an addict. He is not your responsbility. He is a grown adult. Leave OP. Leave.

I am pretty sure the op said in one of her posts that he is not noticebly drunk every day but topping up every day which, to me, would indicate a problem with alcohol.

If he isn’t an alcoholic, why would he prioritise drinking over his marriage so much?

Because he is an alcoholic. Also, whatever you think he is drinking, it is likely to be more than that, and if he doesn't already have at least one bottle secretly stashed somewhere you don't know about, he soon will. Ignore the other 'friends' and family who minimise it, they are not in the marriage with him.

I had an alcoholic in my immediate family and it didn't end well. My family endured awful criticism and abuse from so-called friends for refusing to facilitate the constant drinking but it was noticeable how these people were never around when things were kicking off at 2am.

It's up to him whether or not and how much he drinks, and it's up to you how much of his behaviour you tolerate. I think you should be very honest with him and tell him explicitly what you need him to do in order to save your marriage. Give him an opportunity to sober up, but to a strict deadline, and be aware that he is unlikely to succeed. In these circumstances, a few alcoholics pull it round but many don't, and he may drag you into a endless cycle of being seen to try to stop, whilst continuing or restarting the drinking again. If he cannot stop, the situation you are currently in will only get worse. Personally I would not give a second chance, and be prepared for ending the marriage. I hope you don't have to, but sadly it's a likely outcome.

Al-Anon provide good advice for the families of alcoholics. I wish you well OP, alcoholism is heartbreaking

Who cares what anyone else thinks?

No, he is unlikely to acknowledge he has a problem - he has demonstrated that repeatedly.

So what if no one else has an issue? It isn't a committee decision, it's YOU. You are allowed to have an issue with his behaviour and its impact on your life and to make your own decisions accordingly.

Maybe he is an alcoholic, maybe he isn't - you don't need to have an answer. It is his behaviour, his lack of respect, and your feelings about the whole thing that count.

I always have a couple of drinks at the airport before going on holiday, even at 6 in the morning. It’s a tradition and loads of people do it. I only drink when I’m on holiday or special occasions though .

2 pints before a 6am flight ? Eeew ! No, we don't ALL do this...at all ! Would rather have / need a cuppa and pice of toast tbh. He def has a drink problem OP

GO!

My father who was a successful man became an alcoholic. He was always a heavy drinker but he hit it hard when he retired. It was made all the worse by the fact that my late and much loved sister was severely disabled. She was paralysed although she could talk to us a move her head a little. He used to drink and go off to bed leaving my mum to look after her and put her to bed. When she died at home my father was asleep in bed presumably sleeping off the effects of his last dose of alcohol. I remember my mother telling me that she went into his room and had to shake him to wake him up to tell him that their darling daughter was dead downstairs.I feel that it doesn't get much worse than this but maybe it does!
When my mother died my brother who still lived in the family home told me that he hit the hard stuff big time. It wasn't just beer it was whiskey now and plenty of it. He became unrecognisible to me and unreachable.
He died in hospital at the age of 77 years after an 18 month stay in hospital due to the effects of booze and cigarettes. When he died, I asked my aunt, (his sister) if she had any photos of him when he was younger. I later regretted this request when she handed me an A4 black and white photo of the most beautiful little four year old boy I had ever seen. A boy that was full of promise but ended up looking like a tramp at the end of his life.
The fact that your husband is retired is a problem because he can drink in the evenings and sleep it off the next day when you are at work which must be really upsetting for you. Who am I to say what you should do but one thing's for sure, you're right, he needs to give up the alcohol completely. If he's not prepared to do that for you then you have your answer. If he's still at a stage where you can reach him, in the sense that he will listen to you, you have some chance but if not, get out and make a better life for yourself before it's too late.
Come back and tell us how you get on. We will be here for you albeit remotely.
I truly wish you all the best xxx.