Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

Tell her. Surprised you’d want to remain friends with someone who bad mouthed you and your child behind your back.

When someone shows you who they are believe them!

You no longer trust her so your friendship is forever changed. I couldn’t just carry on and pretend it never happened, you will be guarded in your every interaction and she will probably notice. The only way to maybe salvage this is to talk to her about it.

Why would her husband go off kilter from you dropping her? He obviously already knows how she feels about you.

I'd drop her and if/ when she asks why, simply quote her a few of the highlights from what you heard her say.

How hurtful of her to badmouth you and your daughter. I'd tell her that you heard what she said and that it's made you rethink the whole friendship so, she won't be hearing from you until you decide how to handle it.
Her husbands mental health is not really a reason to continue a friendship you don't want to.

I think it depends on what was actually said. Or how it was said.

Why are you still prioritising this person and their family over yourself when she clearly has such a low opinion of you? When someone shows you who they really are, believe them!

I would send her a message along the lines of “Hi [name], after our last phone call you accidentally left me a voice message which captured you saying various derogatory comments about me and about my family, and as a result, I no longer trust you or want to be your friend. I wish you well for the future but I will be blocking your number and ask that you respect my decision and don’t try to contact me via other means.”

You don’t live near her anymore, and I appreciate her and her husband have difficulties.
We can all make the odd comment about a friend to a partner or spouse, but this feels different. She’s basically been slagging you, your family and your daughter off the moment she’s got off the phone from you.
I could take a bit of personal criticism but the rest I could not.
Stop concerning yourself their welfare. It’s not your job to offer this man stability by keeping this friendship going.
And I speak as someone with significant health issues.
Personally, I think it’s time to move on. Don’t be bullied or cowed into a friendship because you feel telling the truth would cause too much hurt.
I would also tell her. And that your trust in her is broken. If she’d said ‘oh Claire did my head in a again she was moaning about her split ends’ fair enough.
But going for your family and daughter, for no reason, not a chance on earth would I say one more word.

You’ve only heard a brief snapshot of what she really thinks
I don’t see why you just wouldn’t end this friendship
I just sent her a big text saying exactly what happened to you heard everything she said. I’m rather than a big drama.
You considered this in your friendship and wishing you the best please don’t contact me

Do you want to be friends with someone who thinks about you like that? I’d tell her that she left an accidental answer phone message on your phone after she hung up last night which has upset you.

Slag me off? Fine
My children? No

We all at times criticise things our friends have done behind their backs, but your comments suggest that this is more serious. I would not sweep this under the carpet. You can withdraw slowly over time, or tell her and exit the friendship now - your choice.

And make sure she knows you’ve got the recording as otherwise she’ll deny it.

I would tell her that I know you’d never intentionally tell me the stuff you said about me and my family to your DH after our phone call the other day but I did hear it and I’m upset by it and wished you’d of told me how you felt so I didn’t have to hear it over voicemail

I guess there's a slim chance that if you're autistic you have perceived the things she said in a more critical way than she meant them if you've taken them very literally and they weren't literal. But that is me being extremely generous to her.

I don't really understand why you're worried about upsetting the balance in her family when she's made you feel absolutely shite. I don't mean you should make her feel bad for the sake of it but making her feel embarrassed by telling her what SHE SAID is not that. Very difficult to continue this relationship without compromising on your own feelings and you shouldn't do that.

I’d send her a message saying “I received your accidental voicemail last night after our call and you were correct that that your options of me and family would be very hurtful”
then you can leave it at that if you want her to apologise or you can ask her not to contact you again. I’d be devastated if I heard my friend talk like that to me but if you don’t say something youll be frosty as fuck. You could call her and tell her over the phone and see how she reacts..

I think it is one of those situations where you now know something that you didn't know before, and you cannot un-know it, and it changes things....

It is a mark of maturity to be changed by the things we know.

You know that she is two faced, you ought not to trust her.

It read to me as though you do a lot for her. But she is not who you thought she was.

I would have a think, and work out how I feel about the new information.

People can be so shit sometimes.

I think I would message her to say that you and a missed call and a pocket dial.

I wouldn't get into he said, she said, I heard ...

But I would cool it. Sounds like you are doing all the work anyway with the friendship. But yep. When kids are involved I am a fierce mama and there is no way I could go back on that.

Tell her that you heard her conversation and tell her how hurt you are by her duplicity.

I’m not sure how to vote - you would be unreasonable to ignore this happened. Her husband’s mental health is not your responsibility and she’s shown she doesn’t care about you really, you’re just a free therapist.

Also she could slag me off but the second my kid was involved? She’d be blocked so fast.

You are happy to ignore someone’s mean comments about your daughter?

Well if she talks about you in a way that is offensive or upset you why care how she takes it.
I would tell her.

I'm not a perfect person and I'd expect all my friends could have some choice words about me to their spouses. So for me this would depend on how awful what she said was:

'Dairy is always taking on too much then whining about it- drives me crazy.'
= perfectly acceptable and true, wouldn't be offended and would try to take it onboard and whinge less with this friend.

'Dairy is a pain in the ass, a terrible mother, ive no idea why we are still friends'
= absolutely not, the friendship is over, I'd tell her why too.

It's totally down to what you heard imo.

You could keep it factual. She accidentally pocket dialled you and you heard what she thought about your family. That you want to take some time away from her and won’t be in contact.

i wouldn’t concern myself with the mental health of her husband. If the friendship was so key to her well-being and in result his well-being she should have treasured it a bit more rather than treating it with such contempt.