AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

Start raising merry hell then.

After the first time it happened it should have stopped. If the TA can’t remember which children don’t have mummy’s then they should just say “say bye” and not say anything else.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, the TA should know after being told, not to mention Mommy, if it was the first time you had took him I could understand it, but you have carefully told her the setup. If she can't take that on board, perhaps, she shouldn't be employed at a school, any schoolnkkmkkkkkkllll

I can't understand a greeter who has no memory for faces making a remark like that to ANY kid, it's unnecessary- I would definitely complain.
I have no memory for faces myself and would never say something like this to kids if I wasn't aware all of them are brought by their mothers- it's either very lazy, very stupid or malicious- none of which are great.

That TA needs a very severe talking to, that is downright appalling behaviour. She can pay the notice if the school has an issue.

What I would say however is that if DN wants to see his friend, could you reinstate after a short break? Ie be led by him.

This is disgraceful. I (ex HT and DSL) would put in a formal written complaint to the Head and the DSL, and copy in the Chair of Govs. I would make sure that the complaint included your disappointment that no-one checked up on how the child was after the TA had upset him so much. I would not pay the month's notice and would let rip and tell them exactly why.

Just a thought, though - I suppose it’s not possible that the TA doesn’t know the full circumstances and just thinks his auntie delivers him, is it?

YANBU, @JustAnotherWhinger . I am a Support for Learning Assistant (Scotland) and we are briefed about children who have lost parents, this is important, particularly for those who have lost the main caregiver, the mother.

I wish you had immediately brought this to the attention of the head teacher, it really is that serious. The HT should then have spoken to staff and informed them that mistakes like this are not acceptable. Perhaps the staff can in future not even say anything to the children to arrive, not "say goodbye to xxx". Leave that to the children themselves. I am so sorry to read about your DN's distress .

There will be a complaints process advertised on the website and it almost certainly doesn’t involve individual governors. Attempting to circumvent it is inappropriate and just complicates matters - governors cannot ad hoc involve themselves in complaints.

OP sounds like so far she’s spoken to the class teacher and Deputy Head but not actually made a formal written complaint. That would be my suggested next step - it is a safeguarding issue in that he is not emotionally safe with this adult nor does this adult appear capable of retaining information like allergies or medical information or who is allowed to pick up who. Only if the headteacher’s written response is unsatisfactory should it go further.

I wish every kids had a you watching their back... you sound amazing OP x

Bloody hell - my oldest is 26 !!!! When he was at ASC the staff always referred to ‘your grown up’. This is hardly new.

Some urgent retraining is needed here. I would complain in writing to the HT and request a follow up meeting. S/he would then be in no doubt as to how angry I am.

That’s beyond crap. If a TA can’t remember a child with his history out of a group of 25 the they’re in the wrong bloody job. I’d be sending a very firm and calmly furious email to everyone I could. Then speak to them in person next week. Don’t pay. They need to resolve this.

Yes just stop calling all women “mummy” - ridiculous behaviour!

Nothing to add that hasn’t already been expressed really eloquently already but this made me cry, actually. I felt sick to my stomach as an adult who still has her mum…
I honestly cannot fathom what’s going on with any of the employees in this situation, and the fact they aren’t responding in humane or responsible ways would lead me to take a formal route as your reasonable and tolerant approach has not worked. I’m so sorry.
Love to you all.

Spot on!

She doesn't have to remember all of the kids name, she just has to remember your nephew's face and not be a prick to him. He simply cannot keep going through the trauma of this. Raise hell op!

Very common practice. As is 'trusted adult'.

A lot of women dropping off won't be 'mummy', they'll be aunts, sisters, cousins, childminders, grans etc etc, calling everyone mummy is actually ridiculous in this instance.

Having worked in schools for 20 years myself I’m usually the first one to jump to their defence but this is unforgivable. Poor wee lad, how could anyone forget.

Adding my voice to say yes absolutely raise hell. The TA needs to learn. If 6 times upsetting the poor child hasn't made it sink in she needs a proper formal intervention. It's not OK. Your poor DN.

If you choose to keep him at home could you offer to have his friend dropped at your house once a week so they can walk to school together? This might soften the blow of him missing his friend?

Edited to add - I'd absolutely raise hell about this, I work in a school and know every childs name, I feel she is doing this on purpose.

Gross miscompetence. Once is a mistake (which most of us would feel ill of we made and def not make again). That amount if times is either because she is not fit for her job as she either doesnt care or cant retain information. Either way he deserves better. I think what else is she doing tbh. If she cant get that right. What can she get right. For the shake of dn and other kids please speak up

I haven’t been inactive in it. I was just under the impression it was being dealt with/sorted.

So the first time it happened the TA was apologetic and DN was a bit upset but his friend arrived and all was good after that.

Next time I spoke with the TA, who seemed mortified, and also spoke to the class teacher. The Deputy Head spoke to me at pick up and very much gave the impression it was being dealt with.

Then we had a few sessions of it being fine.

Then it happened again two days in a row and I said to the TA that this cannot keep happening. I went to the office after he went in and spoke to the Deputy Head again. He was very apologetic and said it would be dealt with.

Then last week the other TA was doing the door. So that, to me, appeared to have been the resolution. His mummy has never been mention in the sessions so it seemed ok.

Yesterday when it happened the other TA came and took over, took DN and I inside. I calmed him and then his teacher came by. She was really annoyed when I explained what had happened. Said she’d flag it up and asked DN and his friend if they wanted to come to the classroom early and be her helpers. At pick up she said it had been flagged up and she’d spoken to the management team.

Then today.

So I haven’t formally complained in writing, but I don’t want folks to think I’ve not actually done anything.

From your update of how she did it just yesterday, how on earth is this women trusted to work with young children. There's no way this is accidental, she appears to be getting some sort of kick out of doing this.

She knows exactly what she is doing. Any sane adult would be mortified the first time and would go out of their way not to make the same mistake again. She is getting some kind of kick from this. Do not let this drop.

I’ve only read your posts OP but am in the same position as @WearyAuldWumman.
Most importantly, your DN is a champion, an absolutely superb young man who is making me smile having calculated the distance between your house, the slide and the school gate. What a star!
Imo the TA is completely out of order, mindlessly trotting out the same goodbye whilst she should be making a special effort with him.
It could be that the HT, having received your cancellation, has spoken to the TA and wants to be fully up to speed before she addresses your concerns on Monday.
What would I do? I’d take him back in on Monday, send him off to play for a minute with his wee bestie while I firmly introduced myself as DN’s aunty, not his mummy who has died, then call him over, say goodbye and watch the TA speak to him correctly. Keep introducing yourself to her as Aunty X and lock eyes with her until she stops making this glaring error which understandably is having such a profound effect upon him. You can’t really expect the other TA to greet him personally (even though it would be better for him and you) as that would single him out.
Don’t move schools. Think of the bigger picture which has always served you well and will continue to, once this is resolved,