AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

Honestly as PP said, this is the one kid you'd remember even if you wrre the sort that was bad with names or faces.

I would be furious on his behalf. It is very very insensitive and if she is literally incapable of remembering then she needs to come up with different phrases. "Say goodbye" would have done just nicely. Lots of kids may not have a mum In the picture. This is just piss poor of the school

You SHOULD raise absolute hell over it. I work in education and have short term memory difficulties due to brain damage. There is absolutely NO way I'd let myself do this repeatedly. The TA doesn't care about your nephew and she needs seriously reprimanding for her repeated error.

It's common in school settings, especially when you might not know individual children like lunch staff, admin etc. you just don't know a child's home situation and it can really upset them.

I have definitely put my foot in it before and learned very quickly!

Yeah no excuse at all. I’d be writing a very strongly worded email to the headteacher or teacher in charge of the club.

Poor little one, I have got tears in my eyes reading that.

At this point I would say to the school it’s being done on purpose as there is no way a person can forget a small boy has lost a parent (massive deal especially at such a young age) and also seeing a small boy crying and in a state would make you remember his face even if you do forget his name!
I would take it further and make sure this TA is no where near him in the future.

Sending you and the little one big hugs. ❤️

Wouldn’t take him out but would be raising it higher. It definitely does raise questions about the TA’s judgement and memory skills.

Given that this has happened six times and you have presumably raised this with the TA six times, I think you would be justified in making a strongly worded complaint to the headteacher. My memory for faces isn't great, but in this situation I would just say, "Say bye bye!" if I wasn't 100% sure it was the child's mum doing the drop off. So even if the TA has a poor memory for faces, the problem is easily solved.

That's awful, I'm so sorry. In a situation like this all staff should be aware and not forget, like with allergies or if children aren't allowed to be picked up by certain people. My son is autistic and he would get upset at the end of term if staff said "have a nice holiday" because we weren't going away and he thought he would be in trouble for not going on holiday. Staff managed to remember that, and remember that dh's dad wasn't known as "grandad" . This isn't a minor thing and should be taken seriously.

I'd be in with the head - if she can't remember something like that she shouldn't be working with children.

APart from anything else - it's poor practice to ever assume a relationship when you work with families. totally standard to think of 'carers/ special people'.

She's an idiot, honestly. Raise it and complain!

I totally understand the logic, it's really just the "your grown-up" that's odd to me. I could get used to it though.

I'd be submitting a complaint about her to the school. Why should your nephew miss out because this TA is careless/cba? This is huge, she needs to remember. If she is that self absorbed and stupid she shouldn't be around kids in any kind of teaching/role model/supervising role. What hope do your kids have if this is the sort of person teaching them right from wrong? You've done well not to bite her head off tbh, but then maybe a stern word would help her memory.

Teacher here and I would be raising merry hell with the school about this. It’s utterly unacceptable. As pp have said already, one is unfortunate, twice is careless but this? This is bordering on emotional abuse. It’s difficult to remember lots of kids names, but a child who has gone through the death of a parent is not at all hard to remember. Also, it’s 25 kids, not 250. If she can’t remember this hugely significant detail about one out of 25 children what else is she forgetting?! She’s not fit for role. I feel so angry on your DN behalf about this.

I would submit a formal complaint. It's completely unacceptable. Your poor nephew! If I had a member of staff behave like that, it might not be a disciplinary, but I would certainly be looking at performance management.

It is NOT hard to remember. The TA needs a very firm word from the head/someone else on the SLT.

That's outrageous OP and no, you are not at all unreasonable to take a hard stance.

Most teachers know all their class kids' names within a week, so I think you can remember one whose mother has died.

It might be odd to you, but in school settings it’s really incredibly common and totally avoids horrible situations like is happening to OP’s DN.

@JustAnotherWhinger I cannot see why anyone is saying “bye bye to mummy” at a secondary school. Dc aren’t 5 are they? Only 25 dc? Of course she should know them. It’s unprofessional. Hugely unsatisfactory. Does he not walk in with his friend?

All schools have a complaints policy but you need to follow it. Start with whoever is in charge of the breakfast club. The TAs will be answerable to a senior member of staff or head of pastoral care. If you get no apology and no action, then escalate to the head. I truly would expect action to be taken and the staff member isn’t involved in this club until she’s trained. It’s obviously not a health and safety issue but the school should take action. It’s clearly a training issue.

In my view, he should not leave. I would expect a senior member of staff to meet him and take him to the club. He should then be handed over to a suitable member of staff and every effort should be made to settle him in again with his friend. Make sure you are aware of what schools should do for looked after dc.

Complaints only go to governors if they cannot be resolved via the initial stages of the published complaints procedure. So follow that if you cannot resolve it via senior staff at the school. The senior member of staff should be concerned, however, and deal with it.

I think you need to make a written complaint. Copy to COG. Not just an email. You've worked in schools so you know what sysytems can be like in some. I'd suggest training for this breakfast club member of staff is wholly inadequate.

I'd also say that once was not just an unfortunate accident. It should NEVER have happened. Every member of staff who has contact with children should be trained in how to address children whose circumstances they are unsure of.

The situation this child has been subjected to is totally unacceptable and if I were the head of this school I'd immediately remove her from breakfast club door duties (and possibly more) and implement the training myself.

I’m unusually crap at things like this because my brain very much defaults to autopilot, but even I would have managed it probably after the first error but most certainly after the second. 6 times?! And there are only 25 children to remember? It really isn’t that hard. It doesn’t sound like she’s the right sort of person to work with children

Totally agree with this. I feel so sad for your DN reading this and furious at this ignorant woman. Raise hell OP

I have raised it with the school, I’ve not just been expecting the TA to magic change.

His class teacher has known of every instance. The Deputy Head was made aware twice before, and was there today.

I actually think now I’ve been too polite/considerate of the school and should have been that guardian before now.

I though the change to the other TA doing the door last week was their fix.

I also think it’s incredibly poor that nobody has been in touch today. He was upset by a staff member so much that he was sick at 8am. Most of the HT’s I’ve worked with would have made time to call and check in.

I’m usually very laid back and prepared to forgive mistakes, but actually in this case I would raise merry hell. It’s only 25 kids, and you’d think anyone with half a brain could remember the poor wee one who’s mummy died, and even if you forgot once and upset them you DEFINITELY never forget again. The fact she’s done it so many times is absolutely unacceptable, I would have taken this to the head teacher and expected a grovelling apology as well as a cast-iron assurance it would NEVER happen again, and if they’ve done anything less it’s an absolutely pathetic response.

FFS If she is that thick that she can’t remember that this isn’t his mum why isn’t she just saving herself the hassle and saying ‘wave bye’ instead of adding on a parental title 🤦‍♀️

How do people like this manage to get dressed themselves

The TA needs to not be working at breakfast club if she cant remember things like that. I wouldn't trust her around any dc with allergies either if she cant even remember upsetting your DN
Write to the head and the governors
The continuation of it is appalling when as people have said "male sure you say bye" would be more than fine

It’s primary school. He’s 4.