Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

Just send her the voicemail and cut her off.

It isn't eavesdropping, since that's deliberate, and I find the supposed 'morality' of pretending not to know or be hurt when you've heard something unfair or nasty being said about you and your child a bit odd, tbh. Rightly or wrongly, the message WAS sent and received and has caused genuine hurt. OP is allowed to feel this, as most people would. And is allowed to say something too. Why on earth should she care if the friend is embarrassed? Or do all the beating around the bush being suggested? Sometimes it's better to be open and clear the air.

I absolutely cannot stand two-facedness, and some people can get into really lazy habits about slagging others off behind their backs while pretending niceness to their face (I'm not talking a one-off comment or expressing justified annoyance or concern) which are just plain nasty. That's not what solid friendships are based on. If there's a genuine problem, better to try to resolve it than repeatedly slag a person off behind their back.

I agree with others, though, that the justification of not saying anything being because of the husband's mental health is a strange assumption to make, and not the OPs concern or responsibility. I'd send a brief message saying about the voicemail and what I'd heard, tell her I was hurt by it and, without drama, back off from the friendship for now.

All depends on what was said. Maybe she thought you were being unreasonable about something and you heard her true thoughts, or maybe she misunderstood a tale you were telling her. You'll never know unless you speak to her. Don't just ignore it and try to carry on with the friendship or it will fester.

OP you sound supportive to her, but her husband’s and her mental health are not your responsibility. If anything, you have a get out of jail free card now. Do you really get anything out of these weekly hour long conversations or has it become an obligation? What she has said is disrespectful and you do not have to put up with that.

Gradual, rather than overnight, distance. Stop telling her anything she can criticise. Listen, don’t give. Reduce the length and frequency of calls and visits. Move in with your life and with friendships that are reciprocated. You are being used. This isn’t a real friendship.

Are you using her dh’s mental health as an excuse to ignore what was said, because you don’t actually want to end the friendship? That’s ok, if that’s the real reason, but it would probably be healthier to talk to her about it. Then you can make a more informed decision as to how you both move forward.

you ghost her. block her number. she is 2 faced and doesn't deserve your friendship which involves you travelling and your precious time

Why gradual and not just end it straight away if they're not friends?

I would bin her off. Just tell her that she’s pocket dialled you and left you a message containing derogatory comments about you, your family and daughter so it’s best to just end the friendship now and not to contact you again.

You say you’re autistic, and I bet you’re a people pleaser as well. Quit that. Look out for yourself and your family. Move on from her. Don’t let your family and you be shit talked.

Importantly the consequences are absolutely not your problem. You have geographical distance so just get rid of her drama and meanness. Her and her husband can just fuck off and keep their nasty comments between them. It’s not your problem she doesn’t have many friends - she’s a bitch!

“with no explanation she will demand one”

Just because someone demands something doesn’t mean you have to give it to them.

End it immediately. If she asks tell her why. She isn’t your problem anymore.

Because the OP doesn’t want to cause a ruckus. She doesn’t want to be to blame for a downward spiral in the mental health of her ‘friend’ or her husband. It doesn’t have to be so gradual it drags on. More like: calls become once a fortnight instead of weekly, 20 minutes instead of an hour, then the next visit is skipped, then no call for a month, then none at all. It gives the OP time to think about what she wants.

As often happens on here, the first response nails it.

Sorry @NewGrandmummy I would be giving this 'friend' a very wide berth. She is not who you thought she was.

It's not YOUR problem if you keeping her at arms length - or even ending the friendship - upsets her.

She's blown it. SHE has ruined the friendship.

You can tell her what you have heard, and see if she apologises, but frankly I wouldn't be able to move on from this.
.

Is there a way you can send her the recording back as a voicenote/audio file on whatsapp and say "just so you know, you left this as a voicemail on my phone".

I'd probably then block her.

Your next steps will be determined by how you feel about her now @NewGrandmummy

Even if she explained/grovelled/apologised, would that be acceptable to you and would it allow the friendship to continue?

Simply send, along the lines of,

"Just letting you know your line stayed open after our call and recorded the comments about my family to my answering machine. I'm pretty shocked and upset to be honest."

It should prompt some sort of response, however @NewGrandmummy salvaging the relationship is unlikely.

I think if you’re even considering going cold on her, then I don’t think you’ve got anything to lose with telling her why. You can try and fix it (if you want to), and if you don’t then yes, if it was me, I’d tell her. Her husband's mental health is not your responsibility. If she chooses to tell her husband that you heard then that is on her. I would just tell her you heard it and then see what she says, before you say anything else. Then take it from there. It’s nothing close to listening to other people’s conversations, or whatever some pp are suggesting, you had a voicemail, you listened to the voicemail, that’s it. It’s on your friend what she said, she’s clearly been talking badly about you behind your back and, tbh, you’ve got no idea if she’s doing the same with people other than her husband as well. You have a choice to make. I don’t think you’ll be comfortable with just cutting her off without telling her why, it’ll still eat away at you so just have the hard conversation, and then decide if you can forgive her.
Honestly, if you caught her saying these things in a (likely) butt-dial, then what’s the chances she’s doing it a whole lot more than that? High chance.

Forward the voicemail to her.

I'll make a guess here.

She wants to be friends, she wants to be happy for your life, but she is feeling lesser than in some sense, and the few negative comments are her way of reconciling the two feelings.

Of course I don't know how bad it was, and you still need to decide what to do about it.

Do you think she did it on purpose?

She is happy to use you for support but then she abuses you. She is not genuine. How can you trust anything she tells you in the future or that any feelings she expresses are honest.
Whatever about the comments she made about you she crossed a line with your daughter. Remember, you have only a snapshot of what she said in one conversation. The reality is probably much worse and extends to other family members.

Don't worry about her husband, he didn't shut her down which would suggest you and your family are regularly discussed in a less than flattering and supportive way. It is their normal.

I'd be surprised if you could go on like nothing happened.
Her husband's mental health isn't really your concern.

I would gradually edge away.

No good can come of bringing it up with her, she isn't a genuine friend. I couldn't imagine speaking about my friends negativity with anyone!

Her mental health and her partner's mental health is not your responsibility.

Stand up for yourself by letting this friendship go. How awful for you! Invest in your good friends.

Think it really depends on what she actually said?! If she said x is lovely but her daughter is hard work for her and her husband doesn’t help her enough, then that would be fine with me. If she said x is stupid and I don’t like her daughter and husband, then that would not be okay with me. Really depends on what was said?!

I don't know; some people just want to let off steam. It's like if you read your DS or DD's diary, you might not like what you read.

In this case, though, the OP didn't set out to eavesdrop so it's awkward.

Some people get on in life by sort of living a double life, it's hard to explain without seeming to justify two-facedness. Maybe they're a bit unhappy in themselves and if someone is a good friend, it becomes natural to slag them off as an extension of themselves, a sort of comfort blanket, or to relieve stress. Maybe she is playing to her husband's expectations? A couple sometimes function by making themselves feel superior to others.

Sending her the voicemail message seems a bit melodramatic or even hurtful. So is ghosting imo but later down the line you could let slip you overheard her slagging you off, hence the reason for going cool.

It is a tricky one because the OP wasn't in investigative mode when she found this out, so she got blindsided.
That said, what people do is more important than what they say; if the OP found out she was actually up to no good, taking an action that would count against her, that would be far worse and worthy of confrontation.

I think you need to speak to your friend, and tell her what you heard. Managing her embarrassment or her husband's mental health, quite frankly isn't your responsibility or concern! Yes, you could ignore it, but you can't undo the fact you heard what she said. I think going forward, if you weren't to say anything, it will make you wary of the friendship and what and how much you are willing to share.