AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

That’s awful. I’m so sorry for your poor DN and your family. I think the school
should be absolutely devastated this has happened.

This is awful. I’d raise hell fire with them. Your poor nephew.

'M a teacher and I think this is unacceptable, tbh.

Yes, there are a lot of children to learn and remember but the orphaned child should be the one you definitely don't forget!

Is the club run by school or a separate business?

If the former, I'd he inclined to go and speak with the HT.

Once would be unfortunate, twice would be careless. Six times in a short space of time is personal and should be considered bullying.

How can she forget the kid who she upset so much he was sick? If she's that detached from the world around her I would question if she's fit to be leaving the house unaccompanied.

I had exactly the same thing with my nephews when they lost their mum- people in shops, people on the street refer to me as mum. The school really really shouldn’t. So upsetting for everyone.

I don't understand how someone can forget this regularly when they see the upset it causes at drop off. So either the TA is doing it with malicious intent or she has something going on that causes serious memory problems and therefore shouldn't be responsible for the care of DC.

Good God, hasn’t the school made any attempt to get the crap TA off that duty?
The poor little lad, and you must be both heartbroken and spitting feathers.
I think you're dead right to refuse to pay, but far better would be the discreet redeployment of that godawful assistant.
The boy needs (I imagine) to get back into that happy routine asap.
Damn, I’m angry for you all. Good luck. (And what a lovely aunt he has)

It’s absolutely unacceptable. There are many reasons why school staff need to be hyper aware of some pupils’ background details, but this is less about that, and more about just being a decent human being making the effort not to distress a distressed child even further.

Unfortunately I know someone who would absolutely do this and without malice in fact it's a wonder she remembers to breath. Sadly the school don't seem bothered that she has less common sense than a 5 year old.

@JustAnotherWhinger I'd raise merry hell with the school and involve the governors if necessary. It's not acceptable and if the TA is incapable of remembering something this significant she should not be working with vulnerable children she may cause further distress to.

It’s run by the school.

I’ve been trying to balance it out because I want to raise absolute merry hell over it.

But I also know that my knack of knowing all the names and stories of the kids in schools (I was in and out different schools) very quickly is just luck and isn’t the norm. I just have that kind of memory.

I’m actually really pissed off that it hasn’t been dealt with as his class teacher and the Deputy head are aware of it from previous times.

Youd think Health and Safety concerns (re her charges) would have been brought up when an adult is that lacking in awareness

I'm not always great with names but my goodness, after the second time I'd done that, I'd be so mortified it would not happen again. You're right to go hard on this. The school should expect better for a very young child who they should be taking extra special care with.

I’m just so sad for him.

I’m furious. But mostly sad for him.

He’s an amazing wee kid and he’s done so fucking well with everything that’s been thrown at him.

That’s awful. If she can’t get it right surely she can just say nothing at all?! Just ‘Hello X!’ Surely kids are coming with all sorts of carers etc. not just mums anyway. Your poor DN.

It’s so easy to resolve as well. It doesn’t matter whether she can remember which child is who. She just needs to start saying “say bye bye to your grown up” or even just “say bye bye!”. The first time it happened I’d have taken it as a reminder not to assume anything, to keep doing it is pure callous stupidity.

Wow. They just need to learn to say ‘say goodbye’

they need to learn a new script that works for everyone. You are not being unreasonable

Say goodbye to your grown up. Covers all bases. It's what we did when I worked in primary

That's awful and they shouldn't try to make you pay under these circumstances. I'm not the best with names, but I can't imagine this happening (multiple times!) and not being so mortified that your nephew's face and story would be permanently burned into my mind. She shouldn't be handling the door with such poor memory as that. Doesn't sound capable at all!

The TA would not even have to remember your poor DN if they just stopped saying 'mum'!

'come in, don't forget to say goodbye!'
'Thomas, your adult is here for you.'

It's not difficult!

I have worked in a very large primary and got used to asking children 'who do you live with at home?' before ever mentioning mum or dad, as many children have different home circumstances.

Two things - firstly she's an idiot, how do you forget about the orphaned child? He would be front and center in the mind of any normal person.

Secondly, they need to have an updated policy on this. He will not be the only one that is picked up by someone else - even DS's swimming lesson provider is hot on this, fgs - they always say 'when you see someone you know' not 'when you can see mum or dad'.

“The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids”

Sorry, but with 25 kids, she should know all their names by the end of the first week, and also recognise the appropriate adult who drops them off.

"say goodbye" is an obvious solution but "to your grown-up" sounds bizarre. You're the second person to say it though ...

Edited to close my inverted commas!

Oh how could you forget this very sad story
I would be targetting her for a good kick up the ass from the school. How bloody tormenting.
To habe ti remove the boy from his bestie as well...not cool.
Sack the biarch

I would have raised merry hell after the second occurrence.

Once is a mistake, anything else is outrageous.

I’d have been in the HT’s office going mental.

This needs a complaint in writing. It won't be forgotten. Verbal words are less strong.