AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

It's not right for your DN to have to leave the club because of this stupid TA, and "management" are not taking it seriously enough because it does not reflect well on them.
I'd think you need to follow any complaints procedure as strongly as possible and also write to the govenors, being as factual as possible. And can the safeguarding lead be any help?
I wouldn't let them get away with this.

I’d tell them you will be there at 9am Monday morning along with DN’s social worker (assuming he has one) unless you get a call back and an explanation and a solid guarantee this will never happen again before 5pm. This is simply appalling.

Oh, poor little chap. My heart is breaking for him. I would absolutely raise hell with the school, in writing, copied to the governors. He shouldn't have to miss out on breakfast club with his bestie because of one woman's insensitivity. She (and all other staff, really) need to have it drilled into them that they are just to say 'Say bye-bye' and never, ever assume the relationship with the adult.

I gonna take a wild guess at this not being the reason. Schools are not great at the moment in the UK and it's really, really not the whole fault of pupils and pupils grown ups.

I’d write a complain and follow the complaints procedure. This is utterly unacceptable. I am a senior leader in school and a member of staff who did this repeatedly, would be spoken to. I wouldn’t just withdraw him from breakfast club.

Exactly I came to say that all she needs to do is say "Say goodbye" ...simple and no harm caused

May I say that I think you are amazing. Presumably you have lost your sister or sister in law and have opened your already busy home and heart to your DN, A sad start to his early life, but he has you advocating for him so hope it will only get better.

I feel so sorry for him, and yes - unforgivable. I saw something the other day about a school that had taken the decision to use 'grown-up' instead of mummy, daddy etc for the young in these contexts. 'Say bye bye to your grown-up' feels quite reassuring instead of upsetting, and would avoid other mistakes as well.

Wow I’d be furious. Once is acceptable, twice is really bad but any more than that is just crazy. She should be given a warning and removed from welcoming people at the door for a start. It’s a basic thing to remember. I’d be horrified if I upset a child like that, she’s clearly incompetent. I’d speak to the school and explain he wants to come still but she needs removing!

this is a disgrace. Poor dn. sorry for your and his loss 💐

once understand. Even twice but 6 times is disgraceful and unacceptable

dreadful school hasn’t been in touch

This is completely unacceptable and heart breaking to read. There’s no way he should be made to leave, if he was desperate to go because his best friend goes why should he have to leave because of this TA’s incompetence? She should be absolutely mortified, not saying to DN oh it’s so difficult to remember. Completely out of order and just unacceptable on every level. Gutting for him that it’s made him so upset he’s been physically ill. Make sure you tell the school this. You sound like an amazing person

Wowsers. That's a new low. I'm so sorry.

I'd tell her outright. And I wouldn't stop going. Cause his bestie is there. But if you do opt not do, then do not pay.

Email the member of staff who runs breakfast club and copy in the Head.
It's unacceptable.
X

Once is a mistake, twice is careless, three times or more is pretty nasty imo.
YADNBU. Where is the compassion from the school? Awful.

@JustAnotherWhinger I have nothing to add as I think it goes without saying that YANBU.

I'm so sorry for your nephew and yourself at the loss of such an important person to you both 💐. I can't even begin to imagine how raging I'd be at some numpty making the ordeal even a little bit harder for him. Unwittingly or not it doesn't matter. She's an adult, she should do better.

I’m so laid back about stuff I’m just about asleep but in this case I would be insisting that DN stays in the breakfast club and dopey TA is (ideally) banned from breakfast club or at the very least kept away from the door and put out the back washing up.

No one can be that stupid to not remember making a 4yo orphaned boy cry himself sick. She's bullying him. Any normal person would remember that for the rest of their life and never repeat that mistake again.

I wouldn't remove DN but I'd go mental and have her disciplined and removed from this duty. You need to go in on Monday and insist on a meeting with her and the headteacher.

School, school board, govenors individually - all need to know this is happening. I'd threaten to go higher if needed. This is not acceptable.

The school has a duty of care they are failing miserably.

School really need to get their shit together. Foster kids are also probably attending to - does she ask them about their mum? This staff member may not be malcious, but she's causing unnecessary pain.

Your poor nephew doesn't need to.lose something he enjoys, eating with his friend, because of this idiot.

Personnel experience - my first two children were in foster care. The school asked how we were to be identified (by our first names, not referred to as mum and dad) and all the school staff managed to comply. Random old acquaintances we met out in public made mistakes but never the school, doctor or dentist.

This is totally unacceptable (and if it makes a difference, I've been teaching for over twenty years).

I only clicked on this thread as it's in active.

And now I am blubbing away.

YANBU.

10000% this!
Poor little boy and shame on that TA. Get her off duty and maybe DN can enjoy his club.

Exactly.

I'm another one who thinks you should be making far MORE of a fuss.

I'm sure the TA would magically remember the details if she had been told off about it to the extent she was reduced to tears after the first time (I'm obviously not saying that is what should have happened!).

Everyone can make a mistake. But not once, not twice, but SIX times! And it's not even remembering names - you've been told FIVE times before you are upsetting a very young child who has lost his parent, and you cba to remember that? As pp's have said, after being told the second time she should have realised 'oops I really can't remember which one DN is, but I can't upset him again, I'll have to just stop saying 'to mummy/daddy' to all the kids' (i.e just 'say bye!').

I’d really have a conversation with HT - at the very least the staff should be told NOT to tell children to wave goodbye to mummy (or daddy) at all! Just ‘Wave goodbye’ is perfectly adequate, especially given that today that the person dropping could be a stepparent, nanny/au pair or any other adult closely connected to the child. It’s bloody ridiculous that it wasn’t addressed as a general training issue from the outset and ALL references to ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ discouraged by all staff.

Be that adult.

I’m normally for shrugging things off, but this is a child who has had an extremely difficult life already. He shouldn’t have to miss out on breakfast club with his friend or move schools so soon because of one useless TA.

I would be asking the school what they are doing to protect your child’s psychological safety as this TA is actively damaging his wellbeing. I’d be insisting she has no contact with your DN, and if that means another member of staff meeting him and taking him into breakfast club so that he doesn’t have to interact with her, then that’s what needs to happen. No one deserves to be reminded every day they their mum has died and they don’t have a mum around any more - never mind a four year old.

If she can’t remember one child is an orphan, or doesn’t realise that she should probably stop saying Mummy to any child because one of them (and she doesn’t know which) is an orphan, then actually I’m not sure she should be trusted to care for children at all. What if she forgets that they’re not supposed to wander out of the school grounds, or what if she lets a stranger lead them out of school because she’s “rubbish with faces”.