Called me by dead partner’s name

[Singingdolly]

NC and sorry long post
So I met a guy a while ago. We met through mutual friends and there was an instant attraction. Only issue was his partner had died just 6 months previously and he was still grieving for her. We became friends and would meet up for dinner/drinks etc whenever I was home (I work mainly in London). Nothing happened between us until a few months ago (almost a year since his GFs death) when he admitted he had feelings for me. We started dating taking things quite slowly. I tried to be there for him and let him do things at his pace. We had only really kissed up until a few nights ago. We had dinner and went back to his and were being intimate however when he came he called me by her name. Our names aren’t similar and he didn’t even realise what he had done. I got upset and left. When I told him that next day he was utterly devastated and apologised but I’m struggling to get over it. I know it’s only been a year she has been dead but he’s still thinking of her when it matters isn’t he? Or am I being totally unreasonable? I do think we have a future but im having a tough time imagining having sex with him again. WWYD?

I have been married to dh for 20 years and still call him by my ex’s name sometimes. I think it’s more the timing in your case of when it happened. Poor guy.

Some people here have explained it already on this thread - mixing the names of their 2 children.

I'm guilty of it too. Had a uni lecturer for most of my course for 1 subject, then they left and got replaced by a new lecturer. I called them by their old lecturer name a few times. It's embarrassing and I had to explain it but it was a mistake, that's all. I was in my mid-20s.

On a simplistic form, it's called muscle memory. It's something you get used to and it can happen with objects as well as with people.

E.g. I had a fridge/freezer for 17 years. It opened on its right hinge. My next fridge/freezer opens on the left hinge. Despite me having this for 3 years already, I sometimes still think it opens on the wrong side. It takes me a couple of seconds to wonder why the door is 'stuck'.

I'd pass on this one he's still thinking of his ex.

Same.
I called my cat my ex partner's name the other day in front of my new partner. And I don't even think about this fucker. Nearly washed my mouth with soap. Luckily, my partner laughed at it.
And we are talking about a person who lost someone dear and quite rightly, can't just wipe their brain clean and move on as if this person never crossed their path. Of course he is thinking of her. It would be very concerning if he didn't. This doesn't mean he is not ready for a new relationship. It just means he is human and is capable of holding both things at the same time.

Have you even read the many posts from people who do/have done the same purely as a brain blip, and not thinking about the other person at all?

I don't know if you have ever experienced orgasm but I assure you very little "focus" is happening in that specific moment. If he was calling her the wrong name throughout, though, I'd agree with you. But I don't think he did.

In the day time but during sex at moment of orgasm?

It'd be a warning sign for me that he's not ready to date yet. Regardless of the reason behind it, you don't need to suppress your own discomfort and hurt to alleviate his.

He should be coming to you apologising and trying to show you it was a momentary blip. If he isn't, he doesn't fully get the impact or hasn't moved on yet.

A year is a very short time when you think of it. An you met 6 months after which is nothing. She died, it wasn’t some mutual ending of a relationship. I’m 3 years on from break up of my family unit and I say although everyone’s situation is different, but I know looking back when I started dating a year on, it was too soon but I wanted to feel good again. I’m sorry but I would worry about being used as a way of him dealing with what has happened. Him saying her name is a bit of a tell sign. Do you have sex with your partners and say they’re name? I think she had been in his thoughts and no doubt it probably first intimate experience since her.

Id give it space dial it back.

The thing with counselling is you have to be ready for it. If you go too soon it really won't work as good. He really doesn't sound ready for a full on relationship yet. For a successful union you need 2 whole people and he isn't there yet.
I'm 10 months into being a widow and I am no where near healed. I am better than a few months away though.
If you really like this man and are willing to be patient maybe still see him but keep it light. Be aware too that if he becomes dependent on you for healing he may mistake gratitude for love and that's not healthy either.

@Singingdolly he was probably used to saying it when he came rather than actually thinking about her. You have shown it upset you so things should change now. Give him an another chance if he’s one of the good ones. Although, I personally would accept it a second time.

I call my friends by each other's names every now and again and my children's names week to be interchangeable at times

You are overthinking

6 months is way too soon.
I would throw this one back.

I couldn't even consider dating for years after my husband died. Even now I have the occasional slip up - usually when frustrated with DP. But it's not just him. My son went through a phase of calling me by name thinking he was hilarious, but he woke me up shouting my name from downstairs and I woke up and promptly burst into tears. He sounds just like his dad and it got me. It's been nearly 11 years and he'll never stop being there. DP understands. I think if you're not prepared to understand that he will be thinking of her regardless of how he feels about you, then you're not the right person for him, and vice vera.

Thank you. Shocked at some of these responses under playing it.

Op, this man dated too soon like many men do. Yes you can’t put a strict time on it but in this man’s case it clearly was too soon for him if the FIRST time he had sex he call out his ex’s name.

Just because someone didn’t intend to harm you doesn’t necessarily lessen the impact. Op this man is harming you intentionally or not, and he will continue to.

See how he’s not even taking steps to resolve it like grief counselling? Bad sign!

The fact he is resistant to this and he moved on quite quickly to you as well indicates a lack of emotional maturity and self-awareness.

Poor guy? How about poor Op!

OP, please move on.

I am really struggling

This should be the honeymoon period. You should not be struggling.

If you didn’t care I’d shrug and say oh well, but you do care and I don’t see it getting better.

Women need to have more consideration for their own feelings and putting themselves first (like men always do) instead of mollycoddling and making excuses for men.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it’s how you feel. Listen to your intuition.

Same here - I’ve called my child by MY name before 😂

Ouch! Yes, that must've been really horrible to hear at that time. We do make mistakes though, people do call out the wrong names at these times!

Thing is, he will think of her. For the rest of his life - that is totally natural and you'd be unreasonable to expect him not to, you just need to know that you're the here and now and he's fully on board with the relationship and by taking it slow, being friends first and him being mortified is all positive. If you really like him and he really likes you perhaps it's ok to give you guys another chance. Saying her name at the intimate time doesn't actually mean he's thinking of her then and there, it could just be unthinking and muscle memory!

I agree with you that this man is dating too soon considering he’s dating someone who actually wants a relationship rather than just casual sex.

But he can’t take steps like grief counselling in the hope of resolving a problem like misnaming a partner. That’s not how grief counselling works, nor is it what grief counselling is intended to achieve.

Unless he is genuinely focused on his new partner and not just focussing sex with the person he’s used to having sex with, it won’t just go away.

I’m dating a widower it’s difficult it’s not the same as confusing your cats or friends, work colleagues names!

Is tricky because it’s a fine line of acknowledging their grief, trying not to feel like a replacement, knowing whether it should be discussed or not, because it opens wounds when they are trying to move on whilst also feeling that pain and guilt of dating again.

People are underestimating the complexity of it.

My partner didn’t have counselling for years, his wife died 6 years ago because he was trying to deal with it himself, but ultimately he really wasn’t.

If he is worth it, stick around it sounds like he didn’t mean it and is mortified, if you are the first person he has dated and slept with since he will prob be going through all sorts of emotions, but also look after yourself because it can be tough to be understanding at times.

I was with my ex for 12 years and often (accidentally) would call my new partner by my ex's name in the beginning. YABU. Give the guy a break. It's just muscle memory. Totally understandable and accidental. It takes time for the brain to adapt so lapses are common and understandable. It absolutely does not mean anything negative. You are reading too much in to this

It has been a year. We met 6 months after she had died but only started dating recently. I know a year isn’t long either but he was nowhere near ready to date after 6 months

Thank you so much for your kind thoughtful post. I think he is worth it but yes I agree with the complexity of navigating grief and a new relationship.
we are meeting up tomorrow to talk and then I am away for work for 2 weeks so will give us some space to think.
I hope your relationship is going well?

Did you actually think this was relevant and remotely similar?