AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

Oh my God... that's awful! I would complain loud and long until I got an apology and a resolution. Someone with that little care for the welfare of children probably shouldn't be in the job anyway. To be honest I'm quite surprised they're saying "mummy" as a one-size-fits-all anyway, as probably lots of kids are dropped off by people who aren't mummy - although not all in such traumatic circumstances.

It's absolutely not acceptable. This TA is not able to do the job and saying it's hard to remember is nonsense.

If she can’t remember whose child’s parent is dead and who isn’t then in my opinion she shouldn’t be a TA! And if she REALLY can’t differentiate she shouldn’t be naming anyone specifically- I’m sure there are more than your DN that may not have standard family setups with ‘Mummy’ dropping and collecting.

I don’t think he should have to stop the club, she should be changing her behaviour.

We use it a lot! The grown up that brings the child might be a childminder, parent, grandparent, big sister… all of who are offended when you call them mum or grandma incorrectly 🫣.
Sometimes we’d run down the list- ‘It’s important to check with a grown up before doing x/y/z, whoever’s in charge of you. It might be mummy, daddy, grandma, etc etc’.

There may be a new TA on the door, but the idiot one is still in the breakfast club. Unfortunately there may be many more opportunities for her to say things like "let's do a drawing for mummy" etc etc. It really does need addressing. I'm angry on your behalf and I don't even know you! 😂

@JustAnotherWhinger I'm also shocked no-one has been in touch today. I would have ensure that if I couldn't, the deputy or another senior staff member, possibly the office lead, did so.
Sounds as if the management is in need of improvement which is probably why other staff members are too!

He doesn't need to be removed from the breakfast club - that TA does.

There is no excuse for it. If she can’t remember, then she can easily switch to saying “your grown ups” to all the children.

That is appalling. I would let my fury rip - how on earth could ANYONE working with children be so careless and heartless?

I remember my primary school - not known for its tact in the 80s - cancelling a weekly activity where we wrote and talked about “what we did at the weekend” after a little boy in my class had a huge emotional collapse because he’d been hiding the fact that his daddy had gone to prison for a long time, and his home life had totally broken down so he was not able to live with his mum either any more, and some weekends he didn’t get a visit from her. I remember it because we - the other 9 year olds - were all REALLY careful not to upset him about it.

If we could remember then the twerp TA can.

This is just awful. I have the world's worst memory for faces but I know for sure that something this important would stick with me. It would break my heart to upset the little lad once, never mind 6 times. You should certainly take a much harder stance with the school. This level.of incompetence and lack of compassion is indefensible.

This!

That is really niggling me

The HT of this school is normally excellent. She’s the kind of HT who goes above and beyond for the kids, and staff, daily.

I’m really surprised not to have heard from her, or the Deputy head today.

This. Stupid person just needs to change their script one tiny bit.

I promise I understand the reasons for it 🙏🏻

I'm already getting used to it 😄

It’s not just appalling for your poor nephew, and for you left to deal with the consequences. There will be other DC that are also upset by her carelessness. He may be the only one in that group right now, but there will be other DC who can’t live with mum in the school.

I am so sorry to hear this and well done you for getting the little boy back into a routine. He must feel absolutely devastated by this.

Does the forgetful TA remain at the door or escorted him in? Can you ask her to have a word and then unleash a very one way conversation about her absolutely inexcusable behaviour?? I am fuming on your behalf and I’d have some very choice words for her - stopping just short of insults. I’d ask straight-up if she is incapable of remembering that one little face of a boy who has lost his mum or if she is trying be be malicious? Look her straight in the eye and demand her name so you can write to the councillors about her wicked behaviour.

As for your question: I’d not only not pay I‘d be demanding money back per missed day and occasion this woman has been cruel to your DN. That should get the school‘s attention.

I'm also in the camp of 'play merry hell' I'm afraid. He is a tiny boy, dealing with a hideous loss, and all part of his school should be a safe space for him. Making the mistake once is human, to make it repeatedly is beyond appalling and the school, or the breakfast club, should be making swift changes to ensure this TA doesn't make the same error again.

I think you are totally justified to be raising merry hell: poor little boy. If she can’t work this out she shouldn’t be employed as a TA.

Please don’t get him to leave the breakfast club he likes. The TA shouldn’t be saying that.
I release my guides to their adults and the dad of one died suddenly, another was in a foster care set up and I’m careful not to say mum or dad. I say please don’t go unless the adult/person collecting you is here.

This sort of lack of care started the happen at a previously excellent school that I worked at. They then changed their entire leadership team (youngish men from one man and two women) and the head safeguarding lead was often in tears and planning to leave.
The thing that parents started to do was moving their children or taking the school to court (because they weren’t able to access learning support for serious issues).
I would make a lot of fuss and consider moving him. There must be more trouble in store if they can’t even deal with a shit TA.

In the bigger scheme of things you seem to be such a good person to have by your nephew’s side.

I'm appalled reading this. Your poor nephew.

This is absoloutely disgusting, heart absoloutely broke seeing he’s 4 😭 I’m a nurse and have made the mistake of assuming before that someone’s relative was their dad and it was actually their partner! Something engaged in my brain and I never ever assumed again. Surely she’s seen the consequences so why she isn’t engaging her brain is beyond me. There’s absoloutely no need to refer to an adult at drop off as mummy or daddy and surely this isn’t the only instance a child hasn’t had a mum or dad so she should be even more aware. I’d be absoloutely furious

They haven’t been in touch because they know a complaint is coming.

You’re absolutely right to kick off about this after multiple occasions. Poor little boy :(

I think in fact the only appropriate thing to do here is murder her entire family. And then seek her out to ask after them. This would be an entirely proportionate response and also save you raising merry hell with the school 😂

(Might take a bit more planning admittedly!)

6 times!!!! For goodness sake the school should be all over this! I would definitely been stamping my feet about this with the Head as this is totally unacceptable!