AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

wow I'd be raising merry hell. This is really not on.Hope you get it sorted.

I would definitely complain, it's just laziness or incompetence!

The school need to talk to her and if she can't recognise faces, or be more mindful, then she needs a new 'phrase' that she doles out!

One of the reasons I’m so surprised is because this school is usually excellent.

The HT is brilliant. The deputy is normal brilliant as well. It’s a lovely school. It’s literally at the end of our path. DN tried to negotiate walking to school himself because he worked out he’s allowed to go to the slide in our back garden himself and that is further than the school gate (he’s a funny wee guy sometimes 😂).

Moving him isn’t a simple option. We’re rural. Next nearest school is 30 minutes away. I also have one in Y6 DS at this school, and one DD who is collected by taxi to go to her special school.

If she knows she struggles with names etc she should have a policy of not saying anything blanket. Can’t she just say hello to the child and have a nice day to the adult without asking any child to say anything at all?

@JustAnotherWhinger what have the school said when you’ve raised this with them (multiple times?)

A huge part of a school’s safeguarding requirements are to take a responsibility and care for a child’s mental, social and emotional well being. This is a clear failure in that respect and I don’t think you’d be at all unreasonable in submitting a formal complaint . I’d be seriously escalating this and given you’ve not heard anything from the leadership team so far today my next complaint would be going straight to the governors, followed by the LEA.

It's very strange that it hasn't been dealt with given your previous good experience with the management team. It suggests that communication has gone astray. Were the deputy or head aware after the first instance? Or the class teacher? I'd expect a class teacher to report something like this to a safeguarding lead to be honest. The first time it happened.

This -she needs to figure out a work around. Can't she stick to "see you tomorrow", "have a nice weekend"?! It is not that difficult

I think its shit the school haven't got back today. Looking at the time it looks like it will be next week at the earliest now

Mistakes happen, but latterly every school that I worked in made a point of impressing upon staff that not all children are fortunate enough to be living with a mother and/or father.

I was a middle manager in secondary for some years. Complain @JustAnotherWhinger .

I know you know this, but moving shouldn’t be the solution, it absolves the school from any and all responsibility and you should absolutely not be the ones who are having to seriously inconvenience yourselves because one TA can’t get this right. It also shows your DN that any time he’s upset by something said to him about his mum, he is the problem, not the school.

As a Nursery Nurse ,We had a much older Dad .Once my friend said, "here comes Grandad "(not within earshot thankfully) My boss hissed "No its Daddy" Once and we never forgot again.

All she has to say - if anything - is something like "Say 'Cheerio!"

Families take many different forms and many different grown ups take children to school the TA does not need to take a punt on the relationship at all! I would be furious, good luck advocating for your dn you sound lovely.

Have you tried confronting the TA more directly? I would keep him and breakfast club and the next time she does it state very firmly "You do this every time and you are well aware of DN's circumstances and the impact it has. Please go and bring me the head or deputy head right now so we can deal with this."

I don't believe for one second that it is accidental at this point. It doesn't make sense.

Poor little boy, that's awful!

If she can't remember which kid is orphaned I expect she has no idea who has any medical issues or allergies or SEN. So I would complain.

I've worked as support staff in secondary schools and you do remember kids with different circumstances. And you learn discretion and tact.

Speaking as an ex TA, this is appalling! I was shit at names but this is 100% unacceptable and I’d have escalated it hugely by now. The first time is an accident. The second time is careless. Any other time after that is unforgivable. The poor lad.
There’s no reason to even say, ‘Say bye to mummy’. Just a cheery, Bye, have a good day’ to whoever has dropped a child off.
I would be absolutely furious and I’d want to know what the school are going to change going forward. I wouldn’t take him out of there if he loves it and he likes being with his friend. I would demand that something is done though and that it never happens again with this member of staff.

I wonder if school not getting in touch is because they are dealing with TA under disciplinary policy and they will update you in due course. Not excusing them at all they should have kept you updated but if head dealing with HR, legal, union etc it may be next on list and sometimes things take take if waiting for someone to ok email to you.
It sounds like it might be deliberate not forgetfulness. Affecting a child so they are sick and miss school is horrific.

You're absolutely not unreasonable to raise merry hell and I too would be incredibly disheartened that no one made any attempt to get in touch today regarding the incident this morning. There is really no good reason for the lack of phone call.

I would be writing a formal complaint over the weekend and asking serious questions about the staff members ability to work with children, especially vulnerable ones and those who may have allergies!

I also cannot believe someone voted that you were unreasonable.

I would not withdraw him right away - it sounds like he really wants to go and that he loves it when not upset by the TA.

I would however raise merry hell about it. Once is a mistake, twice I could forgive but more than that? Nah. I’d be disappointed that the school hadn’t contacted me but I’d be right on the phone to them now. I’m not “that parent” either and have rarely contacted the school but this is unforgivable and needs rectifying straight away. There’s no need to use the word “mummy” at all!

If she can't remember then she needs to just stop saying it to anyone! Just say wave bye, instead.

Teachers generally don’t assume unless they know something with absolute certainty. I’m a young mum so have often had them ask first to make sure I’m mum. They know not all kids have parents at home for various reasons so it’s safe to use grown up or something similar, maybe just “say goodbye” is sufficient. Forgetting this many times is ridiculous unless she has memory loss. Definitely raise it with senior leadership.

You would think after the first time the person would be mortified and it would be enough to prevent a recurrence. More than twice? Inexcusable.

They should do say goodbye to your grown up
like ms Rachel !

@JustAnotherWhinger I'd be furious. Forgetting once is fair enough, but any human being that makes a mistake like that would feel mortified and not make the same mistake again.

So to then keep saying the same thing, that's just sheer incompetence.

Years ago I once mis-gendered a child at a science club (their name was also a boy/girl name) and I was mortified! They didn't mind at all but I did! Never did that again and if I'm ever in double I check the register system!

This is exactly what our school do!

I'm sorry to hear this. 😔

Ideally she should say "wave goodbye to your grown up" or "say goodbye to "auntie justanotherwhinger"

If she is crap at names have you spoken to her directly?
I would be tempted to make a point of asking her name, ask her to repeat it (as soon as you get to the gate when you drop him off) and then replying with "Hi I'm his - auntie justanotherwhinger" Twice.
And do it before she gets a chance to muck up again.
She will soon remember you!
It may embarrass her, but she'd soon get the bloody message!

We had similar with my cousins, growing up, who lost both parents and she lived with another auntie and he ended up living with our nan.

I hope your nephew is okay 🫂
@JustAnotherWhinger