Should I tell this friend what I now know?

[NewGrandmummy]

I have a very close friend. We lived in the same village for eight years until work caused me to move away, meaning that we see each other only every two or three months (she has disabilities so it's always me who has to travel, and my work is very full-on). When I moved she was heartbroken. We have an hour-long phone call every week.

In the past we have shared a lot, both in terms of experiences and conversation. I am a very open person with no real secrets or interesting skeletons in cupboards, but the friend has told me all kinds of things that she has never told anyone else and that would be very embarrassing for others to hear. For this, and other reasons, and from her very warm comments and reactions to me, I thought that we were equally special to each other.

Somehow, immediately after our conversation yesterday her phone didn't hang up properly or, possibly, she pocked-dialled me. My phone was on silent so the connection from her phone went straight to my answerphone. When I later saw that I had a message from her I naturally listened to it. What I heard was a recording of the friend talking to her husband (also a good friend) about our conversation (no problem with that). However, she also made various derogatory comments about me and about my family, saying, "I would never tell her; it would be too hurtful." She was also very critical of my daughter. None of the points that she made were justified.

So, what do I do now? If I go cold on her with no explanation she will demand one. If I tell her that I heard the things that she said to her husband she will be beyond embarrassed and this will send her husband (who has considerable mental health issues and for whom she is his rock) totally off-kilter, as he relies on her emotional stability, which is generally very sound. My instinct is to simply pretend that this didn't happen, but I'm someone who is always (autistic!) utterly honest and straightforward, so this will be very hard for me.

Am I being unreasonable to ignore this event and carry on as before?

Help!!!!!

Tell her. She is not your friend.

100% agree with this approach

we all criticize or make observations about people in language we'd hope they would not hear it does mean there is an absence of love and respect. I have a policy of never listening to a conversation where I might be discussed by others as I know I can say things which would be upsetting if heard by others - MIL eg - fond of her but she's hard work - every call usually commented on by DH and I counting the ways in which she's not normal. In your position I'd have deleted the message and I probably wouldn't say anything

You are not responsible for her husbands mental health. You are only responsible for your role in your friendship. What she has said changes the nature of your friendship entirely and needs to be acted on. I think the right thing to do is talk to her about it and give her a space to reply.

This is a difficult one OP. I think I would be really hurt too. The problem is you were never meant to hear what your friend says but you have. I think most people express opinions about friends to their spouse which they would never express to others. Is what she said much worse than what you might say to your DH about someone? I know you can’t unhear what was said but I do think considering the context in what it was said like that is worth considering before potentially losing what sounds like is a good friend otherwise. Do you think you can get past what was said or do you think it will eat away at you?

I agree with this. I don’t think it’s that unusual to use language that you wouldn’t necessarily if saying it directly. My very long term friendship group has had to navigate stuff like this a couple of times. It doesn’t mean you are not friends or she doesn’t love you. It depends what was said of course but just cutting someone off for this regardless is very black and white.

You may decide you want to talk to her about it however.

The friendship would be toast to me. Anyone speaking unkindly about my DD - especially if she didn't deserve a word of it, wouldn't be in my life any longer.

I wouldn't give a shiny shit about their feelings too. This isn't the dilemma you might think it is.

Tell her you received what she said about you and your family via a VN, and not to bother calling you again.

It might be difficult for you to understand, but it's perfectly possible to be very fond of someone, and close to them as a friend, but also see their faults.

I hate any kind of confrontation, so I wouldn't have it out with her. But I'd back off from the friendship and distance myself a bit.

Pull back slowly, if she asks why, tell her.

I think we all get that and see the faults in our friends which are offset by the good stuff, but it's something else for her to come off a nice warm catch-up call and launch into slagging off the OP and her family. Suggests that the calls are a cue for that, and this goes on often between the friend and her DH, making the friendship very different to what OP thought. Feels more like something for them to enjoy criticising together rather than maintaining an meaningful connection.

I would just call her and say - listen Sally, after our call the other day I received a voicemail from you, perhaps a pocket dial, and overheard you making unkind and untrue comments about my family including my daughter. It has made me sad and I don't know why you would say such things. I know it was an accident that I heard them bit you still said them and presumably believe they are true, which changes the way I feel about you. I would welcome an explanation.

Give her the chance to say her piece and see how you feel then.

You have a policy on this? Lord how often does it happen to you?
I am interested in your policy on the heavens raining frogs?

I think everyone has slight gripes about friends and bizarrely just getting off the phone to them, seems like when these thoughts are front and central in our mind. Then we sometimes let these thoughts out into the open.
Personally I would have to analyse what was said. If it was "Morbius, doesn't half drone on" or some such throw away comment, I would tend to ignore it. If it was something more nasty that indicates a duplicity in the friendship, I would inform her and cut ties.

That’s really hurtful, especially with such a close friend. This probably isn’t the first time she’s talked badly about you and your family, it’s just the first time you’ve heard it!

I would have to say something. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to forget about what she’s said and you might find yourself “editing” or holding back in front of her, or possibly resenting her along the line.

I’m sure most of us have had conversations that we’d rather certain people didn’t hear and I know I’d be absolutely mortified if I was overheard talking badly of someone. As a result of this, I keep a lot of thoughts to myself. Once you’ve said the words out loud, you have to own them! She can either apologise and express regret over what she’s said, potentially repairing the friendship, or explain why she thinks the way she does and allow you to walk away.

It sounds like you’ve been a lovely friend to her but she’s an adult and it’s not your responsibility to hold space for her (or her husband’s) potential embarrassment.

Do you use telepathy to know if a voicemail is a mistake or not? That's quite the skill.

I think I would drop her a text saying to be more careful with her phone when she hangs up as she left an interesting voicemail for you and just leave it at that.

So the fuck what if she's a support human to her husband. That's not your problem. I don't care who slags me off but my kids are off limits.

People will sometimes disapprove of something your kids have done, or deplore their political views, or just not particularly like them. Some of these may be your friends. Will you drop everyone who you hear has done this, even when they have said nothing to your face?

I’d go cold and let her work it out or ask you

Do you really have people 'pocket dialling' you so often that you need to have a "policy" about it?? 🤔

But seriously, re the VM - you couldn't, as the OP didn't, know what a VM contains unless you listen to it, that's obvious. And I don't believe you, or anyone, would simply ignore and not listen if what you hear is a supposed friend slagging you off.

From your OP, the most important parts of this are
(a) you don’t think the criticisms are justified (so you have a fundamental difference of opinion over crucial matters; you are not being treated fairly by your “friend”)
(b) what you heard ultimately means your friendship isn’t what you thought it was

We can all take criticisms, but this sounds like it’s overstepped the mark and shown you something (someone?) a bit shocking.

I think you’d be foolish to continue to prioritise someone who is at best totally two faced. At least it will be easy to end the friendship as it sounds like you made it happen anyway.

Like you I value honesty and clarity so I would tell her and stop seeing her. I’d say what you heard in the voicemail has shown you that the friendship isn’t what you thought it was, so you’d rather not see her as no repair is possible.

Dunno I've never heard anyone slagging off my kids before.

I've no issues dropping anyone though. No matter who they are. Life is short.

Payback.. sleep with her husband! I am of course joking.
What a two faced cow bag she is!

I would send her the voicemail and explain that you no longer feel the friendship can continue. I would let her hear it so she knows exactly how much of the conversation you heard.

Depends entirely on what was said and the context. Those saying to drop this friend like a hot brick must lead exemplary lives if they can honestly say they've never spoken ill of anyone ever.

I suppose it depends what you mean by 'slagging off'. If anyone called them rude names in my presence I would be very annoyed, but not if they said something like 'I wish he would look up from his phone when he's talking to me', or 'surely he can get his mum a birthday card for God's sake'.

I'd send a message along the lines of "I've been trying to work out what to say here but think you should check your call log from yesterday. I had a voicemail that I really wish I hadn't heard, and it's really thrown me. I had no idea that you thought so little of me and feel sad that a valued friendship to me was so one sided. I think it's best we don't talk for a while".

She's no friend, and things will never be the same again now. She's the one who has ruined it.