Page 12 | Should I tell this friend what I now know?

NewGrandmummy · 2026-10-21T07:05:34+00:00

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week. In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other. Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified. So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me. Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before? Help!!!!!

cloudsandclouds · 22/10/2026 08:07

Miceintheattic · 21/10/2026 19:20

Listening to a voicemail left on your phone intentionally is not eavesdropping. Listening to a message on your phone not intended for you but that you didn't realise quickly wasnt for you isn't eavesdropping.

Listening to a voicemail when you realise it has been left by mistake and wasn't intended for your ears, without leavers knowledge or consent is eavesdropping.

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😂😂😂 What the fuck.

Original poster

NewGrandmummy · 22/10/2026 08:09

Chocolattecoffeecuppaa · 21/10/2026 21:52

Tell her. You sound a bit too concerned about how she might overreact and this might impact her husband. Weird.

Actually your judgment on this makes me wonder whether what you say about your family is also weirdly tinted but it doesn't matter because she's supposed to be your friend but isn't speaking about you like a friend should.

I really don't see why it's weird to care about the effect of my possible actions on someone else's mental health, especially when I know how ill he can become, and how quickly.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewGrandmummy · 22/10/2026 08:12

EdithBond · 22/10/2026 07:22

Hi OP, this is a tough one.

It really depends on what you want going forward. What do you get out of the friendship, other than confiding in her, which you understandably now wouldn’t want to do (e.g. chat to her about your kids)? What other friends do you have?

If you get a lot out of it, in terms of general companionship, chatting about things other than the personal, someone who’d be there in an hour of need, and you have no/few other close friends, I suggest carrying on.

Obvs, she’s broken your trust, so the friendship will never be quite the same again. That’s on her. But, as you say, nothing she said was that bad (she just sounds judgy and maybe a bit jealous?). And it was to her husband (who you say is also a good friend of yours) rather than to mutual friends in the village (though ofc there’s a risk she may do that too). Sadly, I think lots of women gossip about friends to their DPs. I always assume this with my friends, even though I never ever do so.

If you tell her, it may end the friendship anyway. She may feel so embarrassed and ashamed she can’t face you any more and cools it. And, as you say, this may affect her husband. Plus, you lose any benefits of the friendship.

If you end or cool the friendship but don’t tell her why, she’ll probably have no idea and it may really mess with her head. And it may be hard for you. So probably better to tell her if you want to cool or end the friendship.

IMHO, if you value the friendship, I wouldn’t tell her. Just be wary of what you confide in her. And just assume she gossips to her DH (and possibly others).

I’d probably see the funny side of the whole incident. But I prefer to laugh at what life throws up. I’m a “life’s too short” type of person and forgive mistakes by people I care about, rather than ‘take umbrage’ and hold grudges.

Edited

Thank you. The approach that you generally take is the same as mine, which is why I'm struggling with this - I want to be fair to both of us.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewGrandmummy · 22/10/2026 08:23

Again, thank you for the responses - I'm amazed by how many people have troubled to give their views.

To those saying that I was eavesdropping, I was not - by the time I realised that this wasn't actually a VN I'd heard enough.

To those still asking what was said, please click 'see all' at the bottom of my first post and you will see that I have detailed this.

To those saying that her husband's mental health is not my responsibility, I disagree: all of us should try to behave in a way that minimises potential harm to others, particularly to those who are vulnerable.

My friend (still pondering if that's now the right description) is very disabled, elderly, and extremely over-stretched by the organisation for which she volunteers - it's almost a full-time job, even at her age. She is also the full-time carer for her husband. I've decided not to add to her burdens by telling her what I now know; I am in a better place, mentally and physically, to absorb the fall-out from this. So I will carry on, but from a place of greater wisdom. The time between phone calls will stretch out and I will make myself less available for the two-hour journey (four hours return!) required to see her. And I will be VERY careful about what I share in future.

Again, my thanks.

OP posts:

Hellohelga · 22/10/2026 08:23

I think it seems a bit different now I know your friend is mid 70s. She’s probably bitter due to her struggles with her disability and her DH issues as well. I think rather than go nuclear and confront I’d just take a step back. Just visit and call a bit less and keep her as someone you catch up with now and then for old times sake.

ETA we cross posted but funnily enough said pretty much the same thing. You sound very kind.

KentCatLady · 22/10/2026 08:28

From your latest response, it is clear that you are a kind and compassionate lady. Your friend is lucky to have you and probably doesn’t deserve you!

LAMPS1 · 22/10/2026 08:30

NewGrandmummy · 22/10/2026 08:23

Again, thank you for the responses - I'm amazed by how many people have troubled to give their views.

To those saying that I was eavesdropping, I was not - by the time I realised that this wasn't actually a VN I'd heard enough.

To those still asking what was said, please click 'see all' at the bottom of my first post and you will see that I have detailed this.

To those saying that her husband's mental health is not my responsibility, I disagree: all of us should try to behave in a way that minimises potential harm to others, particularly to those who are vulnerable.

My friend (still pondering if that's now the right description) is very disabled, elderly, and extremely over-stretched by the organisation for which she volunteers - it's almost a full-time job, even at her age. She is also the full-time carer for her husband. I've decided not to add to her burdens by telling her what I now know; I am in a better place, mentally and physically, to absorb the fall-out from this. So I will carry on, but from a place of greater wisdom. The time between phone calls will stretch out and I will make myself less available for the two-hour journey (four hours return!) required to see her. And I will be VERY careful about what I share in future.

Again, my thanks.

That’s a very balanced and wise decision OP.

Silverbirchleaf · 22/10/2026 08:36

@NewGrandmummy Thats a good decision. Maintaining the friendship, but at a lower level.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 22/10/2026 08:38

NewGrandmummy · 22/10/2026 08:23

Again, thank you for the responses - I'm amazed by how many people have troubled to give their views.

To those saying that I was eavesdropping, I was not - by the time I realised that this wasn't actually a VN I'd heard enough.

To those still asking what was said, please click 'see all' at the bottom of my first post and you will see that I have detailed this.

To those saying that her husband's mental health is not my responsibility, I disagree: all of us should try to behave in a way that minimises potential harm to others, particularly to those who are vulnerable.

My friend (still pondering if that's now the right description) is very disabled, elderly, and extremely over-stretched by the organisation for which she volunteers - it's almost a full-time job, even at her age. She is also the full-time carer for her husband. I've decided not to add to her burdens by telling her what I now know; I am in a better place, mentally and physically, to absorb the fall-out from this. So I will carry on, but from a place of greater wisdom. The time between phone calls will stretch out and I will make myself less available for the two-hour journey (four hours return!) required to see her. And I will be VERY careful about what I share in future.

Again, my thanks.

I think that’s wise…

Jacopo · 22/10/2026 08:59

You sound lovely OP and that’s a very considerate and caring response. I’m glad that you are also setting some boundaries and looking after yourself as well. It’s a good idea to tell her a lot less about your life and family.
Although in your shoes I wouldn’t be able to resist dropping a hint or two about your daughter’s tax bracket!

Beachtastic · 22/10/2026 09:27

Well done OP!

To those saying that I was eavesdropping, I was not - by the time I realised that this wasn't actually a VN I'd heard enough.

I hope you hung up immediately once you realised it wasn't a VN, otherwise you should obviously hang your head in shame for violating GDPR (or something) (apparently) 🤣🤣

Calliopespa · 22/10/2026 09:40

I just wanted to comment on the gracious and level-headed way you have approached this thread op.

I'm sorry this happened. Something similar happened to me once. It was really nothing that critical in the bigger scheme, and on some views I guess was almost flattering, but it is always a jolt to hear candid descriptions of you as told to a third party and it was the gap between what they said to me and how they spoke about me behind my back that was illuminating!

That said, we are all human, and we do have thoughts that we don't necessarily confess to the person. I do share things with my DH that I wouldn't say to the person's face. Yes, I feel I could probably defend them if asked to, but they wouldn't be topics I would bring up with them - often things about the DH (he can get a bit grumpy) or DC (they demand a lot of her), and often because I feel a bit defensive of the friend. So I don't think you have uncovered a huge hole in the friendship that goes far beyond the normal negative thoughts that creep in in the course of a long friendship. I'd feel different if it had been someone other than her DH she had gossiped about you with.

The world these days is very quick to dispense with people as faulty commodities, to block, to go NC. But human interactions do need space and an ability to absorb some degree of negativity. Just because we can now select our dishwasher cycles, command our washing machine to do as we wish, it doesn't mean our friends are programmable too ! I would probably step back a little to give yourself space to see how you feel interacting with her again, but also don't feel ashamed to maintain the friendship if you feel that on balance you get more out of it than not. Most people on this thread will have had things said behind their backs they don't know about and are still unwittingly friendly with the culprits!

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2026 09:40

I think that you are doing the right thing. It'll unnecessarily upset her, when she has so much on. I've had similar and worse and I've enjoyed having the moral high ground, by not reacting, but going minimal or no contact. However, you think her comments were unjustified, but she's entitled to her opinion and to share it with her husband. I'm my DD's childcare and support her a lot. I've had to agree to disagree with friends about how I still parent my adult children, one who is autistic with a level of LD's. So I've chosen to understand that they live differently, don't quite get it and we can still find common ground, to have a friendship.

Original poster

NewGrandmummy · 22/10/2026 09:45

Calliopespa · 22/10/2026 09:40

I just wanted to comment on the gracious and level-headed way you have approached this thread op.

I'm sorry this happened. Something similar happened to me once. It was really nothing that critical in the bigger scheme, and on some views I guess was almost flattering, but it is always a jolt to hear candid descriptions of you as told to a third party and it was the gap between what they said to me and how they spoke about me behind my back that was illuminating!

That said, we are all human, and we do have thoughts that we don't necessarily confess to the person. I do share things with my DH that I wouldn't say to the person's face. Yes, I feel I could probably defend them if asked to, but they wouldn't be topics I would bring up with them - often things about the DH (he can get a bit grumpy) or DC (they demand a lot of her), and often because I feel a bit defensive of the friend. So I don't think you have uncovered a huge hole in the friendship that goes far beyond the normal negative thoughts that creep in in the course of a long friendship. I'd feel different if it had been someone other than her DH she had gossiped about you with.

The world these days is very quick to dispense with people as faulty commodities, to block, to go NC. But human interactions do need space and an ability to absorb some degree of negativity. Just because we can now select our dishwasher cycles, command our washing machine to do as we wish, it doesn't mean our friends are programmable too ! I would probably step back a little to give yourself space to see how you feel interacting with her again, but also don't feel ashamed to maintain the friendship if you feel that on balance you get more out of it than not. Most people on this thread will have had things said behind their backs they don't know about and are still unwittingly friendly with the culprits!

Edited

What a kind and thoughtful post: thank you.

OP posts:

Miceintheattic · 22/10/2026 09:55

Lookingdownthebarrell · 22/10/2026 07:59

An interesting “policy”, how do you know it’s a pocket dial? If you can hear how can you not listen?

OP if you ignore it can you still have the same friendship with her and can you feel good about your friendship or will it drain you? Alternative is to ask her to explain herself. If you prefer your friendship to be honest and open tell her that so you can say your piece. If what she said was hurtful and mean then I personally wouldn’t be able to get over it. On the other hand she may have said somethings you didn’t want to hear.

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An interesting “policy”, how do you know it’s a pocket dial? If you can hear how can you not listen? Its pretty obvious because the person is talking to someone else. Or not talking at all. And yes as mentioned above I do have a "policy" because it happens a fair bit to me as my name starts with an A and quite a few people pocketdial as it turns out! And no I don't listen in to my friends talking without them knowing because thats a breach of trust and also weird and sad. They can trust me. I don't even bother telling anyone theyve done it any more.

Everyone on here may have done it and not even realised.

Miceintheattic · 22/10/2026 09:59

cloudsandclouds · 22/10/2026 08:07

😂😂😂 What the fuck.

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What the fuck.

Define eavesdropping then.

Sorry..it is eavesdropping. I don't make the rules! If you want to eavesdrop there's obviously no law against it. But as Ive mentioned the old saying "eavesdroppers never hear good about themselves " which is a salutory lesson to us all.....

Calliopespa · 22/10/2026 10:20

Miceintheattic · 22/10/2026 09:59

What the fuck.

Define eavesdropping then.

Sorry..it is eavesdropping. I don't make the rules! If you want to eavesdrop there's obviously no law against it. But as Ive mentioned the old saying "eavesdroppers never hear good about themselves " which is a salutory lesson to us all.....

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I'm not so sure to be honest.

It's kind of a spectrum. To me, eavesdropping proper is something like intentionally picking up the other receiver on old fashioned landline systems to listen in on a conversation, or standing with your ear near a door to listen in.

I don't think it would be fair to say it is eavesdropping to hear all of a loud conversation when you are sitting at the hairdresser and cannot leave your chair while another client and the hairdresser speak openly to each other in an otherwise empty room.

This situation falls a bit in the middle because the OP was summoned to the conversation by a pocket dial to her phone. You would listen a bit to work out what was going on. I don't know that that is really eavesdropping in the true sense.

ETA I've just realised it was even less her fault than that: it was left for her as a VM!

KentCatLady · 22/10/2026 10:20

Miceintheattic · 22/10/2026 09:59

What the fuck.

Define eavesdropping then.

Sorry..it is eavesdropping. I don't make the rules! If you want to eavesdrop there's obviously no law against it. But as Ive mentioned the old saying "eavesdroppers never hear good about themselves " which is a salutory lesson to us all.....

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The problem here is that by the time she realised it was a but dial and not an actual voicemail, she'd already heard her friend's unkind comments!

Shatteredallthetimelately · 22/10/2026 10:57

NewGrandmummy · 22/10/2026 08:09

I really don't see why it's weird to care about the effect of my possible actions on someone else's mental health, especially when I know how ill he can become, and how quickly.

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Maybe it'll help your friend remember to make sure that she has hung up on a phone conversation before making unwanted comments about people.

Miceintheattic · 22/10/2026 11:33

Calliopespa · 22/10/2026 10:20

I'm not so sure to be honest.

It's kind of a spectrum. To me, eavesdropping proper is something like intentionally picking up the other receiver on old fashioned landline systems to listen in on a conversation, or standing with your ear near a door to listen in.

I don't think it would be fair to say it is eavesdropping to hear all of a loud conversation when you are sitting at the hairdresser and cannot leave your chair while another client and the hairdresser speak openly to each other in an otherwise empty room.

This situation falls a bit in the middle because the OP was summoned to the conversation by a pocket dial to her phone. You would listen a bit to work out what was going on. I don't know that that is really eavesdropping in the true sense.

ETA I've just realised it was even less her fault than that: it was left for her as a VM!

Edited

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Well OK I concede its a grey area. But as soon as you know that you are listening in in circumstances where the speaker would reasonably assume that their conversation is private (unlike the hairdresser) and also you know that the speaker would reasonably assume their conversation was private (because its a voicemail where the speaker has obviously not intended to leave you a recording of their conversation with their husband), then I think then you are eavesdropping.

Thats just my own view. And I bet a lot of us don't even know that we've done the same thing ourselves.

Miceintheattic · 22/10/2026 11:34

KentCatLady · 22/10/2026 10:20

The problem here is that by the time she realised it was a but dial and not an actual voicemail, she'd already heard her friend's unkind comments!

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You can tell very quickly. And the OP has reported a fairly long conversation. It was her choice to continue to listen in to the conversation that the speakers thought was a private conversation.

Teddybear23 · 22/10/2026 11:41

OtterlyMad · 21/10/2026 08:24

Why are you still prioritising this person and their family over yourself when she clearly has such a low opinion of you? When someone shows you who they really are, believe them!

I would send her a message along the lines of “Hi [name], after our last phone call you accidentally left me a voice message which captured you saying various derogatory comments about me and about my family, and as a result, I no longer trust you or want to be your friend. I wish you well for the future but I will be blocking your number and ask that you respect my decision and don’t try to contact me via other means.”

Perfect response 👍

Calliopespa · 22/10/2026 15:28

Miceintheattic · 22/10/2026 11:33

Well OK I concede its a grey area. But as soon as you know that you are listening in in circumstances where the speaker would reasonably assume that their conversation is private (unlike the hairdresser) and also you know that the speaker would reasonably assume their conversation was private (because its a voicemail where the speaker has obviously not intended to leave you a recording of their conversation with their husband), then I think then you are eavesdropping.

Thats just my own view. And I bet a lot of us don't even know that we've done the same thing ourselves.

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Yes, the assumption of privacy is a good rule of thumb, you are right.

Itsthewoluff · 22/10/2026 18:05

I once had a “friend”, more friend of a friend, who constantly talked about other people derogatorily albeit in a funny stories way. I knew she would be doing the same about me- after all I wasn’t anyone special, so I kept her very at much arms length.

Op how does she talk about other people in your company? Is she normally kind and fair? If she is, maybe she spoke some truth if you think carefully, or may be she was having an off day. If, however, she normal bitches about others then I’d very definitely start withdrawing as she more than likely meant what you overheard.

CelestialCandyfloss · 23/10/2026 07:36

How awful. I'm so sorry this happened to you, what a shitty unpleasant thing to do to you after you have made the effort to stay in touch.
I think you will have to same something, because now you know she has said nasty things behind your back. Up to you whether you continue to be friends with her but protect yourself first, you've done nothing wrong.