To tell dd to just lie and call in sick over Xmas ?

[JustCallinSick]

Dd (26). AuDHD and MH struggles including ongoing eating disorder ,anxiety and OCD has been working for 5 years now.

She has never taken a day off sick. She has struggled in with viruses , on bad days , with severe period pain. She loves routine. Every year she has had to work Xmas. 6 hours xmas eve, all day Xmas day and 6 hours Boxing Day. She has never complained (but her boss is really not very nice).

This year (ages ago too!) she requested Xmas period off. This has been rejected and she’s so so upset. She has been feeling worse lately and has had to take more medication for MH and we paid for private therapy so she could go outside of work. We have family visiting this year from abroad and have a lot of plans she is looking forward to.

Her boss has told her that the priority is those with children not her.

Dd is so upset. I’ve calmed her down and told her to just call in sick. There’s nothing they can do and she’s never had a day off before so they can’t say a word. The alternative is battling it out with them . She has also started to look for a new job but she won’t just quit.

AIBU to have suggested this ? It just seems like the easiest option.

I'd usually advise not to lie, but in this case I absolutely would. It's not great for the rest of the people working those days who will have to deal with being short-staffed, but as she's planning to leave anyway... (and it's not outside the realm of possibility that someone might actually be sick over Christmas).

In that case the return to work after Christmas would be really traumatic. I’d suggest getting signed off properly, so that they can make other staffing arrangements, and there’s no argument about her illness.

Do you think your daughter will be able to find the strength ( with your support) to tell her boss that she has worked the last five christmases and will NOT be working this one. They need to find someone else. If they say no, hand her notice in. Her boss will continue to take the piss if she doesn't stand her ground.

I wouldn’t encourage anyone to lie, but on this occasion, it really gets my goat when child free individuals are discriminated against. Complete unfair, discriminatory and poor, poor management.

She needs to change jobs as this situation will still be there next year. Planning to lie in 9 weeks time is just a different type of stress and equally unhelpful

We have family visiting this year from abroad and have a lot of plans she is looking forward to.

that is irrelevant, in my view.

It’s very unfair that she is apparently always going to have to work over Christmas and it’s perfectly understandable that she should leave her job.

However, lying about being ill always gets found out and it won’t help her when she needs a reference.

On second thought, I agree with everyone saying she needs to hand in her notice and just leave. She sounds too conscientious to enjoy Christmas knowing she's lied, and she obviously needs to find a different job, anyway, so this can be the impetus to make it happen now rather than dragging things out even longer.

Alternatively, calling in sick a day or two ahead of Christmas gives them a bit more time to sort things out.

Yabu under these circumstances.
It is only ok to pull a sickie if you can get away with it. Your DD won’t get away with it. She has never taken a sick day. She goes to work when sick. Then she coincidentally calls off sick over the exact days she wanted off? And her boss is a dick who has it in for her. It would be a big christmas pressie for her to hand him a perfect excuse to sack her.

I would first see if DD can swap shifts with her coworkers to get at least some time off. If not, I think a HR enquiry is in order regarding the precedence for parents to have Xmas off and whether this rule envisioned that employees like her would really have to work all Xmas holidays five years in a row.

Handing in her notice is a valid approach but I would plan that for 1 month from now and start looking for another job. If 20th November rolls around with no job lined up, then go to the GP and get signed off sick for a couple of months due to stress. This will give a bit extra time to find another job.

Her AuDHD is a disability, and if she is having to change meds and have therapy to help she is already unwell. She should phone in sick at this time, don't wait for Christmas. As a disabled person she is protected by employment law.

Id tell her to get signed off for a couple weeks if her MH is that fragile
I hate this " people with young children get priority " ! Why ??? The childless still have family they would like to see .
Nah , they'd replace anyone in an instant if someone was sacked . Loyalty doesn't go far in ANY company

I am worried that lying over being in sick may also cause her some anxiety.
She'd do better to quit imo.

The boss, as you say isn't very nice and also isn't being fair. It's surely discrimination too? There's many reasons why some people don't have children.

DD worked a job that was open over Christmas but she found some coworkers were much keener to have New Year's eve and day off instead so she did a swap. Could your DD ask if there is anyone willing to swap with her?

Is there an HR contact at the company, is it part of a larger company, or is her boss the ultimate decision maker?

I would first go to HR and ask to have the policy clarified - there will be a policy which may be unfair (eg first come first served) but is unlikely to be kids trump all,

Then ask them to confirm that under the policy her leave request has been correctly refused - odds are it hasn't, but perhaps it has.

If they can confirm that then she has a choice but personally I wouldn't recommend calling in sick, she would be better leaving.

If they can't confirm that then request a review, she requested x months ago, she has worked x christmas's on the trot and she has family coming who she rarely sees, she is very disappointed that her request has not been approved given she has [worked more than statistically likely based on random allocation and she requested the leave x months ahead]

None of those things entitle her to special treatment but they do make a case, especially if she can state people who requested after her have been given leave, etc.

And if that doesn't work then notice to leave on 23rd, which gives her manager plenty of time to rework the roster so whoever has to cover it gets advance notice.

I'd have her go sick the week before Christmas and get a note for 2 weeks - give her a proper break. Going sick isn't a bad idea to reset the relationship at work and hopefully they'll realise she needs support too.

Employers treating young workers like they are less important than older people with children is just shit - I had this when I was younger and just told them my family time is as important as anyone else's and I wouldn't be in. I appreciate your young person isn't able but employers get away with things because people don't push back enough.

What kind of work is it?
Just thinking perhaps she’d be lucky and get a new job lined up so that she can just hand her notice in and leave this job before Christmas.
Her boss sounds horrible, Christmas working should always be on a rota basis, no favouring those with kids.

If she’s prone to burnout / shutdown at the idea of confrontation then I would definitely not suggest faking sick leave. Her boss sounds like a dickhead and as she already requested it and it’s been rejected he’ll almost certainly make a remark. Think about how anxious she’ll feel over Christmas, worrying about what her boss might say when she returns.

Does she desperately need the money? If she’s living at home I’d encourage her to hand her notice in, take a short break and find something new. 5 years is plenty especially at a job with a terrible manager.

I am a manager and also mother to DD who has mental health struggles and probable autism.

The mother side is the more important. If she is stressed and burnt out she needs to be signed off by her GP now, and take that time to decide if the job is worth it. My DD has just left a job she loved because it was wrecking her mental health, and the difference in her is amazing. Only possible as she’s living with me, so possibly not an option to just quit, but she could start looking for something else whilst she is off sick.

If she wants to stay in the job phoning in sick at Xmas should be a last resort. Is the company big enough to have HR in-house? If so she should email them asking whether her manager is sticking to policy. He isn’t. They should sort it, but if her manager is as bad as they sound, please watch for signs he retaliates, and follow up with HR, or another manager if there is one.

If it’s a small company with no other manager or HR I would seriously suggest she leaves. It won’t get better,

No job is worth more than her health,

I’d be getting signed off too. Her MH may well improve with some time away from a toxic environment like that!

This is what I was going to say. Instead of phoning in sick and worrying about facing the boss afterwards, I think she should self certificate 7 days the week before Xmas and get a week or 2 sickness

I read the title and thought YABU then I read your post and now believe YANBU.
Normally I’d be really against not going into a job but she’s being treated very badly.
I would tell her she’s being treated very unfairly by a nasty thoughtless boss and that you’re prepared to phone in for her on Christmas Eve and every other day she needs.
I hope you all enjoy your Christmas and she’s successful in getting a new job.

It’s awful that they make her work it every year. I have kids and have worked my fair share of Xmas day. If you work in certain sectors it goes with the territory. I’d actually wonder if it’s a form of indirect age discrimination because younger people are less likely to have kids?

If I were her I wouldn’t be working it, ideally by just refusing point blank or if can’t cope with the confrontation ring in sick/get signed off for a couple of weeks.

She’s put in a request for annual leave and been refused, now you want her to lie about being ill. Whilst it sounds tempting, how do you think she will be able to cope with keeping up the lie when she returns to work? How would she respond if her boss asked her directly if she had actually been ill? You cannot guarantee absolutely that her employer won’t find out - if they do she would likely be dismissed for gross misconduct and get a very bland reference for any new job she applies for.
Is she working in hospitality? She needs to be coached on how to approach her boss about her requests being refused - it could fall within disability discrimination.

Bless her! They are taking advantage of her.

It's discrimination to prioritise people with children over childless employees. Most obviously it's age discrimination. Everyone has people they love who they want to see on Christmas day, not just those with young kids. She could raise a formal grievance about it but that's a path with pitfalls of it's own. Good luck to her for jobhunting elsewhere.