Called me by dead partner’s name

[Singingdolly]

NC and sorry long post
So I met a guy a while ago. We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction. Only issue was his partner had died just 6 months previously and he was still grieving for her. We became friends and would meet up for dinner/drinks etc whenever I was home (I work mainly in London). Nothing happened between us until a few months ago (almost a year since his GFs death) when he admitted he had feelings for me. We started dating taking things quite slowly. I tried to be there for him and let him do things at his pace. We had only really kissed up until a few nights ago. We had dinner and went back to his and were being intimate however when he came he called me by her name. Our names aren’t similar and he didn’t even realise what he had done. I got upset and left. When I told him that next day he was utterly devastated and apologised but I’m struggling to get over it. I know it’s only been a year she has been dead but he’s still thinking of her when it matters isn’t he? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I do think we have a future but im having a tough time imagining having sex with him again. WWYD?

Oh dear. I mean, if they were together a long time he's just had a lapse if discretion..
I'd back off for a while. I dated a widower too. It didnt work out.
The fact he was mortified shows you he is a good person, but, its still hurts.

If you don't want to give up on him then maybe take intimacy off the table for the time being. Did he have any grief counselling after his partner died? Even if he thinks he's moving on, there's still a lot he's carrying. Him talking with a grief counsellor might help.

Nah, get out now.

Thank you for being so kind. Yes it really hurt and I know he was so upset and mortified but I am really struggling

I have one child and some cats. I confuse all their names. I can't remember the word for spatula. He's used to using a name for someone he knew well for a long time. Don't overthink it.

Oh gosh. I would have been very upset in your position. It's not the fact he called you by his dead ex's name, these things happen, it's the circumstances it happened in.

You have told him how you feel and he seems to be remorseful. That's not a bad thing in itself. He listened.

If you like him, try to move beyond it, but at the same don't completely dismiss your concerns.

No he didn’t. He said he didn’t need it and would work through it but I think it would be helpful for him to have some grief counselling. I think he feels guilty having moved on and maybe he’s just not ready

Could it have been habit? I wouldn’t give up yet.

I’m a widow that was lucky enough to find love again two years after my husband died. I don’t think that’s ok, and yes, he’s thinking of her when it matters. A new love needs to be a new love, a different experience, not a replacement.

I’m like @Brendayouknowthatyouremuchtoolazy - get names wrong all the time.

The fact that he is really upset and embarrassed about this to my mind means that it is worth continuing this relationship.

Bereavement is very hard. You both have feelings for each other. I wouldn’t let a single lapse, even at a critical moment like this, stop you from continuing in something that seems to carry a lot of feeling on both sides.

You could equally turn this around and say you must be very special to him that he could imagine being intimate with you after being widowed a comparatively short time ago.

I've been with DH for 30 years and it wasn't that long ago he referred to me a wife #1 when speaking to his Uncle on the phone....

Apart from taking the piss for the rest of the afternoon I really didn't care.

Agree with this. I can see why it's upset you but I also think you're overthinking it. I don't see it as 'thinking of her when it matters' at all, more as muscle memory bringing him back to a habit.

I am terrible with names and try not to use people's names as much as possible because I'm sure I'm going to get them wrong even people I've known forever.

So personally I would give him a little bit of grace here.

Habits are very deep rooted.

I frequently call my Ds my brother’s name.

The sexual context makes this so delicate, but it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me.

But I would go slow , grief is long tailed.

I have two adult kids, m and f, who often get called by the other one’s name, or my sister’s name, or the cat’s name. I think in my head all of these just live in a mental box marked “People I love best” and it can be a bit random which name gets pulled out. It doesn’t mean I’m thinking of the other person or I’ve forgotten who I’m talking to. Could be the same for him and you’re both in a “Women I love” box

My ex called me his ex wife’s name a few times. He lived with her 15 years so no I didn’t hold it against him. Old habits die hard. Given the circumstances there’s nothing to be jealous of. If you’re uncomfortable with the fact he’ll always love her you need to leave him alone. It’s not a competition, he’s grieving but there’s room to love again. He’s human he’ll slip up.

Sorry I think it sounds quite odd. I would have thought someone in that situation would do their best to focus on the new partner and make sure they did not do anything thoughtless like forget their name especially when being intimate. Also how could they not have known they did it?

I could understand if it was said casually if they were out shopping or something as a forgetful one off but not during sex.

I'm awful with names too and wanted to say it can happen to anyone, anytime because I had an appointment with a male doctor last week who younger then me and I called him dad

I think it’s the situation that has hurt me more than him calling me by her name. And the fact he didn’t realise.
I think I will give him some grace though and talk more about it when I’m not as upset. I think he could be a keeper though it’s early days

I called my good male friend (totally just a friend) by my late husband's name on a couple of occasions. It was absolutely meaningless. My brain just recognised me talking to a male who I'm close to and had a blip.

I wasn't thinking about my husband at all. It was just a slip of the tongue. I'd bet my pension that this guy wasn't actually thinking about his wife. His brain just did something automatic.

I've only just read your post after sending mine. And yep, exactly that. I have two daughters and constantly call them by their sister's name. My sister in law used to do the same with her husband and her brother (my husband).

all of these just live in a mental box marked “People I love best” and it can be a bit random which name gets pulled out

I think that's exactly it. Or at least that's how it seems to happen for me.

Calling you her name when you're having sex, he's not really moved on emotionally yet. He connects sex with his dead partner.

He's still got grieving to do and it sounds like he's not really ready to move on yet and you're wanting more than he can give you at this point in his life.

If you're really struggling with this, end it now. A partner's death means they didn't end their relationship by choice and only a year later he's still got a her shaped hole in his life and heart.

Exactly, it doesn't mean anything bad, people often do this sort of thing. And anyone you date could use an ex partner's name, so even if he wasn't grieving, this sort of thing could happen.

Honestly, I did this. I said the name of an ex who hadnt even meant much to me. It was habit and I was mortified.when I realised what I'd said.
Please do not read something into this that isn't there.