My new bf

[sandybeaches74]

So I’ve had a new boyfriend since October last year. He’s good to me, kind to me, does lots of jobs around the house, cooks, cleans, is great with my kids etc… However, I am paying for everything, he is using my car, he is eating my food, he is basically living in my home rent free. He does pay when we go out for meals occasionally but tbh that’s not that often. When I asked for his share of the price of our summer holiday he was upset. He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered. It kind of leaves me with nowhere to go on the conversation. He doesn’t want to book any holidays so it’s always my idea and then I pay. I had a horrible husband before I met him and he is not that at all… but something isn’t sitting right here… everytime I raise it, I just don’t get anywhere so I have realised there is no point. Can you give me your views?

He's not a good guy at heart. He's totally taking advantage of you and your children.

Him cooking and cleaning isn't some great quality. Any adult should do that as an absolute baseline. The fact you're grateful not to be cooking and cleaning for him as well as funding, housing, feeding him and everything else says it all. Stop cutting him slack for being 'good at heart' when he's brazenly a total sponge! Such men moving in with you and your DC shouldn't creep up by stealth. It should be an intentional and clear negotiation with proper agreements on his fair contribution and what the whole set-up is, and really it could've waited longer.

He's taking the absolute piss and will probably panic and start paying for some shopping again if you raise this as an issue, but really he's shown you who he is and how unequal he sees this relationship. Just because you earn well, he's let you foot the bill as if he's some prize and only needs to wash up now and again. Work out what he owes you and come to a grown up arrangement if you want this to go on. Personally I couldn't have any respect for a man who took me for a ride like that.

Your money is going to support a cocklodger who is taking from your kids. The food he eats could be for your kids. The gas he uses, the increased car use, the money going there could be going for your kids. The bills you pay, same

You're paying good money to have this guy living with you. If you have put aside enough to put your kids through university as well as pay for things like driving lessons and activities and have good amounts going into your pension, then you can afford to pay for your cocklodger. If not, you can't afford a freeloader bf who is using your money to fund his life. Good guys don't rush moving in with women with kids and sure don't expect them to fund their lives. That's a user.

You're also modeling to your kids to rush relationships and paying for a sugar baby is ok.

A good guy wouldn't not contribute .....
As many have told you he's a cocklodger.

OP listen to Bills Bills Bills by Destiny's Child.

It was written about your man.

Then bin him off.

Just doesn’t pay towards anything really… and it’s kind of happening more and more. At first he paid for the occasional food shop. A weekend away etc It’s all now stopped. This is my issue“

After only a year, his mask is already slipping. When he gets even more comfortable, all the cooking and cleaning will stop.

He’s either a good person or not. Nobody is “good at heart”. If you’re having to dig that deep to see the good, you’re just coping.

I also can’t believe you moved in a new boyfriend into your kids’ home after less than a year.

Yes you need the harsh words.
He's using you and your home.
He's living off you.
You are paying to have a man in your life.

Would you like this for your children?
To be used like this.

He must privately think you are a bit desperate because you have mentioned it, but he just ignored you completely.

Don't be used.
Don't give up your self respect and self esteem to a man who is mean as hell, saving and banking his money whilst he lives off you.

I feel very sorry for your children in this.
They have a man constantly in their home who is using their mother.

Please wake up to this.
You have been in serious denial.

It’s been said before, but it very much bears repeating as it seems it’s not sinking in: HE’S NOT A GOOD GUY. He’s a cocklodging leech who’s bleeding you dry!
You should be saving money for your children/uni/emergencies, not giving this user free food and holidays.

It’s amazing what some people will put up with just to have a bloke.

He's totally taking advantage of you and you're letting him. Tell him to go home. Get rid of the cocklodger

Don't let him pay your mortgage! May claim later against you if you split.
Tell him to go back wherever he came from. If you want to continue dating, go for it - but date. You know, where you meet up, go out and do things, take turns in paying.... not move in within a year.

This!

My exh didn’t want to be on the mortgage so he paid ‘board’! He did pay a lot more while I was on mat leave and not earning. He has a similar arrangement with his current partner. It’s her house. She pays the bills and he buys the food and wine! He always paid his share of holidays and meals/days out. He also bought ‘stuff’ for the house.

Your BF needs to be contributing to food and bills and paying his way when you go out. Also if you don’t want him living there full time, it’s a bit soon imo if you have kids, then you need to have that conversation.

Gosh, op, u do realise it’s ok to be single right? You know this isn’t right and he’s definitely not a good guy just because he isn’t as bad as your last one. And you don’t have to put up with it. What are you teaching your kids? Get rid 😳

I keep saying this on MN and hopefully someday someone will listen.

You had a horrible husband.
Just because the new guy isn't as bad, it doesn't make him good.

He's still an assole who isn't treating you right and you need to get rid.

He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered.

So how would he react if you served up a meal for everyone but not him?

Presumably he's using your water, showers, washing machine, benefits from Wifi, heating, etc etc.

He needs to leave.

Bloody hell, mans basically living cor free. Can’t beleive you’ve allowed this

Oh dear. Definitely a cocklodger.

Maybe you can continue dating him but he moves back to his own place?

Boot him out. You really shouldn’t let randoms move in with your kids, you’ve only known him a year and he’s already there full time bleeding you dry.

Just to add - he is currently taking the piss so I would be questioning whether or not he’s the ‘good’ guy you say he is!

I can’t beleive the cheek of him though, when you raised it, saying eh doesn’t ask to eat your dinners, and still didn’t offer to contribute !

What the hell am I reading here?!

This guy is using you 1000%. Kick him out and lock the door.

YABU for allowing this to happen!

Making himself all useful and getting free food, holidays, likely sex on tap, for saying a few nice things and acting like a handy man,

how on earth would anyone allow this,

Research the cost of being a lodger in your area. Add to that half the cost of running the car. Add to that his share of food. You are probably looking at about 1k a month contribution. If he is living with you half the time then he needs to pay half the cost.

Holidays and days out he obviously pays his share as an extra expense.

His reaction to this will tell you all you need to know.