My new bf

[sandybeaches74]

So I’ve had a new boyfriend since October last year. He’s good to me, kind to me, does lots of jobs around the house, cooks, cleans, is great with my kids etc… However, I am paying for everything, he is using my car, he is eating my food, he is basically living in my home rent free. He does pay when we go out for meals occasionally but tbh that’s not that often. When I asked for his share of the price of our summer holiday he was upset. He says that he doesn’t ask to eat my dinners and he wouldn’t have them unless I offered. It kind of leaves me with nowhere to go on the conversation. He doesn’t want to book any holidays so it’s always my idea and then I pay. I had a horrible husband before I met him and he is not that at all… but something isn’t sitting right here… everytime I raise it, I just don’t get anywhere so I have realised there is no point. Can you give me your views?

My God, he is the spongiest of spongy freeloaders, he's not a good guy; good guys don't leech off other people they pay their own way. It is totally unacceptable behaviour by him.

Tell him to pick a window

I think he's just worked out that maintaining your home is far easier than doing a full time job. If you disregard the fact that he's using you for a minute, just work out how much you're paying for him to do his 'job' of housekeeper. Now work out the cost of a cleaner and gardener. I imagine he's costing you more.

I have an unconventional set up with my partner as I live between 2 homes and a massive part of my income is tied up in my own home, and his outgoings are far less than mine and his income is higher.

So I contribute in lots of different practical ways same as your DP, difference is I am always offering to pay for things and he often won’t let me and gets offended. When we went on holiday he paid for the bulk of it and I paid for as much as I was able to, parking, airport transfers, food for our apartment and some meals out but I also organised it all. When we are at home I will get shopping in and cook, clean and do laundry, but not all of it in repayment but enough to pull my weight.

I am wary of resentment so I often initiate conversations about paying my way even if he dismisses me. It’s absolutely fine for you to talk to him about this because you will resent him otherwise

Don't include him in your holidays. Send him home occasionally so he doesn't spend so much time at yours. Lend him the car if he fills it up. Ensure he hosts you as often as you host him. Just tell him you can't afford the extra food.

Well he's not a 'kind man at heart' if he's free loading off of you and then making you feel bad when you ask him to contribute! Wake up.

I voted YABU for moving a "new boyfriend" in with your children

He’s not “a good guy”, because good guys don’t take the piss then get all shirty when they’re called out on it. He’s a devious snake, chuck him back

You have been silly. Very.

Good thing about your situation is that it is pretty much reversible.

Sling him out. Move on. Stay single.

Most people are realy nice and kind when they are getting everything they want - its when you say no or try to establish a boundary that you truly see who they are

You’ve know him just coming up for a year and you’ve moved him in with your children already! Poor kids.

He may be a good guy in some ways, but he has no idea of money or sharing living expenses in an adult way. He thinks you ought to be covering his costs as you do for the children.

Sorry but that’s not acceptable behaviour from him. Ok he might do stuff in the house/with the kids but that doesn’t mean he has no financial contribution to make. A normal response would be for him to be keen to have a conversation to sort out the money side of things as it is so one sided. Not to come up with nonsense as to why he shouldn’t pay anything. You could call his bluff and not include him in dinner and holidays as he doesn’t want them (as an adult he does have the ability to say no thanks to things he supposedly doesn’t want). To be frank though, life is too short for you to spend time explaining the obvious. This is really not a situation where the right and wrong of things is finely balanced. He is clearly highly unreasonable. A man who is unable to (a) take responsibility for his own living expenses and b) takes offence when it is brought up and (c) is unwilling to engage in a reasonable conversation is ultimately not someone who is going to contribute positively to your life. Every penny spent towards him is a money take away from you and your kids and that’s not on.

You said your ex was horrible, I fear you haven't moved on far and maybe your barr is low. This new man is neither nice nor kind.

You've been taken for a mug for over a year, he is sadly using you and youre allowing it.

Please speak to a professional and get rid of this man!

“Of course I prioritise my children”

Moving a stranger into their house is the opposite of prioritising them!

Get rid, OP.

I know what kind of home he has. He moved in with you for the winter and he's decided to make himself useful, pay nothing and stash away his income for his summer adventures. From the way he's responded when challenged it's not his first rodeo. He's a pro cocklodger. It sounds like he paid just about enough initially to get away with it and now he's put his wallet away for winter.

@sandybeaches74 I'm going to repost here what I put on another couple of threads, having read some of the bizarre out-there replies on posts recently.

Just a word about Mumsnet - there are a proportion of posters who will deliberately try to be contrary in order to put the boot in. There are, in fact, some men who deliberately try to be downright nasty in order to make Mumsnet a place where people feel unable to post.
It's worth weighing the useful posts (which can include robust talking, but doesn't include deliberately misunderstanding or nasty posts) and just ignore the rest. On top of the deliberately unpleasant people, there are also many who pass comment on situations they've never been in and think 'oh this is how I'd handle it' without having the experience or insight to realise that actually being in a situation is often different from how you think it'll be.

Tell him you cant afford this so he can no longer use the car or stay for tea unless he wants to contribute. And if he doesnt and leaves you.. theres your answer

He has every idea about living expenses. He's grifting.

Jesus Christ. Haven’t you heard No Scrubs by TLC?

Can’t you see he’s using you? It’s obvious. Ditch him.

He's freeloading. You don't have to accept this.

A lot has been already covered. If you want a holiday, book one for you and your kids. When he complains (if you decide for whatever strange reason to keep him around) tell him he’s never shown interest in holidays; if he wants to go he has to pay his own way.

You were used to having a husband who was horrible to you and this person is nice to you.
But he's really not "a good guy", he is deliberately using you to pay for him, all the time.
" Just doesn’t pay towards anything really… and it’s kind of happening more and more. At first he paid for the occasional food shop. A weekend away etc It’s all now stopped."

It's difficult because on the surface it doesn't seem that bad. He's nice, does the washing up - but look at the above...
"It's kind of happening more and more." Look at those words, that is your warning sign.... Think about what it might be like in a years time.. when it will be a case of you rocking the boat to even dare to ask for contributions.

That's how you know it's deliberate.
He's been gradually ramping it up and up... so its hardly noticable until you wake up one day like you just have and think "What the f?"
But he had you thinking, well if I pay for y, why not x. And when you raise it with him, he shuts down the conversation or makes you feel horribly guilty and money grabbing.
But again. That's how you know its deliberate, if you presented the same facts to an ordinary, honest person, who hadn't been thinking about it... they'd be horrified and making proposals as to how to contribute. You wouldn't have been on here asking us what's a fair contribution..

BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE OFFERED BY NOW.

Its deliberate. Its dishonest and it's happening "more and more" and therefore, he is NOT a nice guy at heart. He may have good manners but he's consciously and deliberately taking advantage of you for his own benefit.

And that whole scenario about the holiday. He knew you wanted a holiday.. so all he had to do was hold out long enough. Protest that he didn't want a holiday and wait for you to decided you needed a holiday. Of course he couldn't be expected to pay his way... after all he'd said again and again he didn't want to go on holiday.
Except. When you were paying. He did.

And that's another sign that it will get worse and worse. He's moved on from eating your food all the time to the big ticket numbers.. and made it all seem so moderate and casual because he mows the lawn and looks useful

I just think that every pound you've wasted on this leech, could have gone into your savings for the future, for the kids future, education/or future housing.
Sorry OP

You need to raise the bar. Just because he isn't as bad as your husband,doesn't mean that he's a decent guy. He really isn't a good guy at heart, he's a user and he saw you coming. You have children, yet you are allowing this waste of space to leech off you. He doesn't want a holiday, that's fine, just book one with your children - stop trying to force him to play happy families You have given him too much too soon. Get your car back, spend your money on your kids.