Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

I agree with this. But as @Ohhelpwhatnowsaid, it depends what she actually said. Was it a frustrated grumble, or was it something far worse?

Not sure you can still be friends after this tbh (depending on what was said) but definitely without addressing it. Why would you even want to?

There is no way on earth I could not tell her what I heard

Exactly. It depends entirely on what was said. The OP says that the criticisms weren’t ‘justified’, but these things are subjective. That my best friend would parent my son differently to me, I suspect, and said so to her DH, isn’t something I would fall out over, for instance.

Whereas in this case it sounds in part as if the OP, who believed her friend was ‘heartbroken’ when she moved away and absolutely needs her visits, discovered that her friendship was not one of uncritical adoration.

I would forward the message to her.

this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter

A grown man's childish (MH excuses for silliness... as always) behaviour is his concern, not yours.

Your concern should be backing your daughter by ending a friendship with someone who bad mouths her.

Surely you know this??

Depends what she said, how it was meant and whether there's any truth in it, surely?

I'm pretty sure you can forward a voicemail to someone. I'd just send it on to her and sent a message saying she'd left it for me by accident and then leave it in her court

Mmmm, good point, it is possible to value a friendship without believing your friend is perfect.

I couldn’t remain friendly in these circs, I would send her the voice note

Years ago I had a close friend. I knew she talked about everyone behind their backs but she was great fun and our daughters were school friends.
However another friend let me know she was talking about my daughter in a coffee shop for all to hear. I dropped her.
We still have mutual friends and I wish her well but that's it.
Others have suggested meet ups with her attending but I just don't go.

I’ve come across a few incidents where people have not hung up properly or pocket dialled so I NEVER talk about someone after a phone call with them.

I’d text her “Xxxxx just to let you know that perhaps you need to be a bit more careful with your phone either hanging up or pocket dialling. You did it to me yesterday at Xpm and left me a very interesting message 😂 Perhaps you didn’t hang up the phone properly. It was quite an insight 🤔 X

Exactly. You say "badmouth" but do you just mean "criticise"?

I know you say that what she said wasn’t justified, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. For instance, "Grandmummy could do with losing some weight" or "I think Grandmummy indulges her daughter too much and daughter takes advantage" is not the same as "Grandmummy is a fat pig and looks awful" or "Grandmummy has always been stupid and spoilt her daughter and now daughter is rude and horrible".

If it was ,me ..also diagnosed autistic and ADHD,I wouldn't cope with the upset or fall out .of saying anything
I've often said things I've not meant many times
My brain seems to speak out loud what it really should just think
So I tend to give people lots of leeway ,so I get the same consideration

You oughtn't to take on the responsibility of her DH's MH. He has no loyalty to you (clearly!) and you have none to him. I'd be way too hurt by her slagging off not only you but your DD too and no way could I pretend like it never happened. I'd pull back and if she asks why no phone call this week, I'd message or send a short voice note saying what happened and that you're hurt by her true feelings and need to take a break from the friendship as it's not what you thought it was. That's all you need to do and what she and he choose to do after is on them.

Yes, exactly.

Maybe a long shot, but is her husband quite controlling or disapproving of your friendship? My controlling mother hated us having friends as kids, and we would have to bad-mouth them to keep her off our backs and stop her being jealous of them... (yes, it was sick and wrong)...

Or sometimes, if you do a lot for someone, they can feel an imbalance of power and try to raise themselves up by finding unfair fault with you.

But sometimes people aren't our friends the way we thought they were, and it's up to you what you do with this information.

But do NOT make yourself responsible for her husband's mental health - that's going too far...

OP you could easily step back little by little from this so called friendship. You moved away and you are the one who has to travel to see them. You say you travel every two or three months to see her - but just make the gap a bit longer.
If she asks - then you can honestly say that you heard her conversation with her DH and now don't view your friendship in quite the same way after her comments and wait to see what comes back.
Many people don't see or hear what goes on behind closed doors (or in this case - phone) as these discussions are simply between husband and wife or partner or whatever. This is/was a lapse but you unfortunately heard what was discussed and it was hurtful to you and you are right to be upset by this.

Record it and send it to her as a voice note.

It would really depend for me on what was actually said. I know that obviously people will talk about me and our conversations to their partner but I would expect there to be a bit of affection to it rather than a complete character assassination. I would have to address it, if it wasn't too bad I'd say something along the lines of careful you butt dialed me yesterday, but if it was really hurtful I'd say that and probably move on from the friendship because it sounds really one sided anyway.

She’s not who who thought she was.
I’d drop contact and if she contacts you and says anything tell her what you heard. Her husband’s mental health issues shouldn’t be an issue.

She’s not a friend. Tell her, stop giving too much of yourself who thinks so little of you!

Has nobody on this thread ever unloaded to a spouse about things that are winding them up about friends or family? It doesn’t mean we care for them any less…she wasn’t stirring trouble behind her back or being sly, she was just venting to her husband.

OP it probably wasn’t nice to hear, but I would try not to take it too personally. After all, have you never ever had negative thoughts about someone you care about.

I have a policy of never listening to people who have dialed and not hung up or have done a voicemail message by mistake. I don't think it's fair to eavesdrop because I suppose that's what you are doing. So I wouldn't tell her but I would perhaps be more circumspect about the friendship given that you did hear her thoughts about you and your family.

I think deep down if everyone is 100% honest we have all disagreed about things a friend has done or the way they act if u told each and every friend little things u dislike about them we wouldn't have friends !
I remember hearing my mother in law and Father in law talking about me after not putting phone down I know they love me so it didn't bother me they have a right to their own opinions !!