My new bf

[sandybeaches74]

So I’ve had a new boyfriend since October last year. He’s good to me, kind to me, does lots of jobs around the house, cooks, cleans, is great with my kids etc… However, I am paying for everything, he is using my car, he is eating my food, he is basically living in my home rent free. He does pay when we go out for meals occasionally but tbh that’s not that often. When I asked for his share of the price of our summer holiday he was upset. He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered. It kind of leaves me with nowhere to go on the conversation. He doesn’t want to book any holidays so it’s always my idea and then I pay. I had a horrible husband before I met him and he is not that at all… but something isn’t sitting right here… everytime I raise it, I just don’t get anywhere so I have realised there is no point. Can you give me your views?

What is his actual justification for not wanting pay half the costs of your joint summer holiday though? On what basis could he possibly "get upset" about that, especially as he's in work and has no monthly bills of his own?

You say whenever you raise the subject it goes nowhere, but I'm intrigued to know how he could possibly think you're being unreasonable to expect him to pay his way when he's basically living with you?

You deserve better @sandybeaches74 this selfish man is massively taking advantage of you. He’s then gaslighting you, by making you question yourself in this situation. Get rid of him, he’s a loser.

My view is that he is taking you for an absolute mug, and you have been dickmatised! One, two, three open your eyes and chuck him out.

If he is your partner, it is a partnership. That means both sides contribute.

If he is living in your home (which he really should be invited to do), he should be paying something, this could be a portion of the bills if you don't think contributing to the mortgage is right (or needed) for you and he has his own home.

If you want to go on holiday, he pays to join you. Or he doesn't go.

If you go on a day out, he pays for his ticket, or meal, at a minimum.

Obviously there is the alternative view that not all spouses pay into household finances. There are SAHP, the difference being it should be mutually agreed in advance and both sides still contribute to the running of the home/family, just not always financially. I think this is where you are finding it a little more complicated, it sounds like he is making a contribution by helping out in the house. But you aren't in a mutually agreed situation, as you haven't told him you will finance everything in exchange. He is also working, so does have money!

He sounds miserly, which isn't the kind of person I would want to be with. If you think he can change, or you can see past it, you need to set out your minimum terms for a financial contribution. If he won't do that, you have a simple choice. Continue to bankroll him or get rid. Good luck!

So you didn't ask re dinners ... Okay. Then by his logic, you asked re summer hol and he still said no. If he wouldn't book one himself because he can't afford it, then you leave him at home. Even better, leave him in the dust behind you as he's a clinger on and has his own agenda or he wouldn't so fiercely defend himself. He should be embarrassed.

Absolutely 💯 this. Get rid.

All of this. He has no shame. Get rid.

Some bloke’s living in their home after you’ve only been with him 12 months, and that’s prioritising your kids??

How long has he known them?

Oh lovey. You've been hoodwinked.

Tell him it's time he went to his own home. You aren't bankrolling his life anymore.

Well that’s not really sensible or good enough when you have children living with you OP, to have let an unrelated man move in by stealth without really noticing, after knowing him for only a year…

First reply nailed it. Cocklodger, get rid.

He is taking the piss already, paying nothing towards his living costs.

The fact he expects you to pay his share of holiday costs as well is unreal.

Essentially you are paying for his life @sandybeaches74 . That will not end unless you change your relationship status.

Aw, you're dating Spongebob Cocklodger. Time for him to pop off back to his own free home. For the amount it will cost you in food, car use, etc etc etc, you could pay a handyman to do any jobs around the house.

If he's so good with the kids and housework, why don't you just all stealthly move into his place 🤔.

Do you like him enough to pay to keep him?
If you take it away & address the issue properly he’ll probably vanish to find someone else to sponge off.

If you genuinely really like him and can afford it, then it’s a decision you need to make.

Personally I’d find it deeply unattractive.

Where do you live. I'm moving in i fancy being a cock longer. He'd even cook for us!

If he’s got his own home then perhaps not rent as such, but definitely half of food, transport, entertainment and holiday expenses.

Your ex must have been horrible on if you think this man is good at heart. He is not. He is using you and you are letting him. He is also being manipulative by getting upset if you bring it up. I bet he will ratchet up his manipulative behaviour if you take a firm stance on this.

You really need to think about your self worth and how it’s impacting on who you are choosing to have a relationship with.

Get rid. He is taking advantage of your kind and generous nature, and then has the barefaced cheek to turn it on you when you raise it with him.
An embarrassment of a man.

Does he work? Just think while you've been paying for everything he has saved all his salary.

Christ, op. How exactly is he "good and kind"? He sounds horrid!

While he is not "obviously" abusive @sandybeaches74 , he is not that good a person because he is fine with taking advantage of you financially.

If he lived alone, his essential living costs would be MUCH higher.

Assume you are making use of ‘Single Person Discount’ of 25% off your council tax?
If BF is living there permanently:
a) is he paying zero council tax on his unlived-in home?
b) should the full council tax on OP’s home be paid?,
c) Should BF at least be paying his half/portion of your council tax?

Tell him he needs to leave and live back in his own home
Then see where the relationship goes from there- he is literally taking money away from your kids

I think the solution is to either stop offering him dinners and your car or you dump him. He won’t like it when you stop offering dinners even though he “wouldn’t have them unless you offered them”. I think he’s offering his domestic labour so he gets free dinners and holidays in return. Doesn’t really seem like a fair trade off.