Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

This is a good point, what did she actually say?

I suspect that their mental health will be fine if that's how they really feel. Perhaps you both feel like you are doing each other a favour by remaining in contact.

I would send her the recording of the voice message then block her. Nothing else to say. She admitted in the message that it was hurtful.

I had this once but it was my own mum!! I was furious and sulked for ages. BUT! Over the years I have come to realise that I do it as well about my own kids and others. Not in a vicious or vindictive way it could be 'bloody hell she's got a cheek always asking me to look after her dog' 'she should get him out of nappies now' or 'he need to stop moaning and get another job' this is always to my husband ONLY

or somesuch other meaningless drivel that I would never say irl.

We all do this. I’d overlook it.

It’s so sad when a friend disappoints you like this. I think I’d just send her the recording, with a short message saying, “I got this message on my answerphone, and I’d like to hear your comments,” and leave it at that. Through no fault of your own, I fear it may be the end of a beautiful friendship 😟

How I’d play it is to tell her that you had a voicemail from her immediately after the call this week. Let her work it out for herself.

You’re not responsible for either her embarrassment or her husband’s mental health. She’s the one whose actions ended the friendship, not you.

Just make yourself unavailable - withdraw (you can’t take her call next week, you’re not making plans to meet). You’ve given her the reason why without getting into a slanging match or being gaslit ‘No, I didn’t say/mean that’, which will only make you feel worse and prolong the agony of no longer trusting her.

Just ignore her rather than ignore and gloss over the event and carry on - the friendship is over, you can’t gloss over what happened or unhear what you heard.

This is sad to read, there seems to be a huge level of co-dependency here, perhaps more so on her part OP? You don’t need to give anyone an hour a week on the phone. Or be the one who always travels.

Perhaps be honest, say you heard what was said and you need some time and you’ll be in touch when or if you’re ready.

I would send her the recording with a message saying "I don't think you intended me to hear this but I was really shocked".

Friendship would probably be over for me anyway unless the comments were very mild/jokey.

Any relationship in order to be good has to have trust and respect.

Seems like that's gone.

This. The free therapist leaped out at me. It seems possible this is really the case.

I couldn't view anyone in the same light after hearing that sort of thing. You wouldn't be wrong to cool the friendship. You're also not in any way responsible for the mental health of her DH either so don't take that on board.

First post nails it for me OP. She's not the person you think she is, how could you trust her after this? I'd be honest with her and let the friendship go.

I think we all have to accept that people talk about us behind our backs, especially to partners, and you can't control what other people think or say about you. I sometimes have a fairly lighthearted, meaningless moan to my partner about my best friend and her choices in life. If that friend heard this she probably would be hurt but there's no malevolence in what I'm saying - and in turn she moans to me about another friend who again, if she heard, would be hurt - and so on. So unless what your friend said is truly despicable, I would perhaps distance myself for a short time while trying to get past what you heard (I'm not belittling how you feel - I'm sensitive and would be the same) - and you can evaluate whether losing the friendship entirely is what you want. But I would not let her know you heard.

It’s never nice to hear someone talking unedited about you, and I think in this situation, you should allow yourself to feel how you feel.

But I also think your friend said these things about and not to you. She has hurt you, albeit not deliberately.

only you know what you heard and whether you can move past it. I do think you aren’t being fair on yourself to have to shoulder the upset because you’re worried about the impact on your friends life. The fact is her words have impacted the foundation your believed your friendship were built on, so even if you pretend it didn’t happen, I’m not sure things would be the same.

can you forward a voicemail? Maybe you could send it back to her, and say that you obviously weren’t meant to hear this, but you have and you don’t know how to feel about it? Put the ball in her court, and see what her reaction is. That will be quite telling

I think you're right here - I think most of us say things to our partner about friends that we would never say to them, and it doesn't necessarily mean we don't like the friend.

I did have one friend who seemed very negative about other people in her life when talking to me, and I did then find myself wondering what she was saying about me to other people. It wasn't like I was her closest friend or anything, so it felt like she was bad-mouthing her friends to anyone. That seems a bit different.

Here, we don't know exactly what was said, so I don't think we can judge, but I do think you're right that it is not unusual behaviour, and might be forgiven.

Forward the message back to her and block the number. not your problem.

@NewGrandmummy
Shes not your friend.
Shes made derogatory comments about you, your family and your DD.

We all have private thoughts about our friends and their lives/issues but if her DH didn't sound shocked then it's probably not the first time she's slated you.

Very kind of you to consider her DH mental health but are you sure you don't want to say anything because you don't want the confrontation, thats very understandable.

Personally I'd message her as a pp suggested, let her know what you've heard and say you're taking a break to process it.

Don't let it slide, it could end up affecting your peace of mind, it'll hang between you, things will never be the same again

What did she actually say, OP? Some moaning about friends is normal. I have often said things like 'I wish Sue would stop giving her son money when he rings with a hard luck story, he will never learn to budget. She's lost the plot on this issue. ' . My friend might be shocked if she knew, but it doesn't mean I don't love her and care about her son.

If a 'friend' bad-mouthed my child, she'd not be my friend anymore. Just text her what you heard and tell her you're not interested in her kind of friendship. Then block her.

I’d have to say something. Even a text to say that she somehow left you a voicemail and you heard what she said. Nothing more. See what she says.

I’d also be interested to hear the level of criticism. There are some home truths I could tolerate being said about me to a friend venting to their partner privately and some stuff that’s just unacceptable.

I agree that forwarding the voicemail could be the way to go. Ball’s in her court.

Good point.

Have you still got the message? Maybe re-listen to it in the cold light of day, and just see whether it was a general summary of the conversation, or actual criticism.

If you feel you can no longer like or trust her, just don’t be available for the calls, or make them shorter etc. Also, who’s the one initiating the calls? If it’s always you, then don’t phone her one month and see whether she bothers to phone you.

(I’ve stopped messaging a couple of people last year when I realised I always I always initiated meet-ups etc. Not heard from them since).

Tell her you had an accidental voice mail from her after the call and you were hurt by it. She has shown her true feelings. It also sounds like she is using you - you aren’t responsible for her or her husband. I’d end the friendship.

That's an idea. It's out in the open and Friend can explain or apologise or whatever.

Tell her. Then at least she knows you have a good reason for not being as close any more.

Send her the recording. Then she knows you know and there’s no need for a conversation or for you to explain distancing yourself. There’s also no need to “tell her husband”. If the recording is of her talking with her husband then he already knows what she is like.