Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

I think it depends on exactly what was said tbh.

Tell her. She's hurt you she needs to be told. Id not be her friend going forward.

If this was on a mobile then surely she will be able to see she left a voice mail? I would message her and say you are calling about the it, you assume that she didn’t mean to send it, and that yes you are very hurt. Leave it to her to reply. She said the things, she thinks these things, any upset would be at you finding out, that is her problem not yours. As is any possible outcomes on her state of mind.

Do you really think you can just ignore this and carry on as before? I could not.

I would have to speak to her about it and tell her how hurt and upset you are by her comments. How the friendship survives after that would depend on her response.

Ouch, that's hurtful.
It might be time to start to distance yourself a bit. Maybe you don't have time for a call next week. Or only half an hour the week after.

I’m not in the least happy 😢

OP, you've been very kind to your friend and accommodated her and her partner's needs for a long time, and one would hope if you overheard a private conversation between them, they'd be positive, not make unkind comments about you and your child behind your back.

In your position, I wouldn't be able to believe this was the first and only time they'd slagged me off. It was just the first time you've become aware of it. And it opens up a huge gap in the relationship, because how can you trust them again? I'd be questioning, 'Do they believe I'm a mug?' 'Are they using me?'

I truly thought it was a VN, hence listening.

I couldn’t continue with a false friendship. You will never feel the same about he again. I’d probably write a letter or email outlining what I’d heard. This friendship would be forever fractured for me.

I understand what you mean and I’d probably be toying with do I pretend I never heard it or do I confront them, but the thing with anger is that even if it takes 10 years it never stays buried so if you suppress this it’s just going to explode down the line, and especially with her calling your child!

Yes you can ignore her comments if you wish, but I certainly wouldn't.
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone so wrongly unkind about me and my child.
My loyalty to my child would prevent this.
Her stressed about this is not your responsibility.
You sound very kind.

Not surprised you are not happy. Were you getting a lot from the friendship? It sounds quite one sided. I know you thought there was equal care and support in the relationship but this revelation totally alters everything. Do you feel there is any coming back from it? Do you want to say your bit? Or are you so hurt you want to walk away? Don't worry about her and her husband - you now need to do what is right for you.

If I heard someone slagging my daughter off, the last thing on my mind would be that persons husbands feelings. You are a better person than me and she does not deserve you. Give it to her both barrels!

I think you could say you feel very uncomfortable after receiving her voicemail after the call. And send her the voicemail. See what she says.

It is probably the end of the friendship, which will probably be better for you. Imagine what you could do with an extra 4 hrs a month! :)

As soon as I know its someone doing it by mistake which is usually fairly obvious quite quickly as they are talking to someone else and the voice won't be next to the phone (not that I'm suggesting it was obvious to you as you say it wasn't) I hang up. "Eavesdroppers never hear good about themselves " I think is the proverb. As has been shown here. Its very unfortunate and would be mortifying for your friend to know. It happens though.

I doubt that anyone can say hand on heart that they’ve never said anything behind someone’s back that they wouldn’t say to their face, even just to their husband.

That said OP, this must have been distressing for you. But bear in mind that she never intended you to hear it.

Why would it matter if she denied it? She can't take the OP to court and demand restitution of the friendship.

I voted yabu as frankly you deserve better than this. Her reaction to facing up to her own actions is not your responsibility.

I'd message "hi your phone didn't hang up yesterday and I heard through things you said to your husband about us. I'm very hurt. I need some space."

Is the message on your mobile voicemail? I’d be tempted to screen record, play the message then send it to her without comment.

Over to her.

The frienship sounds very one sided to be honest.
You friends husband mental health is not on you nor is it a reason to ignore what is obviously a fracture in your relationship.
If you are unsure what to do and need to reflect then maybe just meassage her and tell her that you heard exactly what she was saying about your daughter and are extreamly hurt and annoyed. Tell her you need some space to re consider the friendship and if she has any decency she will step back and allow you the time you need. Id also add that any attempt to contact you from either of them would result in complete no contact.

Just for clarity though real friends dont slag you or your children off behind your back. Saying derogotary things is not nice and shows they are not to be trusted. I dont really care if a friend might have a mini moan about me on an off day as we are all human but leave my kids out of it, they are a red line and if it is crossed then its bye from me.

I would send her a text saying “You should make sure you’ve hung up properly before you start making derogatory comments about the person you’ve just spent an hour talking to and their daughter. It all went to voice note and our friendship is now on pause.”

OP, you did nothing wrong in listening to the message.

the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear.

Unfortunately people who relish intrigue and secrets - and sharing them as she did with you - may be likely to gossip in all directions. Which she seems to be doing. I am sure she DOES like you and value you as a friend, she just can't stop herself spilling stuff out.

Do you feel the friendship is now irretrievable for you? If so, just say "unfortunately you accidentally sent me a recording of your conversation with your DH and your views on me and my Dd, and I am sure you can understand that this has left me feeling that our friendship is damaged"

Even people who love each other roll their eyes at some of their traits, characteristics or behaviours - you could say "unfortunately you accidentally sent me a recording of your conversation with your DH and your views on me and my Dd. Obviously this was very hard for me to hear. Do you really feel like that about me?" and see if she apologises etc.

Hard one OP, and I am sorry you are in this situation.

And she is a silly woman because it sounds like she needs you more than you need her.

Which puts you in a strong position.

@NewGrandmummy I think I’d have to say “you somehow managed to send a VM of your whole convo with DH and I’m a bit surprised and hurt”.

That said, surely you’ve talked about something you have a differing view on, that someone else close has said, with another close party? I know I have. Not in a gossipy way, but I don’t always agree with how my friends might approach something so I might have commented to that effect. Not a ‘slag them off’ thing but more
of my DP saying ‘that’s not what I’d have done’ and I might agree with him, or, not.

It is something that you’d normally ever have heard, so while I’d want to let them know I heard, I’d also not be exploding about it until I’d said something.

Difficult one!

Op was not eaves dropping. She was not listening in at the time of the conversation between her friend and her dh.
She thought her friend had left a voice mail and picked that up, which is perfectly reasonable. It says this in her op.

I would simply message her and say she pocket dialled you after your call and you heard her conversation with her husband about you and your family. Leave the ball in her court. She sounds like she takes a lot anyway. Her husband's mental health is not in any way your responsibility.