@gotaproblemnow Growing up with an alcoholic parent can leave very deep scars. What you describe, the dread of waiting for someone to come home drunk and unpredictable, is a recognised pattern in adult children of alcoholics. The fact that you still feel that fear decades later does not mean you are irrational. Your emotional reaction is understandable, and it sounds as though you have been very clear with your husband from the start about this particular trigger. That's your first issue.
Second issue: his drinking. Based purely on your account, I don't think it's fair to dismiss everything as "your issue". He drinks daily, structures gifts and social life around alcohol, and has a monthly episode of significant intoxication. More importantly, you say he becomes unpleasant when drunk, sneering at and mocking you. Whether or not he meets a clinical definition of alcoholism, his drinking is clearly causing problems in your marriage.
The question "Why can't he just have one or two?" is interesting. Many people genuinely can. Some people cannot, either because they have developed dependence, have a habit of drinking heavily in certain situations, or simply don't see a reason to stop once they've started. His repeated failure over many years to stay within limits you has requested suggests this isn't just a one-off lapse.
But we can't assume one person must be entirely right and the other entirely wrong.
It is possible that your childhood experiences make you more sensitive to drinking than the average person. His drinking is genuinely excessive and damaging to the relationship. Both things are true simultaneously.
The fact that you poured the alcohol away tells me you have reached the end of your tolerance rather than being calmly objective in that moment. It wasn't a constructive response, but it sounds like the action of someone who has felt unheard for years rather than someone reacting to a single drunken evening.
If I were looking at the marriage as a whole, the biggest red flag isn't actually the quantity of alcohol. It's that you say "It's always been the only thing we argue about." and "Despite this he has consistently done it."
For decades he has known exactly why this behaviour is distressing to you and has chosen not to change it. Equally, you have spent decades hoping he will change when he apparently has no intention of doing so.
You almost certainly have unresolved trauma from your father, but that doesn't automatically mean your concerns about your husband's drinking are invalid. Your trauma explains the intensity of her reaction; his drinking explains why the conflict keeps occurring. They are separate problems that continuously reinforce each other. But the fact is he entered the marriage knowing about your trauma and agreeing to keep his drinking reasonable, but did you clarify what "reasonable" was?
On the face of it, one night out a month doesn't sound bad but if he is having 4 tins fo bear a day to get him moving then that is a problem.
I'd be sitting down and working out what you knew he used to drink when you were younger versus what he drinks now, because as sure as eggs is eggs, he will say he is drinking reasonably, so you need to show how it has changed as he will claim its the bee in your bonnet that is the issue. Maybe also work out how much he is spending in relation to your budget and hit him with that too.
My response would be, well this is what you used to drink and this is what you ar e now drinking so its changed and its no longer reasonable if it ever has been and regardless, I can't cope with it any longer, these are the options, but don't make a threat unless you are going to follow through with it.
Can I ask if anyone else thinks he drinks too much and can you have a quiet word with the people that buy him bottles to ease back on it?
How much is he drinking on a normal day?