Husband drunk again and I’ve emptied the house of drink

[gotaproblemnow]

I grew up with an alcoholic father who caused such misery. One of the terrors was when he went out just for a pint and then hours went by and we all got more and more fearful waiting for him to come home and unleash hell. Even with years of counselling that core fear is still there.

When I met by DH I said then that moderate drinking didn’t bother me but him going out unexpectedly for hours and coming home drunk did as it kicks in that fear of waiting. I don’t like him drunk as he sneers and laughs at me. Despite this he has consistently done it and I’ve put up with it. It’s always been the only thing we argue about. I’ve even locked him out in the past but it made no difference.

He’s 67 now and retired for four years and everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day but doesn’t get drunk just always topped up. All his presents from family are always bottles of whisky or beer.

Once a month he goes out and comes back really drunk and did it again tonight despite me asking him to limit it to a few. I just saw red when he came back and grabbed all his many many bottles and poured it all down the toilet as he slumped drunk. I’ve had enough. When he sobers up tomorrow I’m telling him there’s to be no more drink in the house or I’m leaving.

I’m 10 years younger with a good career and earn my own money so not financially dependent. Both children are grown up and have their own lives.

AIBU? He says he isn’t an alcoholic and most people do this and I’m overreacting but I think he can’t control himself. Or am I blinded by my own fears? Why can’t he just have one or two?

Why on earth are you with this man? Get rid

I agree with this, he’s going to be furious.

He’s not going to change, this sounds an established pattern of daily drinking.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4497210-Partner-does-not-want-me-to-drink

may be useful if you can get him to read this

He is a serious alcoholic who has very likely already done critical damage to himself. He can’t stop drinking now even if he wants to.

I mean this with all compassion but I don’t really understand, given your childhood and how advanced his drinking is, how you have allowed this to go on as long as it has?

Obviously you need to leave him: he probably won’t live that much longer and you don’t want to be a carer for someone with end stage alcohol induced disease. But you also need a lot of therapy to understand why you have been drawn into a relationship which mimics that if your parents.

Its too late for him but you could start again. Please do it.

BECAUSE HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC
Surely you can see that after your life experiences with your father and with him for many years?
It's really sad that you have lived with this for so long. You don't actually have to, you could leave him and live alone and free from this.

Please call Al Anon - for anyone affected by alcoholic partners or other friends/family. They helped me when I was in a similar situation with my DH. I did see that I was enabling his behaviour by sweeping it under the carpet - “ dad likes a drink!” And I used to find hidden vodka bottles and pour them away. I finally did issue a “ me or the booze” ultimatum after one more ruined family event and meant it. He did get support, apologised to the family , and fortunately has now been 6+ years alcohol free and is healthier and happier. Its one day at a time but it can be done.

I think you need therapy to work out why you married a man exactly like your Dad and stayed with him all your life. That is so sad.

He is an alcoholic. But unless he wants to change he will simply go and buy more drink.

The onus is on you as to what you do next, for you

I suppose that retirement has made things worse, boredom, no responsibilities, lack of friends etc. Are there any ways you could try to improve those factors?

I don't think you should threaten to leave him, if you then don't go through with it you have lost all credibility and not warning him does not mean you can't just walk out.

Chances are he’s going to develop some health problems / illnesses in next few years. Would you be able to support / care for someone who is doing so little to look after their own health?

I’d leave if I were you - fundamental incompatibility of lifestyle

For those saying how can OP not have realised he’s an alcoholic: when you grow up seeing the extreme version of an alcoholic, it can be really hard to recognise that anything less than that is also alcoholism, even if it seems obvious to others. It sounds like her DH wasn’t always this bad, he isn’t violent, and it has got worse over time. While of course there will have been warning signs, it’s not like she met someone just like her dad and decided to marry him.

The key point OP is that you are starting to recognise it now, and so you know you have to do something. As someone else pointed out, I hope you’re safe when he realises that you’ve ditched all the alcohol in the house. Be prepared for him to just disappear out to the pub or wherever. Use the time to make a plan - it’s not easy to leave or to get rid but seek some advice, make some phone calls and take your life back.

“he is snarky and it makes me feel fearful”

And that’s no way to live, OP, and if he’s in his sixties and retired, he’s not going to change now. I can understand your dilemma: you’ve been together a long time and raised a family together - but it’s time to look at the situation and decide what you want for you. The thing about alcoholism is that it happens gradually - you only notice when it gets bad, or impacts daily life, which it sounds as though it has. Are your declining years to be spent watching him getting drunk, and then ill, or is now the time to get out and make a change? Only you can answer that, OP, but as you have said, “everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day.” And don’t necessarily leave - make him leave. You are entitled to half of everything: don’t let him guilt you into accepting less.

At 67 he has done well to avoid health issues but they will be coming and OP will be his carer. I wouldn't have put up with the years of drinking. He has to want to change but doubt he will now

@gotaproblemnow he is clearly an alcoholic.

I think it needs to be NO alcohol at all or he leaves given he cannot stop at one.

I would make hom choose between you or alcohol.

And no one drinks 2 pints before a 6am flight. Or no normal person anyway!

You told him what your red line was when you first got together with him and he has crossed that line every single day. I'm very surprised that you haven't already left him. You are younger than him and still working and independent so you should definitely end your marriage now.

Giving him an ultimatum won't work. His health will deteriorate and you will be stuck looking after a man that treats you with contempt.

Please don’t waste any more of your precious life on this nasty man.

He is an alcoholic , he will drink himself to an early grave. Some serious health problems for him are likely just around the corner. Unless you want to care for him through these you need to put yourself first and exit the relationship.
He will not change, he sounds as though he has no insight into his drinking and no consideration of the impact on you. Addiction is selfish and he is an addict.
Sorry you are going through this , it isn't your fault and you can choose a road ahead that is right for you - you can only save yourself here .

I imagine this thread is a difficult read @gotaproblemnow. I hope you are ok.

I agree that he might get angry when he realises that all his booze has gone. Please make sure you are safe.

I know it's easy to say from an outside perspective, but please do think about leaving him. You shouldn't have to live with a man who sneers and laughs at you and makes you feel unsafe.

Don't feel obligated to him or guilty - please start prioritising your own needs and wants.

Wishing you all the best

It is absolutely okay to have a boundary of an alcohol free home - you deserve it, and the little girl who spent her childhood watching the clock in fear of a drunk man deserves it too. You spent your precious childhood in fear of drunk people - you are the adult now and you can protect yourself from this.

He has the right to choose to spend the rest of his life drunk. You have the right to choose to decide you're not going to stay and watch that happen.

But please be careful. I absolutely understand the motivation behind getting rid of all the booze but it doesn't help as they'll just go out and get more. More importantly, getting between an alcoholic and their need for drink can be a genuinely dangerous place to be. I got physically attacked for doing that.

I think you know in your heart what you want to do next?

FWIW that amount of alcohol consumption is going to start having an effect on his body soon. With your age gap I wouldn't want to be deal with all those issues as I come up to retirement myself.

I hope you are ok OP. A drinking problem is by definition when drinking is causing problems to state the obvious. His wife is thinking of leaving over it so that is definitely a problem. It sounds as if he give zero fucks about the impact upon you, which is very definitely a problem. You need to have a serious think what you want from life OP as I fear this will not change. He isn’t showing you any signs he wants to change.

I'm sorry that you've had to put up with this for so long. Well done for finding the strength to call time on his outrageous behaviour!
Stay strong - you are absolutely right he has a problem with alcohol - not you!

He wont give up unless he wants too, hiding his booze wont work he will buy more. You may have to threaten to leave him to make him stop if it really is you or the booze then you have no choice to do this. Good luck to both xx

Regarding your ultimatum: if you tell him there’s to be no more drinking in the house or you’re leaving, you’re effectively saying you’re leaving because there always will be drink in the house.

You might as well actually engage with that now: join Al Anon, see a couple of solicitors, start thinking about where you would live and what your life would look like apart,