To tell dd to just lie and call in sick over Xmas ?

[JustCallinSick]

Dd (26). AuDHD and MH struggles including ongoing eating disorder ,anxiety and OCD has been working for 5 years now.

She has never taken a day off sick. She has struggled in with viruses , on bad days , with severe period pain. She loves routine. Every year she has had to work Xmas. 6 hours xmas eve, all day Xmas day and 6 hours Boxing Day. She has never complained (but her boss is really not very nice).

This year (ages ago too!) she requested Xmas period off. This has been rejected and she’s so so upset. She has been feeling worse lately and has had to take more medication for MH and we paid for private therapy so she could go outside of work. We have family visiting this year from abroad and have a lot of plans she is looking forward to.

Her boss has told her that the priority is those with children not her.

Dd is so upset. I’ve calmed her down and told her to just call in sick. There’s nothing they can do and she’s never had a day off before so they can’t say a word. The alternative is battling it out with them . She has also started to look for a new job but she won’t just quit.

AIBU to have suggested this ? It just seems like the easiest option.

it’s not ideal. Her first point of call should be to go back and say that she feels this is unfair as she’s worked X Christmases on the run, Christmas Eve, day and Boxing Day and surely it’s turn to get a break for at least part of it. That how would the manager cope if everyone had children, or does he intend to discriminate against any new employees and only hire childfree people to ensure there’s always someone who is appropriate to work the day?

After that, I’d say she needs to start looking for a new job.

YANBU. Shitty behaviour by her boss. I sometimes have to work over Christmas and I have young kids. Of course my childfree colleagues shouldn’t have to work every Christmas, they have families and places to go too. It’s fair to take it in turns.

Have her call in sick. Heck get her signed off for a couple of weeks or longer if her health is that precarious.

It would not be good to claim to be ill if the job needs people on those days. I presume it does as she has been asked to be there .Could she negotiate a few different days instead.?

They don't sound reasonable, but they will know, so you will have to prepare her for an uncomfortable first day back on the 27th even if in an unofficial capacity (as they can't prove anything). I don't know how beneficial that will be for someone with anxiety.

She’s just not up to any confrontation currently. I think it would cause burnout/shutdown.

Fuck that, I would be off for christmas, new years, Easter and every bank holiday of they tried that with me or my daughter.

Ring up on Xmas eve for her and say she's in bed with a fever. That might give her the confidence to go through with it.

She has struggled in with viruses , on bad days , with severe period pain.

This is foolish. Plus it means they will know she is lying now if she doesn't take time off even when she's actually sick.

That’s a shocking way to treat someone, I’d also tell her to call a sickie. Except I’d not do it Xmas eve, I’d do it 23 rd and self certify for 7 days,

So, prove it,knowing and accusing and proving are very different things,

If she still lives at home I would advise her to quit. No job is worth your mental well being. Fuck that.

Even when I’ve told her she’s too ill to go she has gone in, she hates to let them down but she was so looking forward to Xmas that I think it’s now obvious to her they aren’t grateful they just take it for granted that she’s always there or will cover shifts last minute etc.

I really don’t think it’s a good idea to lie about this, but on this occasion I think I would. It’s really not fair that she’s worked so many years over Xmas and she’s not getting one off.

Just one thing, is her contract permanent? If not, I’d be worried the manager would get rid of her as he will assume she’s lying. There are very few jobs out there!

Her boss has told her that the priority is those with children not her.

I was all for doing it properly etc etc but her boss can fuck off with that attitude especially given she's worked previous Christmases.

And if she's struggling now, why not encourage her to see the GP now for some time off. No point pushing herself into a crisis.

If she’s struggling so much now, she should
take some time off sick this week. (Even if you are in one of the areas where it’s half term this week!). She needs to rest. Then can you look for any other jobs you think she’d be good for? Once she’s feeling a bit more balanced, suggest she applies. A workplace that treats staff unfairly is tough on the most mentally strong people, she’s not a good fit for this place.

book Her a doctors appointment and ask the doctor to sign her off. Her boss sounds awful, what kind of work does she do?

Are you saying her boss has made her work all over Christmas every year for 5 years?

Is she in a union?

What’s he normal work schedule ? Does are normally work Thursday, Friday, Saturday? What would the impact of her not being in be?

TBH, I would be looking for another job

She's been there 5 years. Time to hand her notice in before she does anything to blot her copybook, get a good reference, take a breath and start applying for new jobs. What kind of work is it? Can she sign up with agencies in the field? She is only 26. It's OK for her to have a break. Sometimes it takes a crisis to change the status quo. Sounds like it is not a very supportive work place but she will truck on through because the alternative (confrontation) is more difficult.

It would be preferable to settle this in a way that feels more honest as I’d be concerned that she still wouldn’t enjoy the festivities if she’s filled with anxiety over this.

It’s hard to know what to suggest but if she needs support with negotiations with her manager she should be entitled to and encouraged to access that. Learning to advocate for herself will help her in so many ways.

If she’s on a zero hours contract then she could simply be unavailable that week. If she’s gets fired it doesn’t sound like a great loss.

I’d get her to compose a rational email to her manger, using AI to help if needed. Keep it positive. Say how much she enjoys the job and the team hence her loyalty (even if not quite true). Say she understands the importance of proper cover at all times and she’s happy to discuss where she could cover at other periods such as New Year.

Say she’s always been happy to cover Christmas for the last 6 years and this year would greatly appreciate the opportunity to spend it with family and friends.

Are any of her colleagues with children willing to swap?

Well it's obviously hospitality/catering or care homes, so it's not like she'll never work again if she hands her notice in to finish a week before Christmas.

I dont really think this is a hand wringing huge dilemma.

If she hasn’t got the confidence to do it I’d ring in sick for her on the 22/23rd as a PP said, tell them she’s in bed with a nasty cold virus and she can’t talk as her voice has gone.

You need to reframe this. It's not confrontation to be setting some boundaries in the workplace. It is called "raising concerns". If her boss is confrontational about it, that's their problem. You have to teach your daughter that she is doing absolutely nothing wrong by standing up for herself and asking if this arrangement is fair, going as far as actually checking official policy.
Ultimately, there will probably be something in the policy citing "business needs" that her boss would have to dig up, however they will have a hard time proving that the business requires your daughter specifically rather than Mary who has three kids and requested her holiday three months after your daughter.
If all fails, then yes, I would be calling in sick. Even though I had two sick days in 20 years so am hardly the one advocating this approach.

This is a far better idea. Surely she would just be anxious about going back to work after being off sick and wouldn’t be able to enjoy Christmas anyway?

I'd check with HR that this ridiculous policy of having children gets you priority exists and ask to see it in writing and then if if is true I'd resign to finish on 23rd December.

If she rings in sick it will he uncomfortable anyway so there's no way round it. May as well go down the formal route