Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

Will she not see the message in her messages sent?

Someone once sent me a message that was about me, not meant for me. I saw it before she deleted it. I messaged back and then have never spoken to her, or the person it was meant for, again.
Don’t need back stabbing ‘friends’ in my life!

I think writing something and sending it is very different to this situation. Writing something is more reflective, if someone writes in a private journal that is fine but sending an email is very different as it’s outside the home. In this case what was said was in the persons own home to their partner which is not in my view backstabbing .

You are being unreasonable on yourself. You should tell her calmly. Say I heard the things you said and I’m really hurt by then, but I understand that sometimes people just vent etc.

I think the age matters, actually. In older age a lot of people tend to become more fretful/judgemental and haven't so much to distract them. I'd weigh up whether she was being frankly horrid or just misreading your life in a slightly negative way.

But you can have the opinions about friends that you share with your partner to off load that no way on earth would you share with your friend.

You can be friends and have feeling abut situations or their family that they wouldnt like to hear so you dont say anything.

Doesnt mean she isnt a good friend. Just disagrees with some of the things in your life..

Being generous, she may have been simply letting off steam. It may not be noble, but humans are complicated.

I don't think I could be silent about it though - I'd have to clear the air. It does also depend on exactly what she said. Based on the last update, it doesn't sound like a fireable offence, to be honest.

You can forward the voicemail and leave your own at the same time saying “as I now know what you think of me I think it’s best we don’t continue this fake friendship”

100% tell her

Tell her. You sound a bit too concerned about how she might overreact and this might impact her husband. Weird.

Actually your judgment on this makes me wonder whether what you say about your family is also weirdly tinted but it doesn't matter because she's supposed to be your friend but isn't speaking about you like a friend should.

Agree with this.

(And for those saying “once someone comments on my kids, the friendship is over” - I have a friend whose adult son is emotionally abusive to her. Those are her words, not mine. If she bugged my house, she’d hear me being pretty rude about her son.)

Hell I've had relatives saying such stuff to my face! 😂 Very disrespectful and judgmental, but you feel sorry due to the age factor. Unfortunately it has changed those relationships for me also, though they probably don't even realise.

I don't think her comment (from what you've explained) sound derogatory, more just not in line with how you think of it yourself? Sounds like she may just feels you aren't getting as much from your family as you should. The "I would never tell her it would be too hurtful" comment makes me wonder if you are perhaps not as aware of how you might come across when you talk about them?

I have a couple of friends who I like, but they are very different from me. To a large extent I like that, diversity really enriches my life. But I do still find them hard work because we're so different. After we've chatted to one of them, I might make a comment to my DH about some aspect we don't see eye to eye on, especially if I've been biting my tongue because she will find my perspective hurtful. It's not that I don't love her or generally think she's great, but we are not of one mind and she can be sensitive, so if I can't voice it to her, I might voice it to DH. (I know she is similarly a bit nonplussed at some of my life too, but also holds her tongue). In this case ignoring probably works best.

But this isn't definitely what's happening. I think there are quite a lot of people who have friends they sort of look down on. Makes them feel better about themselves. If this is the case, honestly, I'm with those saying you should just dump her.

Quite!

Agree with this - if this man’s MH is impacted by his wof’es behaviour, then it is HER responsibility to manage her behaviour.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who badmouths my kids - I am also autistic/ADHD, as are my children, but that doesn’t mean we should lower the standard of respect or loyalty that we expect from our friends, just that it probably cuts deeper when they betray our trust.

This OP. She is not your friend. Why on earth would you think someone who spoke about you and your child this way is your friend. If this is a friend I shudder to think what your enemies are like.

Tell her you know & then just don't speak to her again. Calling your daughter a failure?! That's unforgivable and I could never get past that. And I wouldn't particularly give a damn about the consequences she faces as a result of her actions.

Think about everything else you've told her... Now imagine the bitching she has done behind your back.

Have you ever spoken negatively about her to anyone?
I love my family and friends to bits but sometimes they frustrate me and I tell my husband so.

Hi OP, this is a tough one.

It really depends on what you want going forward. What do you get out of the friendship, other than confiding in her, which you understandably now wouldn’t want to do (e.g. chat to her about your kids)? What other friends do you have?

If you get a lot out of it, in terms of general companionship, chatting about things other than the personal, someone who’d be there in an hour of need, and you have no/few other close friends, I suggest carrying on.

Obvs, she’s broken your trust, so the friendship will never be quite the same again. That’s on her. But, as you say, nothing she said was that bad (she just sounds judgy and maybe a bit jealous?). And it was to her husband (who you say is also a good friend of yours) rather than to mutual friends in the village (though ofc there’s a risk she may do that too). Sadly, I think lots of women gossip about friends to their DPs. I always assume this with my friends, even though I never ever do so.

If you tell her, it may end the friendship anyway. She may feel so embarrassed and ashamed she can’t face you any more and cools it. And, as you say, this may affect her husband. Plus, you lose any benefits of the friendship.

If you end or cool the friendship but don’t tell her why, she’ll probably have no idea and it may really mess with her head. And it may be hard for you. So probably better to tell her if you want to cool or end the friendship.

IMHO, if you value the friendship, I wouldn’t tell her. Just be wary of what you confide in her. And just assume she gossips to her DH (and possibly others).

I’d probably see the funny side of the whole incident. But I prefer to laugh at what life throws up. I’m a “life’s too short” type of person and forgive mistakes by people I care about, rather than ‘take umbrage’ and hold grudges.

Adding I agree with @AmnesiacDream that the “I’d never tell her as it’d be too hurtful” shows how deeply she cares about you and is sensitive. She may feel your kids take advantage of you, but realises that’s her perspective, and doesn’t want to give her unsolicited opinion or advice. Which is being a good friend. People have very different perspectives on how much to support adult kids. Neither is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. But if she chooses to bite her tongue, it’s maybe a bit more understandable she offloads to her DH.

Tell her you heard everything and that’s she’s no longer your friend. Prioritise your daughter not your friend’s horrible husband. Your friend and her husband are cruel. I would confront and then go no contact with anyone who said nasty things about my dd!!

I’m not very techy but could you send the voicemail back to her together with a text saying you listened to this after your conversation on the phone? Then just leave it and see what happens. If she doesn’t respond, don’t contact her.

An interesting “policy”, how do you know it’s a pocket dial? If you can hear how can you not listen?

OP if you ignore it can you still have the same friendship with her and can you feel good about your friendship or will it drain you? Alternative is to ask her to explain herself. If you prefer your friendship to be honest and open tell her that so you can say your piece. If what she said was hurtful and mean then I personally wouldn’t be able to get over it. On the other hand she may have said somethings you didn’t want to hear.

Thank you for sharing this as it sums up how I'm feeling. Sorry about your daughter's struggles.

Possibly..... But she's really not very tech-savvy (obviously!).