To tell dd to just lie and call in sick over Xmas ?

[JustCallinSick]

Dd (26). AuDHD and MH struggles including ongoing eating disorder ,anxiety and OCD has been working for 5 years now.

She has never taken a day off sick. She has struggled in with viruses , on bad days , with severe period pain. She loves routine. Every year she has had to work Xmas. 6 hours xmas eve, all day Xmas day and 6 hours Boxing Day. She has never complained (but her boss is really not very nice).

This year (ages ago too!) she requested Xmas period off. This has been rejected and she’s so so upset. She has been feeling worse lately and has had to take more medication for MH and we paid for private therapy so she could go outside of work. We have family visiting this year from abroad and have a lot of plans she is looking forward to.

Her boss has told her that the priority is those with children not her.

Dd is so upset. I’ve calmed her down and told her to just call in sick. There’s nothing they can do and she’s never had a day off before so they can’t say a word. The alternative is battling it out with them . She has also started to look for a new job but she won’t just quit.

AIBU to have suggested this ? It just seems like the easiest option.

This is the inevitable consequence of all those threads about how Christmas is for kids and so parents should have the priority. Those childfree people in your workplaces are someone’s child and have families who want to see them at Christmas and their own struggles to deal with. I say that as a parent of two young adult daughters, one of which has finally managed to get Christmas off this year after working the last two and having to put up with not just discrimination due to not being a parent, but also racist comments about how she doesn’t need Christmas off because she’s a Hindu (she’s not but she’s half Indian so it was assumed).

No it will be so obvious she’s not ill
help her write a letter explaining she more than fine her share
and also discrimination

problem is manager has caved in to arsehole parents who think they shouldn’t have to work be they’ve kids though shit if you take a job involving Christmas working that’s on them childless people shouldn’t have to sacrifice there’s

Will she be able to relax and enjoy Christmas knowing that she lied, let people down, and have to come back to a very pissed off boss when she's back?

I agree with writing a letter, explain how it is unfair and how she feels under valued. Ultimately, she's better off focusing all her energy on looking for another job, maybe a restaurant that isn't open on Xmas day.

This. Hospitality is desperate for staff I'm told. But as @DPotter says, getting a new job may also put her in line for those same shifts. I would try to line up a new job for January, then give her notice in December. Even temping for a bit might be preferable to this place.

I’d help her get another job.

Will she actually call in sick though? She's never wanted to let them down before and I bet they do know this. Has she stopped worryinging so much now she has an inkling the care doesn't extend both ways.

I do agree with others that it sounds like she's on the edge of burn out and the disappointment over leave has probably exacerbated it.

Her boss sounds awful. People without kids also have plans at Christmas and to be down to work all of them is so mean.

I just KNEW this would be hospitality.
Tell her to quit and find something in the new year. The manager sounds absolutely awful. I was enmeshed in that world for almost 16 years. Burnt myself out big style in the end. It's a cult. Leave and find something else. No one is appreciated

Most references just state the person did work there and total sick days. If she’s been there 5 years a few weeks off now won’t hurt a reference at all.

In which case - fuck them. I had thought, working over the whole of Christmas it would be an essential service, but a restaurant - nobody will die if she's off sick.

And honestly, it sounds to me as if calling in sick would not be a lie, her boss's attitude is causing anxiety and that often manifests physically.

Tell her to go to the Dr a week before Christmas and explain her woes, they will more the likely book her off for two weeks with depression. And that's not lying it's the truth and gives them a few days to arrange cover.

Never mind Christmas this poor woman needs to go sick now,

I get this. My daughter is also AuDHD. I would get her to start phoning in sick a few days before XMAS and get a GP sick note for the following week. My daughter has to work weekends and BH but these are in the main fairly distributed.

This. Especially as Audhd/mental health struggles. Others who carry her slack for phoning in will 100% be funny with her when she returns, not to mention the manager. If she can cope with that more easily than going in, phone in sick.

Suggests she hands her notice in and looks for another job in the New Year when she has had some r&r. I would tell her that it would be lovely for you to have her help you with the Christmas preparation. It sounds like she needs a real break. Her employers are guilty of flogging a willing horse

Wishing her every success in finding another job that starts just after Christmas. It would be the easiest solution and would get her away from her horrid boss.

Don't encourage her to lie. Encourage her the look for another job, stand up for herself etc - but don't encourage her to lie. When she gets found out and sacked what will she do?

@JustCallinSick Ok so in my tiny mind, this could possibly be indirect discrimination, if they are disadvantaging people with protected characteristics i.e older workers or those with disabilities? More precisely if the policy disproportionately advantages a group protected by the Equality Act, there could potentially be an indirect discrimination argument, but that would depend on the specific circumstances.

There is a difference between unlawful and unfair. Its certainly unfair. I wouldn't stay there.

Look at her contract of employment, does it say in the leave entitlement that those with kids will be prioritised?

If not, I would be asking again by email, put that she has not had Xmas for 6 years that you have visitors hence her request for leave via the official route on X date and the facts below. She is someone's child. if a company routinely prioritises parents, a reasonable employee might well argue: "I accepted this job expecting an equal chance of popular leave periods." "Nobody told me parents would always come first." "I have family commitments too." "Being a grandparent, aunt, uncle, carer, or someone's adult child is just as important to me." Those are perfectly valid points from an employee relations perspective.

I had this done to me years ago and I fought back, I didn't get it, because they had already approved other peoples leave even though I had applied first. I found a new job, handed my notice in and clearly stated I have been there three years and each year had been refused leave at Christmas and odd days over schools holiday periods on the grounds parents came first.

I stated I would not have accepted the job in the first place had this been made clear in the contract, it was not. They tried to talk me into staying and I said no, I wanted a chance of leave occasionally with my family without getting death ray stares from colleague with kids due to unfair practices they created.

They changed the rules after I left but too late for me. I now check at every interview I have about leave allocation.

DD is in hospitality .. they do either Christmas Day or Boxing Day - pretty shitty than a place would make someone do both.

Managers who do this and say those with kids are a priority - I always wonder how they’d fare if they were taken to a tribunal by someone who couldn’t have kids. Surely that’s discrimination on medical grounds..? Or even just by someone who’s sick of never being able to spend Xmas with their family.

YANBU, OP.

Agree with the plan of going to the GP with her on around the 16-18th December and getting her signed off for 2 weeks with MH burnout which is completely feasible with her diagnosis.

If you can book in advance for after work appointment or do an e consult so they can get back to her during the day so she doesn't need to worry about taking time off for an appointment, then she can call in the next day with evidence and as it's not like she's calling in on Christmas Eve with a random bug, there is little that can be said.

They will have a week to arrange cover for her and those she's covering over Christmas so it's not a last minute panic to get someone in!

Obviously her boss/colleagues are taking advantage of your DD not speaking up or making a fuss so fuck them.

It would be interesting to know if your DD has a contract with specific days that she works. If it's a rota that created by the manager every week or so then it may be harder to work around. But if her working days fall on say Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but Christmas falls on days she wouldn't normally work like Friday, Saturday and Sunday then she could argue that those days are not contracted days and she is not available to work. Do let us know how it alls pans out - I hate it when people treat their staff unfairly. Kids or no kids does not entitle those with kids to cherry pick the days they will work.

I wouldn't lie. She will find that hard qith AudHD and it would be unfair on her.

I'd either help her advocate by requesting a meeting and accompanying her and/or support her to resign for family reasons.

It sounds as though she's burnt out and needs a break. Could she be signed up to do some leisure classes for a month or two to recharge her batteries and rescue her MH?

It's pretty shitty behavior from her to the rest of her team.

Pretty shitty for her 'team' to use her as the Christmas mug too.

I wouldn’t encourage her to lie but I would encourage her to advocate for herself. What sort of restaurant is it? I ask because if it’s a small family affair that’s very very different to pizza and express. Eg I run a small business where everyone is expected to work Xmas. We are clear about it from the start, discuss it through the year etc etc. however, I can see how if I made an innocuous comment about how staff with children have it tough it could be taken in the wrong way.