Husband drunk again and I’ve emptied the house of drink

[gotaproblemnow]

I grew up with an alcoholic father who caused such misery. One of the terrors was when he went out just for a pint and then hours went by and we all got more and more fearful waiting for him to come home and unleash hell. Even with years of counselling that core fear is still there.

When I met by DH I said then that moderate drinking didn’t bother me but him going out unexpectedly for hours and coming home drunk did as it kicks in that fear of waiting. I don’t like him drunk as he sneers and laughs at me. Despite this he has consistently done it and I’ve put up with it. It’s always been the only thing we argue about. I’ve even locked him out in the past but it made no difference.

He’s 67 now and retired for four years and everything revolves around drinking. He drinks every day but doesn’t get drunk just always topped up. All his presents from family are always bottles of whisky or beer.

Once a month he goes out and comes back really drunk and did it again tonight despite me asking him to limit it to a few. I just saw red when he came back and grabbed all his many many bottles and poured it all down the toilet as he slumped drunk. I’ve had enough. When he sobers up tomorrow I’m telling him there’s to be no more drink in the house or I’m leaving.

I’m 10 years younger with a good career and earn my own money so not financially dependent. Both children are grown up and have their own lives.

AIBU? He says he isn’t an alcoholic and most people do this and I’m overreacting but I think he can’t control himself. Or am I blinded by my own fears? Why can’t he just have one or two?

Most people don’t do that, but that’s not the point. This about him and you and your relationship, not other people’s normality.

He is choosing something else over you. And I think you know he always will. You don’t need to accept that if you have an option that will make you happier x

You know that it's not normal to drink a couple of pints at 6 in the morning at an airport and completely untrue that 'everybody does it', as well as all the other lies he tells you about alcohol to make you feel stupid and that you're the problem. HE is the problem, not you. He's an alcoholic, and he will never get better, unfortunately. He loves the drink more than he loves you, more than anything else. I hope you're OK having thrown away his supply - he's likely to be very, very angry about this. Brace yourself, and make plans to be safe and get away. Like other PPs, I think you should plan to leave. This will not change. I'm sorry for the life you led as a child and the life you have now

You grew up seeing an alcoholic parent and now your with an alcoholic for a husband. That’s not entirely coincidental.

Did your mum remain with your dad?. Look at what your parents taught you about relationships when you were growing up. A shed full of damaging lessons.

You have a choice even now re this man and your best option is to leave this man before you are further dragged down with him. Like with your own father, his primary relationship is with drink and not you. It’s never been with you either. What you have tried to date has not worked and will not ever work. You’re in a destructive codependent relationship with him and you’re being dragged down. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism and it’s also called the family disease for good reason. You’re profoundly affected by these men’s alcoholism.

You might find this thread helpful - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5557278-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking-thread-6

I was going to say the same thing. Even in my 20s this wasn't normal.

I'm in my 40s now and don't know anyone who gets drunk anymore. Most of us have cut back to virtually nothing.

Drinking two pints that early at an airport is not only abnormal but shows a total lack of self awareness.

He is an alcohlic OP - but then you know that don't you?
My chief concern is your husband sneering at you, that is really horrible and shows his true feelings towards you.
What do the children have to say, I really hope they support you.

He's an alcoholic OP. Once again you are living with an alcoholic man. And he is in serious denial. Pouring away the drink won't help, he can always get more.
Can you endure this for the rest of your life? If not, you need to look at what will change things. Eg, you could ask him to go to AA meetings and see his GP about support with giving up, and if he doesn't follow through, work out how to leave him.

It is. And the older the couple gets the more noticeable it is.

And then, being 10 years younger, you’ll end up being his career while he suffers from alcohol related liver damage or another condition.

I just saw red when he came back and grabbed all his many many bottles and poured it all down the toilet

Op, I hope you're OK, and that the above doesn't have any consequences for you when he goes looking for those drinks later. Stay safe!

But if the husband were healthy and active, went running daily, was kind to op etc, nobody would be saying "oooh it's a glaring age gap!" It's his lifestyle which is making the 10 years appear worse. He will rapidly decline at that age, and yes will appear older and sicker.

I work with a guy who's 73 and you'd never know it, as he's happy, healthy, travels a lot for work, and keeps busy. Bet an age gap with someone like him wouldn't be sniffed at.

I don't really get what you hope to achieve having emptied the house of drink. You know what he's like. He won't change. He's got worse and worse and you've put up with it. Nothing you do or say will make any difference to his drinking. You need to accept the reality and leave him if you want a different life. If you stay, this is what you've signed up for.

He won’t change. I grew up in a similar household and relate to the fear of waiting for a drunk father to get home. I couldn’t put up with this.

My neighbour’s partner is the same. He’s an alcoholic. They’re meant to be getting married soon. At least once a week there’s a blazing row (we live in a small terraced house so can hear it all) because he’s hammered again and has wet the bed or something equally as grim. Last night I was getting home at around 6 pm and he was stumbling down the road with the dog drunk then couldn’t get in through his own front door. Depressing. His partner keeps forgiving him (as did my mum), giving ultimatums then the whole thing starts again a week later.

I certainly wouldn’t want to be living like that. He won’t change. You deserve better.

He's an alcoholic, and that won't change unless HE wants it to.

It's also total nonsense what he says about "most people do this". Untrue. Of the people I know well enough to know their drinking habits, the vast majority of them are very minimal, social drinkers only. Many of them are tee-total completely.

OP I am previously alcohol dependent.
You can give it up if you want to.
I was 56 so not a kid.
Alcoholics are liars and once they start drinking they don't care much for anything else. They have excuses and tricks to hide their dependantcy. Old drunks are the worst because it was a big part of the 1980s and 1990s culture. They don't see the problem like younger generations.

I'd give him an ultimatum. Clean up your act or you're leaving. My husband didn't do this but my son did. Neither of my DC drink because of me.
Buy the book 'one for the road' by sober Dave. Very enlightening and written from the male perspective.
I had nearly a years therapy. It was life changing. I believe 27% of alcoholics have childhood trauma. AA works well for men. It is pretty much a lads club. He's got plenty of time on his hands.

Fwiw I lost my younger brother. He had kidney failure through an accident. Had he not been an alcoholic he would have survived. I partly gave up to give him my kidney.
My marriage improved ten fold after I gave up the booze.
If you love him, help him but take no prisoners. Drunks need tough love. And two pints at breakfast is definitely not normal.

He's full of shit. I haven't rolled into the house drunk for at least 10 years. I'm not anti getting drunk but I'm never THAT drunk. I very much enjoy a drink though. In public or at home. In company or alone.

Your husband sounds JUST like my ExH. I left him due to his drinking. His 2nd wife is currently on the verge of doing the same. And he STILL says he doesn't have a problem.

Leave him and enjoy the rest of your life. I look at my ex now and pity his wife. I was young enough to get out. She's your husband's age. I wouldn't want to overthrow my life in my late 60s.

The excuses a drunk will come up with are legion. Your DH uses "everybody does it" and gas lights you. My DH has many as well, but he is only really lying to himself. "I have had a hard day" (tbf he usually really has but if you are trying to cut down on your drinking that's irrelevant really) "I can't go in the gym as I have hurt my back so might as well drink/it's the weekend/I didn't drink last night/I won't drink tomorrow night/noone starts stopping drinking on a Thursday/I can't sleep if I don't drink/it helps me sleep and I really need a good night's rest/I won't have a hangover if I only drink this/you have no idea what I drink sometimes, this is nothing in comparison/you can't talk you had a drink last night/I'm not exactly an alcoholic I don't wake up and reach for a bottle of vodka" honestly, there are a bazillion.

He is an alcoholic. I'm also the daughter of two alcoholic parents both of whom are now dead through drink. You get one life. Don't waste another minute on a man who is in denial and will never change. I briefly dated someone last year and saw the patterns and my gut told me to end it. Your gut has been telling you for years. Honour the feeling and take back your life. Good luck 🤞

Don't bother with ultimatums to someone who has spent every day for years telling you the drink is more important to him than you are. They won't work. Just leave, before the health problems take over and you become his nurse.

Leave now and you may have 30 years of a happy life without an alcoholic father or husband to drag you down.
Also consider more therapy for yourself - living for years with alcoholics takes its toll. Also learn what to look out for in your DC and talk to them about it - addiction susceptibility runs in families and they have grown up around an alcoholic.

My Aunt married an obvious alcoholic 12 years older than her (not sure the age gap is particularly relevant), she dealt with it in her own way by also becoming an alcoholic eventually, in the meantime my cousins had a miserable life.

I dated seriously for years a man in my thirtoes who has an obvious drink problem (he was banned because of drink driving when I met him though I obviously wasn't aware of that at first).

He would get so drunk that he had no memory of what he'd done at least every other week and generally once a week. He once asked if I thought he had a drink problem and because he'd asked me straight out, I said yes. "That's just becasue you hardly drink" which was true at that point.

I pointed out that every person I knew drank and I didn't think any of them had a drink problem.

Suddenly one day I woke up and thought "Is this what i want my life to be like?"

IS it OP? Is this what you want your life to be like. Because you can't change other people on your reaction to them.

sorry OP but just pouring the drink away is not going to make a scrap of difference. soon as you go to work he will be down the pub or the shop. because as you already know, alcohol is more important to him than you are. you need not to just give him an ultimatum but to ask him to leave. start getting your ducks in a row now, financially and for things like pensions etc. he will NEVER change unless and until HE wants to. nothing you say or do will make any difference now. prepare your kids that this is coming but again in all honesty they will already know he has a problem and probably wont be that surprised. dont stay with him a minute longer than you need to. he has shown you what he thinks of you so trust it and get out whilst you can still have a good life.

Most people do not do this.

I'd leave him to it and leave him.

OP

There is no point in all your bargaining, pleading, threatening, cajoling etc. People don’t change unless they want to and they are able to - and this goes double for addicts. Your DH does not want to change his behaviour, and at this stage he probably would struggle to be able to, even if he did want to.

why are you still there? you are young enough to make a good life without him.

Daughter of a alcoholic here. I won't allow any alcohol in my house at all and DH mum was one too so thankfully he has the same view as it as me.
He won't change because he doesn't see it as a problem.
No amount of asking, begging, pleading, ultimatums, emptying bottles etc will do anything my love....he has to do it himself.

I don’t get why?

You don't need to understand why. There is no understanding to be had.

Are you imagining that if you could understand why then that would be the key to changing his behaviour? Because that is just not how alcoholism works - there is no key and no way of changing him.

You just need to leave him.